Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 30 June 2023

Goodbye to Saydou Bangura, Lorenzo Filippini, Robin Becker, Neal Gibs, and Marius Kleinsorge. Good riddance to Zuck.

Bangura just coudn't score, Becker and Filippini wouldn't be able to make it in the Bundesliga.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 1 July 2023

Welcome to Oliver Batista-Meier, Josua Meija, and Matej Mach.

Oliver is the natural successor to Marlon Ritter and can play in the center of midfield or on the wing.

Josua is a central defender and emergency right back.

Matej was one of the few trialists I offered a contract. He's a young man with tremendous potential. He's naturally a left back but he's got a fairly strong right foot so we could train him up as a right back, too.

The remainder are all youth players with massive potential that I signed for minimal outlay. I hope that one to three of them pan out.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 5 July 2023

12:07pm

"Alloo, thisus Graeme."

"Hi Graeme. This is Enrico Pucci. I'm sitting here with Greg. Is this a good time?"

"Raight. Spayrklin good. Awrya laddy?"

"I'm fine," Greg replied.

"Soo, Enrico. Ah wis expecting an Eye-talian accent bit claihrly yer an American."

"I get that alot," I replied.

"Soo, Enrico. Hahs the lad werking oot ferya?"

"I'm very impressed with Greg which is why I'm calling."

"Hees a stoatin lad yeh goat thar. Ah hae na idea how come Celtic rahleesed em."

"So I realize that this is a bit weird in that you're in Glasgow and we're here in Germany but I'd like to see if we can move forward on a deal."

"Wall, wehv toaked this aver a wee bit n Greg'd layk to sayn."

"That's good to hear," I said. "As this is our first year back in the Bundesliga, I'm somewhat restricted in how much I can offer."

"Raight. Greg'd laik thairty a week, fafe year contract, hunner-faifty saynin' bonus, thray mill raylees clause. Claihrly, Greg'd be a stare n all thut."

"Thirty, huh?" I said. "Any wiggle room on that? We can't afford that much this season. I'm willing to give some fat bonuses for goals, assists and clean sheets. Salary increase per season."

"Waterya toaking about wi wiggle room?"

"Closer to 24k or 25k weekly?"

"Hairs yur problem. Thayr sayverl cloobs ayl keekin atem. Yev goat ta maik a compettive bid, Enrico."

"Okay, but how many clubs will be in a top division? On TV every week? With him at left back, I figure we won't be battling relegation and he'd be part of the feel good story of all of Europe. I'm just saying if he impresses, clubs in the EPL might see a 3 million release clause and, bang, he's in England."

"Yev goat a point thur, Enrico, but these other cloobs ayr wullin to splosh the dosh."

"Greg, I guess its kind of up to you," I said, redirecting the conversation to Greg and away from Graeme's fixation on money. "Do you want to be part of a Cinderella story? Help a team that just got promoted twice achieve stability in the Bundesliga? Do you want to be on TV every week in a major? Arguably the third best league in Europe?"

"I appreciate wot yer trying to do here at Kaiserlautern," Greg said. "I guess I'd like to think about it. Is that okay?"

"Of course," I replied.

We exchanged pleasantries and then ended the call. Greg left and once he was out of earshot, I groaned. I just knew he wasn't going to bite.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 6 July 2023

The Bundesliga released the schedule for the upcoming season. We have three money-making leagues to get us warmed up. Its not the toughest start to the campaign, so here's hoping we have a few points before we visit Bayern München.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 7 July 2023

noonish

"I'm f***ing worried," I said.

Jörg grunted as he was shoveling lunch into his mouth.

"Greg said no thanks," I said. "I ended his trial today."

"Looks like you ended a whole bunch of trials today," Thomas said. "Feeling a bit bloodthirsty?"

Jörg snickered.

"With Kiprit in the sales window and no back-up right back and whole bunch of teenagers as our Plan B ..."

"F*** this worrying s***, Enrico," Jörg said. "What's the date?"

"Today?" I said. Jörg just looked at me, fork poised to spear a green bean. "7th of July."

