Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 5 June 2023

noon

"Well, welcome back," I said to Thomas Hengen as his footsteps echoed around the empty cafeteria inside the Fritz-Walter. The only staff here today were the sales and marketing team selling tickets, a skeleton crew in the office and a few guys from security. We actually preferred meeting here as opposed to a board room or a conference room. Mainly it was for the natural light and the view out across the city.

"Ja, good to be back," he said.

He, Olaf Marschall, Jörg Weber and I exchanged pleasantries about our vacations for several minutes.

"Shall we?" I asked. They all nodded. "I filed Oliver Hüsing's contract extension this morning. 16k for two years, nothing special. We are likely to have a development in The Billy Situation today. I'll text everyone as soon as I know anything."

"I spoke to legal," Thomas said looking for something on his iPad. "Uh, here it is. They feel as his employer and a party interested in his welfare, we are within our rights to pay his bail."

"Okay, thanks for that," I said. "Now, Olaf. I think I managed to find an interesting player for us and I'd like your thoughts. Josua Meijas is a young Venezuelan central defender for Leganes in Spain. Leganes are the city of Toledo's club and in La Segunda. Meijas He has played all of one match for them in four seasons though they loaned him to a Israeli club season before last. He wants out. What is your assessment of him?"

"Ja, I know him," Olaf said. He searched on his iPad for a moment. "Ja. Meijas. They want 350k for him and that's way below market value for a player of his ability. He's fourth in the central defender pecking order and for whatever reason hasn't impressed is coach. Well, he's impressed Aranalde and Vicente. They've both seen him and talked with him. Great in the air, athletic, strong, good positional sense, and good anticipation. He can fill in at right back in a pinch. He reads the game well."

"Ja, f***ing robbery at 350," Jörg agreed. "Watched his vids."

"Well, he's likely going to be our first purchase of the Pucci era," I said, smirking.

"Where are you at with backup forwards?" Thomas asked.

"Ja ..." Olaf said.

"Well ...," I added.

"There are so f***ing many available," Jörg concluded.

"For free even," I said. "We're going to invite a bunch here for trials if their clubs will let them. If they don't, we'll just invite them when they've been released. Its the same situation for fullbacks. We keep narrowing our list of potential candidates."

"Ja, and then there are the potential loan signings," Olaf said. Jörg and I nodded in agreement. "We might very likely have four very strong strikers on the roster for next season. Fullbacks, too."

"There is a long time to go before this all needs to be decided," I said.

"Question," Jörg said. "You think Kiprit will demand a new contract?"

"Ja, I imagine his agent is working him up into a lather," I replied. "I imagine his agent sees an opportunity to grind some money out of Kaiserslautern for himself. F*** I hate agents. Well, I mean everyone else's. Mine, Luca, is great." The three all chuckled. "His agent is known to tout his clients to other clubs. I mean, he's done it with me."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 6 June 2023

Günther Kern (fitness coach), Jörg, Thomas, and I greeted 28 trialists who would be out of contract on 30 June. A bunch of forwards, a few midfielders and some defenders. No keepers, though.

We had them run some sprints, some obstacle courses then sprints and obstacle courses with the ball.

We did some shooting and heading drills.

We played some 5v5 games with one 4v4 game. We did a penalty shoot out tournament at the end.

It was pretty fun. The sad part for most of them is they didn't impress so I will be canceling their trials. A few were worth taking a further look at so they'd return tomorrow when some more trialists would arrive.

I told them all up front that they'd receive a text afterwards if we wanted them back the next day. There is no nice or humane way to do this. There's the old if there is a bib in your stall come back back tomorrow thing, but then there is the potential of having a vulnerable moment in front of everyone. Jörg, Thomas, and I agreed that a text afterwards was best.

This daily process of evaluating trialists was going to last most of June.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 9 June 2023

11:30ish am

"Three more f***ing weeks?" Jörg said as the trialists walked off the training pitch for the showers. "You got it in you?"