"When does the f***ing transfer market close?"

"September."

He speared his green bean and inserted it into his pie hole.

"He's got a point, Enrico," Thomas said. "We can find a few loan signings to fill out the squad. The usual suspects will have plenty I'm sure."

"But will we be able to afford them? How are we supposed to scout without a scouting budget as we have nothing in the tranfer budget and no wiggle room in the payroll budget?"

"F***ing relax is what you do," Jörg advised. "It'll be a f***ing epic battle this season."

"It'll be awesome," Thomas added. "I think it'll be fun. Aren't you always talking about Type 2 fun?"

 

[MatthewElphinstone]

Makes you feel any better IRL Greg Taylor is absolutely mince lol

Ref: I'm Scottish, support Aberdeen, Dad and brother support Celtic and they absolutely hate him

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Makes you feel any better IRL Greg Taylor is absolutely mince lol

Ref: I'm Scottish, support Aberdeen, Dad and brother support Celtic and they absolutely hate him

Guess I dodged a bullet then. LOL ...

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 10 July 2023

"Let's do this," Jörg said, poking his head into my office.

I stood up. I closed my laptop. I left my office and followed Jörg down the hallway.

We left the offices, walked through the office lobby and out into the entry area then past the elevators and down the hallway towards Die Kabine.

We both paused, looked at each other. This was the fifth time we'd done this together. Twice at Eintracht Frankfurt and now for the third time at Kaiserslautern.

I took a deep breath and Jörg opened the door for me.

The chatter dropped off as Jörg and I entered.

Coach Filip Trojan was standing next to Matej Mach. They were both Czech and Matej was staying with Filip until he got his housing sorted.

Billy Arce was next to Josua Meija as they were both South Americans. Same deal with Josua, he was staying with Billy until he had a place.

Oliver Batista-Meier was talking with Jean Zimmer and Avdo Spahic. He was born and raised in Kaiserslautern and already appeared to be fitting in well.

Most of the players were sitting in their stalls dressing for training. Even the kids who would be training and playing with the senior players during the preseason.

"Welcome back," I said. All eyes fixed on me. "I'd like to introduce the new players. This is Oliver, Josua, and Matej." I pointed at each one in turn. Oliver pumped a fist as he sat down in his stall. Billy and Filip translated for me.

"We've worked hard to get this club back into the Bundesliga," I continued. "And now we face the biggest challenge, yet. The true test of our mettle. I think this squad can avoid relegation. We have a strong defense, we work hard for each other, and I think we'll continue to score even at this level."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"The DFB Pokal doesn't matter because staying up is the priority," I said. "So there are no demands that we do well. Let's just see how it goes, alright?"

Murmurs of agreement.

"I've emailed and texted you all the code of conduct," I said. "Same as before. Standard except for the yellow cards. Really lenient on bans for yellow card accumulation."

"Ja, that's good, Enrico," Captain Jean Zimmer said. "He's right. We can do this. We're going to stay up."

The players cheered.

"Right," Jörg said. "Let's get out there and start season."

The players cheered.

"We're starting with bio-metric, cardio and concussion baselines," Physio Günther Kern added.

The players groaned.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 14 July 2023

11ish

Training was over. I was walking off the field.

"Alf," I heard a voice say from behind me say. I turned. It was Enrico Pucci.

"Hi," I said. "What's up?"

"I wanted talk to you about training this week."

"Sure."

"Everything all right with you?"

"Ja."

"The other coaches and I were disappointed with your training this week," he said.

"Oh."

"I have a question for you."

"Okay."

"Did you follow ATK and Günther's workout plan for your summer?"

"Um," I said. Then I sighed. I hadn't really. I guess it showed more than I thought it would. "Sorry, I got out for some runs but I mostly didn't."

"It shows," he said. "The coaches and I noticed. You know how I always talk about grasping your chance, right?" I nodded. "Well, if you're not in shape, you might lose your opportunity."

"I'll make up for it," I said. "I get in shape pretty quick anyways."

"Good to hear," he said. "Show us what you got."

Then he walked off to talk with another player.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Our Preseason Kickoff mini-league officially starts our 2023/2024 season. We get to see our new signings, see how some of the remaining trialists do, as well as see how we stack up against the big boys. Okay, they're going to be rusty, I'll admit that, but we look like we might just survive our first season back.

I've already offered contracts to midfield/forward Muhammed Aminu and GK Eike Bansen. Of course, as soon as I offered them contracts, several other clubs offered contracts, too. We'll see ... hopefully they sign for us. Additionally, American Ken Aboh and Englishman Harry Chapman both impressed. Aboh would be a loan signing from Norwich.

Sadly, Jack Clarke did really well. Its sad because his agent says he wants 35k per week which we can't afford. Aboh, Aminu, Bansen, and Chapman have salary demands we can afford.

Finally, we made some money. Specifically, EU 1.025 million from this tournament. Not bad, eh?

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 17 July 2023

37 players, 12 coaches, 5 physios, 3 sports scientists, Gisela and the club chef all crammed into the team bus for a seven hour drive up into the mountains of Austria and the spa town of Bad Ischl. The school has a 500 seat stadium which will suit us perfectly. Gisela says there are plenty of trails so we can do some trail running up the mountains.

On Saturday, we drive down to Salzburg to play RB Salzburg.

We're all scattered over several spa hotels. I made sure that there is a good mix of senior and youth players at each hotel.

All of we coaches are together. The pictures of the thermal pool at ours looks f***ing delightful. I can't wait to soak in it.

Just as we pulled up at the first hotel, I gave a short speech about not partying too hard. Jörg was standing right behind me giving everyone the stink eye. In particular, if any players are out past curfew, we'd send them home. I also reminded players that it would be obvious who had partied hard the night before by who was puking on the mountainous trail runs we'd do each morning.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 19 July 2023

4pm-ish

"F***," I gasped leaning against a tree.

"Ja," Jörg agreed.

"Seriously, you guys are out of shape," Ulf taunted.

"Now we know what they go through," Jörg said.

"Ja, but we get to take the tram down," I added.

"Except that we just walked," Ulf said. "Do you two even work out?"

"Don't gloat too much," I replied. "You've got functioning knees."

"What a view," Jörg said.

"We'd better hurry on up," Ulf said. "I think the tram stops soon."

We resumed huffing and puffing up the mountain.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 19 July 2023

6:45pm

My phone buzzed. Everyone looked over. I set down my fork and knife and picked it up.

Thomas Hengen

Bad news☹

What?​

Bansen decided to sign for Armenia Bielefeld. Pretty sure they offered less money and no guarantees concerning playing time.

"S***!" I exclaimed, setting my phone down.

"What?" Jörg asked.

"Bansen signed for Bielefeld," I said.

"Well, we get to send someone home from training camp," Lorenzo D'Anna said.

"Ja, and not for drinking," Ulf added.

"And if he'd have signed I was going to try and sell Julian Krahl to generate some transfer budget money," I said, shrugging. "Life goes on."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 21 July 2023


2pm-ish


"Hey, can I have a quick word?" I said to Marlon Ritter and Oliver Hüsing as they trudged off the pitch. We'd just finished our afternoon training session.


"Sure, Enrico," Marlon replied.


"What's up?" Oliver asked.


"Your training this week," I said. "What's going on? All of the coaches have noticed."


"Sorry, Enrico," Oliver said.


"Ja, sorry," Marlon chimed in. "I've just been exhausted all week. I don't know why."


"Ja, me too," Oliver said. "Sorry. Again. We'll pick it up."


"We promise," Marlon added. "We'll do better."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 22 July 2023

11:53am

My phone buzzed as players and staff were climbing into the bus.

Thomas Hengen

Gött in Himmel! Another one. Mohammed Aminu signed for Osnabrück. Scheiße!

Fich mich!​

What the f***? Are they afraid of playing in the Bundesliga?

Our offer was compettive, plus loads of performance bonuses. Are we ever going to f***ing sign anyone? S***.​

"Hey, boss," Mohammed Aminu said in English.