"S***, what choice do we have?" I said.

I had directed my scouts to assess youth prospects from across Europe this spring. I'd only had six scouts so this kept them plenty busy. I personally had compiled the lists of the Bosman prospects. Since they hadn't been scouted, we were inviting them for trials. If I could not spend my transfer budget on buying that left back or backup striker, I could spend it on scouting so that we could find the next superstar.

So, ja, we had to do this.

"It'll make the preseason seem relaxing and invigorating," I said.

"F***," Jörg exhaled, shaking his head. "You're a f***ing madman."

My phone buzzed.

"Ciao, Enrico," I answered.

"Good ... uh ... morning?" Osvaldo Fernandes said. "It is still morning there, si?"

"Si, it is but not for long. You have news?"

"Si. It appears that they are not going to charge him. The police and the prosecutor have finally acknowledged that the security video exists. I demanded that they produce witnesses or view the video. When they didn't do either, I held a press conference on the Esmeraldas courthouse steps. I took my television off the wall of my house, brought it to the courthouse steps and showed video clips from that night. So the reporters began asking about videos and witnesses. It was at this point they admitted he was being held in suspicion of the crime."

"I then filed a motion with the judge who is friends with the police captain to either release him or allow his family to post bail. The judge could no longer sit on his hands and let him rot in the jail anymore. So he has set bail at 100,000 dollars."

"That's great news," I said. "Dollars? US dollars?"

"Si, its the Ecuadorian currency."

"Oh, I had no idea," I said.

"Si, there is another thing," Fernandes said. "I'm not going to allow the Arce family put their house in jeopardy or anything like that as I no longer trust this judge. Now you mentioned you would enquire about the club posting the bail."

"Si, I did and I have an answer. We can and we are willing."

"On behalf of the Arce family, we are very grateful. I will email you bank information so you can forward the money to my firm's account. We will then post the bail and you can have your player back."

"Well, on behalf of Kaiserslautern I thank you for your hard work on this matter."

"Si, muchas gracias," he said. "Chao."

"Ciao."

Click.

"F***," I exhaled then told Jörg the news.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 10 June 2023

9:43am

"F***ing s***!" I exclaimed.

"Huh?" Gwen asked getting up from the couch. "Isn't a it a wee bit early to be swearing like an American?"

"F***ing wow," I said.

"Okay, show me," she said. I pointed at the name on my screen. "Oh him? Wasn't he the West Ham manager there for a bit?"

"What?"

"You know, West Ham? Club in London? Counterintuitively on the east side of London?"

"The former Real Madrid and Manchester City manager Manuel Pellegrini and you remember him for West Ham?"

"Yes. My Dad was on about him when they signed him. Couldn't shut up, thought it was hilarious. Kept calling him a boring old sod and such. Didn't it go poorly for him there?"

"I'm not thinking of asking him to replace me," I said. "His name is on a list of scouts. He's for hire."

"Oh, so that's a big deal then?"

"H*ll yeah. He's Manuel f***ing Pellegrini. It'd be a dream to have his knowledge, experience and connections onboard as my South American scout."

"You are a dreamer my sexy little Italian-American manager, you," she said. "So what do you do, call him?"

"F*** no," I replied. "He's Manuel f***ing Pellegrini ..."

"You've called him that twice now," Gwen quipped.

"... and I can't just call up and say "hi i'm nobody you know and would you please sign for my obscure little German club for a itsy bitsy, teensie weensie salary?" No, he wouldn't answer, H*ll, he probably wouldn't even return my call. I've got to find a way to approach him."

"You're so sexy when you tilt at windmills," she said.

I started calling everyone at the club, and everyone I knew even my friend Esteban in Cadiz. I called my former assistant manager at Cadiz Paco Lil trying to wrack my brain for anyone that knew anyone that had a connection.

My phone buzzed.

Thomas Hengen

You know that our club doctor Pablo Guana was at Real Madrid for a while. I'd forgotten.

Really? Wow. I didn't know that.​

I can't remember when, but call him up.

Thanks, I will​

"Guten Tag," Pablo answered.

"Hey, Pablo," I said in Spanish. "Its Enrico."

"Hi how are you. What's up?"

"I have a bizarre question for you. You were at Real Madrid for a while, Si?"

"Si, from 2007 to 2012."

"Oh, excellent," I said. "Let me explain. I saw Manuel Pellegrini on the list of scouts. He's available and I'd like to sign him to scout South America. However, I need to approach him the right way, you know? Like I can't just call him up."

"Oh Si, I get you. Si I was a doctor there. It was my big dream job two years after getting all my degrees. So you want to know if I have a way to approach him?"

"Si."

"Well, let me think for a moment. Well, I know the physios well. There was an Argentine and a Chilean. Miguel and Ernesto. We bonded as we were all South Americans. Pellegrini brought him to Manchester with him. I mean Ernesto the Chilean. Oh, but wait. Fernando Gago, the midfielder and I were from the same town. Fernando is who you should get to approach Manuel."

"Okay, great."

"You would like me to call Fernando?"

"I would dearly love it and greatly appreciate it."

"Okay. I'll call him. He's manager at Racing Club in Argentina. I would think that Fernando and he are still pretty close."

"Oh, that sounds fantastic. Thank you so much."

"Chau!"

"Ciao."

Click.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 12 June 2023

11:57am

"Ciao, Enrico," I answered my phone.

"Its Steven Garling."

"Hallo, Steven. How are you?"

"I'm good. Muhammed wants a new contract."

"That's fine. I expected you'd call or he'd bring it up. When do you want to meet?"

"Oh, really? Great. How about Wednesday. Is noon good for you?"

"It is."

"Great. See you Wednesday."

"Wiedersehn."

"Ciao."

Click.

As I was putting my phone away, it buzzed again.

"Ciao, Enrico."

"Enrico! Its Billy!"

"Billy! Great to hear your voice," I said in Spanish. "You must be out because my phone says its you calling."

"Si. Thank you for working with Señor Fernandes. I'm at home now. I can't leave Ecuador yet because of the terms of the bail. Can you even believe it?"

"Well, I'm just glad you're out. When do you think Señor Fernandes will have it all sorted out and you'll be able to fly back?"

"The sooner the better," Billy said. "What a nightmare. They still won't admit that I wasn't at the club or anything. If they had their way, I'd be here forever just in case they have more questions."

"It'll all work out, I have faith in Señor Fernandes. Keep me posted, okay?"

"Si, Señor."

"Ciao."

"Chao."

Click.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 14 June 2023

High noon

There's a knock at my door and Steven Garling enters followed my Muhammed Kiprit. We shook hands, sat down.

"Here's what we want," Steven said handing me an envelope.

I opened it.

26k/week is reasonable. 550k signing fee is fine. 250k to Garling. No f***ing way I'm letting him grind 250,000 euros out of Kaiserslautern for what should be an easy extension.

"3.5 million release clause is ridiculous," I exclaimed. "Sorry, but he'd be gone the day after we submit this contract to the DFB." I look up at Steven and Muhammed. "Come on. We've danced this little dance before. I give as generous terms as I can, but I can't accept this release clause."

"Its a perfectly reasonable ..." Steven replied.

I think Steven could see that I didn't buy it and he stopped talking. We stared at each other for a moment.

"Muhammed is a perfect fit for this club and we love him," I said.. "The fans love him. Look at how many people have brought his shirt! I'm perfectly happy giving him a new contract. Last time we were here discussing a contract, everything went very smoothly. There was no ridiculously low release clause. As you know, my contracts are performance based. If he keeps scoring like he's been doing, the bonuses I'm going to propose are sick. We've done this before. So your extremely high percentage for yourself on a ... for scoring into an open net from 1 meter and your insistence on a release clause that low ... well ... its not going to happen."

"You're being unreasonable," Steven said.