"Yeah, Mohammed, I just got the text," I replied.

"Yes, I better not get on the bus," he said.

"Yup," I said. "Best of luck to you at Osnabrück. I'm sorry it didn't work out."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Josua Meijas replaced Oliver Hüsing and Oliver Batista-Meier replaced Marlon Ritter. Additionally, I've offered Harry Chapman a contract and wanted to give him an opportunity to impress.

In the first minute, Rene Klingenburg sprayed a 40m pass into the path of Shakur Omar. He raced in on goal all alone. My Somali-Swedish loan signing snuck his shot in at the near post.

Not much else happened. Nearly everyone got some minutes. Definitely early season Fußball.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 22 July 2023

5pm-ish

I got a text from Thomas Hengen that Norwich accepted our loan offer fo Ken Aboh. Phew. He's a big, strong kid with serious potential. His ball skills aren't the best, but me and my coaching staff can improve them. His contract with Norwich runs until 30/6/2024 so if he does well and settles well we can pick him up for nothing.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 23 July 2023

3pm-ish

"So how are you feeling?" Jörg asked me.

"Good," I replied. "How can I not feel good looking out across this valley?"

Jörg and Ulf both grunted.

We sat in silence for a while.

"Its really about perspective, isn't it," I mused. "About what really matters. There will be another job after this one. Like that even matters with me. Gwen's income overwhelms the pittance Kaiserslautern deposits each month. Gwen doesn't care ... no, that's not it ... Gwen will be there whether or not Kaiserslautern do well this season or finish bottom. I'll still dote on my kids regardless of how this season goes."

I took a slug from my water bottle.

"We're pretty much ready for the season, squad-wise," I continued. "The bottom line is I think we defend well enough we won't be in relegation trouble."

"You haven't mentioned Kiprit's name in a few days," Ulf observed.

"Ja, there is no interest in him," I said. "I don't get it. He's a young man who has the potential, but not anyone is even sniffing around. Where are the ridiculous lowball offers? Maybe it'll be like last season. Like after I rejected Augsburg's s*** offer. He got over it and tore the league up."

"You think he'll do it again, Ulf?" Jörg asked. "Score lots?"

"Its really about determination and strength," Ulf said. "I think he can. A goal or two early in the season would really help. Make my job easier."

"Ja," Jörg agreed.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 25 July 2023

"Hey, gaffer," Ken Aboh said in English, stopping at the coaches table.

"What's up, Ken?" I replied.

"I've signed me papers," he said. "Its official. I'm a rotten teufel for the season and all that."

"That's great!" I said. "Glad to have you on board."

"Yeah, I like it here," he said. "I mean .. uh ... not here but, you know, back in Kaiserslautern. I mean its a great camp and all that ..."

"I get you're meaning, Ken. Just glad you're joining us."

"Yeah, gaffer, I'm going to go convince Chaps he oughta join up, too."

"I'd appreciate that," I said.

"Cheers," Ken said and walked over to join the English-speaking table of Harry Chapman, Jean Zimmer, Marlon Ritter, and Boris Tomiak. I'd asked these three senior players to help make the Englishmen more comfortable and, well, to sell the club to them. Plus, Ritter, Tomiak, and Zimmer got to practice their English.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 27 July 2023

12:45pm

Players were wandering back out onto the pitch for the second session of the day. They knew to be early. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Harry Chapman and Ken Aboh walking over towards me.

"Gaffer," Ken said in English. "I have a question."

"Sure, what's up?" I replied.

"So I've convinced Harry to sign, do I get a percentage?"

"Is this true?" I asked Chapman. He nodded. I put my hand out. Harry and I shook. "Welcome, Harry, welcome. As to you, smart ****, I'm sorry but I've left my wallet in my locker. You're going to have to wait until later."

"Gaffer," Jean Zimmer said in English. "I listen to that. I know answer. We love Ken but he is loan player. When he sign forever, he gets ... uh ... gets ... what is word?"

"Percentage," we all said.