Muhammed has seen the look on my face in Die Kabine before. The look right before I start shouting at the players for a s***y performance. He looked like he would rather be anywhere other than here.

"It seems to me that you, Steven, did not come here ready to negotiate in good faith," I said. "Muhammed still has two years to go on his current contract. I am perfectly will to take up this discussion later. I think we're done here."

Muhammed stood up. Steven was about to say something, but decided to follow his client out the door without a retort.

"F***," I said in a low, slow exhale. "That didn't go well."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 15 June 2023

8:31am

My phone buzzed. I didn't recognize the number.

"Ciao, Enrico."

"Enrico Pucci?"

"Ja, yes, si," I said to cover all the possible bases.

"Its Manuel Pellegrini calling," he said in Spanish.

"Señor Pellegrini, thank you for calling," I said.

"So you are looking for a scout for South America?"

"Si, I am. So you are at least curious. Possibly interested?"

"Si, you have it right," he replied. "I would like to continue in football, but I am not certain I want to manage again. I have thought about returning to Buenos Aires some day and this might be the best way. It could keep me in football, but not in any day-to-day way. So tell me about Kaiserlautern and what you're doing. I don't know much about German football, but two straight promotions is impressive."

"Thanks," I said. "Kaiserslautern is a founding member of the Bundesliga. I've gotten us back up, now I need to solidify the club in the Bundesliga." I gave him the basic history of the club and an overview of the last two seasons.

"Ah, so its not just promotion, you've won the league each time," he said. "Very impressive. What kind of players do you prefer?"

"Right now we've only been signing free transfers. I'm going to make my first signing for money in my time here in a few days and one who is well below market rates. I have spent a little money on acquiring youth players, though. But with the club debt-free I'll be signing players for money in the future. I would like your assistance to find prospects in South American I can buy, turn into stars, and then sell for a profit. You know, find the next Batistuta, Alexis Sanchez, or Ivan Zamorano."

"Hah, you're funny," he said. "You know about my history with Zamorano?"

"I do," I said. "I had my own history against the likes of Ibrahimovic and Totti. I could relate to that story except that I wasn't smart enough to figure out how badly they were embarrassing me."

"You've managed Lazio, right?" he asked.

I gave him a brief history of my career in management.

"Si, sounds like a fun time," he said. "I am in fact interested."

"Out of respect, I'll let you suggest a wage," I said.

"Oh, hah, yes. how does 3,500 a week sound?"

"Sounds like we can strike a deal," I said. "Would you text me your email and your agents? I'll send over a contract."

"Sure. Sounds great. Talk to you later."

"Ciao."

Click.

Happy dance time!

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 15 June 2023

2ish pm

"Welcome to Kaiserslautern," I said.

"Thank you," Josua Meijas said. We shook hands. Then I shook hands with his agent Benny Lazmi.

I introduced him to Jörg and Thomas.

"How was your flight?" I asked in Spanish. He speaks Spanish and Hebrew which I don't speak.

"It was good, thank you," Josua replied.

I led everyone to the elevator and we rode up into the Fritz-Walter. After a brief tour, we sat down in the conference room. Leganes had accepted my EU 350K offer that could rise to 450K.

"The primary reason we've flown you in and want to discuss a signing you, is you are clearly a talented footballer but you've never really gotten your chance," I said. "I have a squad of desperate players who have shown they will run through walls to score and will leap into the breach to defend a lead. Now they face their biggest challenge in the Bundesliga. These players have never played top tier football but now we get our chance. We need a few more desperate players."

"My Spanish scouts watched you train with Leganes," I continued. "Saw you play in reserve matches to keep your fitness up. We watched videos of you in Israel. We're impressed and want you to join us."

"Here's my offer," I slid it across the table.

After a bit of back and forth we arrived at an agreement.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 16 June 2023

Since I was about to disappear from Gwen's life once again, we paid Elke a fat lump sum of euros to stay with Allison and Matthew and got on a Paris bound train early enough to catch a spectacular sunset in the French Capitol. Nothing like haute cuisine and boutique hotels with your honey to finish off your off-season break.

Interestingly, she speaks a wee bit of French so for once, she does most of the talking for us.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 19 June 2023

11:30am

"Buenos dias, Enrico," Zigor Aranalde said.

"Hey, Zigor. I just heard so I decided I'd better call."

"Si, Enrico."

"So Nürnberg want you."

"Si."

"I'm not calling to convince you to stay. Well, honestly, I wish I could. No, I'm calling to say that I really appreciate the work you do for this club as a scout. I'm guessing Olaf has said something similar. If you want to go, I'm not going to try and stop you or anything. But you know Manuel Pellegrini is coming on board to scout South America. I don't know if Nürnberg will be scouting over there, but we will be."

"Gracias, Enrico. I know you wouldn't stand in my way. And thank you for letting me make my decision."

"For sure, Zigor. Talk to you later."

"Asta."

"Ciao."

Click.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 19 2023

11:30ish pm

I just realized something horrible.

With my teensy weensy undersized transfer budget of EU 1.5M and my diminutive payroll budget of EU 237k per week, I likely won't be able to add any more players unless they are loan signings that are free.

In other words:

I'm f***ed

My players all get salary increases because we'll be in the Bundesliga. I'll very quickly be over the 237k per week budget. 450k will come out of the 1.5M for Josua Meijas and I'm spending around 300k on bringing in 9 youth players with five star potential. So that means I'll have 700k to transfer over to payroll to cover going negative.

Here's the thing...

I have several prospective free signings who are really good. If they join the squad, we won't be relegation strugglers -- we'd be mid-table for sure. But I'm not going to be able to pay their signing bonus and salary as things currently stand.

My only possibility is to sell.

And that means I need to force Muhammed Kiprit out of the club. I could probably sell him for 5M or so.

f*** me!

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 20 June 2023

9:15am

Günther had today's trialists running sprints. Jörg, Thomas and I were watching.

"F***," I groaned. Again.

"Didn't you already have two espressos?" Thomas asked as he eyeballed my coffee mug.

"Couldn't f***ing sleep," I replied.

"Why?" Jörg asked.

I told them of my 11:30pm realization. Thomas pulled out his iPad and began looking through reports and other things.

"I remember you talked some s*** about type two fun," Jörg said.

"Me?" I replied.

"What could possibly be more type two fun that keeping this squad in the Bundesliga?" he said.

"Its too early, too bright, and too warm to go and remind of all the bulls*** I may or may not have said," I grumbled then took a swig of coffee.

"F***," Thomas swore. "He's right."

"I mean I feel like I have a hangover and I didn't even finish my wine with dinner last night," I moaned.

"You're such a f***ing worrier," Jörg said.

"Ja, it'll be fine?" Thomas said. "What could go wrong? We get relegated, you two get fired. You'll find another club, you're a talented manager and a talented assistant manager."

"I'm so motivated now," I said.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 23 June 2023

Eric Cantona once called Didier Deschamps a "water carrier." Deschamps wasn't a revolutionary player like Cantona, but he won two World Cups. Once as a player and once as a manager. Cantona may have burned brighter, but Deschamps has had a more illustrious career.

.
I bring this up because I want to talk about my water carrier, my defensive midfielder Julian Niehues.

The young man who has helped win two straight league titles.

As you can see, he doesn't look all that impressive.

He can tackle, he's quick, and he's tall but that seems to be it.

But he has everything I need in a water carrier.

Tackling, Positioning, Acceleration, and Pace.

It's nice if the DM has decent vision so they can pick out the best pass.

When we're attacking, he's in the gap between offense and defense. When opponents clear the ball, he's invariably the one to snag the clearance because of his positioning and quickness.

He then restarts the attack with a smart pass.

When the opposition break on the counter, he either slows them down so his teammates have time to get back to help or funnels them outside where their counter peeters out.

So I'm going into Kaiserslautern's first season back in the Bundesliga with a player who, at least on paper, looks like he could only survive in the 3.Liga.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

The players walk out onto the pitch for the first day of training. They're chatting up the new signing Josua Meija. Marlon Ritter and Boris Tomiak look a little fat. They start stretching and Avdo Spahic is trying to bend over and touch his toes but he can't. Jean Zimmer's beard has gotten really long and there is some gray in it. Actually, there's a lot of gray in it.

They get up as Günther Kern walks over. Several players groan as they get up. Amilcar Silva complains about his aching back. Günther gets them jogging. Its a sad sight. They are clearly out of shape and are getting winded after a quarter of the way around the training pitch.

I'd better get up and go and yell at them. Then I realize I'd better not get up because I'm naked and in the bathtub.

WTF? Why is my tub in the middle of the training pitch.

I wake up.

I'm drenched in sweat.

I scrabble for my phone and eventually find it on the bedstand next to me.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 25 June 2023

8:21pm

Jean Zimmer

Just had dinner with Marlon Ritter. Ran into him at the beach in Ibiza. He wants a new contract.

Thanks for head's up. See you in a couple weeks. Ciao.​

I sure hope this goes better than with Muhamed Kiprit. What could go wrong?

 

[j@mie]

What tactics you play with mate

 

[Enrico Pucci]

What tactics you play with mate

Sort of a kind of a unbalanced 4-3-3. But its also kind of a 451.

The left forward marks the opponent's right back or right wing back. The right winger marks the opponent's left back or left wing back.

The CMs pop-up in the box with late runs and tend to score a lot. The CDs mark closely. Niehues is an Anchor in the DM position.

I train corners and free kicks A LOT. I get a lot of goals from corners especially.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 26 June 2023

12:15pm

"Guten Tag, Enrico."

"Hallo, Steven. Is this a good time?"

"It is."

"I'm calling because our last interaction didn't go very well. I wanted to talk about that."

"Okay."

"So do you think we have any room for negotiation?" I asked.

"Are you prepared to back down?" Steven asked.

"Okay. Is it really like that? I'm the one who needs to back down?"

"Ja, clearly."

"So you don't see your fee as really high on what should be an amicable deal?"

"Its never amicable."

"What?" I said. "The last contract was easy. Muhammed got everything he wanted."

"Its different now," he said.

"Howso?"

"He's in the Bundesliga. He's a rising star."

"So because he's a rising star you get a hefty fee? And a low release which pretty much guarantees you make another fee on his next contract?"

Click.

F***.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 26 June 2023

3pm

Marlon Ritter and his agent Andre König walked into my office.

"Good afternoon, Marlon, Andre," I said. We shook hands. "Have a seat." We sat. We exchanged summer vacation pleasantries for a few minutes.

"Shall we get down to business?" Andre asked. I nodded. "The basics that Marlon wants is 25k per week for 3 years, signing bonus of 550k and a 4 million release clause."

"Sounds like we're in the same stadium," I said. I turned on my iPad and went into contracts and found the draft of what I wanted to give Marlon. "A moment here, I'd like to make a few adjustments." I made the adjustments then printed it off and slid it across the table.

"10 million for the release clause?" Andre asked.

"Ja," I said. "Marlon has led the league the last two seasons. I can't see the big clubs blinking over a 10 million fee. Also, you'll note that the contract is heavy on performance bonuses as usual."

"Ja, you do like those performance bonuses, don't you," Andre said. "Well, Marlon?"

"I hate contract time," Marlon said. "This looks good to me."

I inwardly exhaled a massive sigh of relief.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 28 June 2023

Good new first. Marlon's new contract is registered with the DFB.

Now the bad news. I am one step closer to successfully pushing my star striker out the door because I have an insufficient transfer budget and payroll budget. He stopped by my office and he said he wanted to leave. So he's on the transfer list now. He's not going to like the 7.5M price tag but that's Fußball.