Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

This is a step in the right direction. One-third of our overall capacity are season ticket holders. The capacity at the Fritz-Walter is 49,850.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 21 August 2023

8am

"I just know this week is going to be better!" I said as I sat down with my espresso.

"Bring on Schalke," Ulf Kirsten said.

"Yeah, lets start by talking about them," I said.

"Alright," Chief Scout Olaf Marschall said. "First off, they're Schalke. We played them twice last year. They have only added one first team player, a fullback with good crossing ability, corners, and free kicks. We're good at defending corners, so we'll just need to be aware that he's good at dead ball scenarios. They play with five at the back and narrow. We should still be able to exploit their flanks."

"Everyone should healthy," Agnieszka said.

"I want to focus on our finishing for this week," I said. "Its what failed us in Berlin."

"Ja, I have some ideas," Ulf Kirsten said. "It should get our finishing where we want it."

"How are the U19s, Alexander?" I asked.

"Ja, feels like a clean start," Alexander Bugera. "Its not good to have to release a player, let alone players, but those two boys attitudes were impacting the squad. I think we won't have any problems anymore in the U19s."

"Uh, hi everybody," Gisela Wortsmahler said as she walked up. "Is now a good time?" We all nodded. "Well, Saturday is a big day. There will be a lot of pageantry and all the associated things with our first home match back in the Bundesliga. We've invited a lot of former players and coaches to join us. Anyways, it may take fifteen minutes of stuff before the match actually kicks off and I don't want the players to be surrpised."

"Thanks, Gisela," I said. "Anything else? No? Okay, lets plan the trainings for the week."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 23 August 2023

12:21pm

"Hey," I said as I walked into the Managing Director's office. "Got a minute?"

"Sure, Enrico, what's up?" Sören Oliver Voigt said.

"Money."

"Ahh, right. The board meeting is tomorrow."

"I want a bigger transfer budget and a bigger payroll," I said.

"Ja ... well ... I will ask for you."

"Thanks."

"We know what they're going to say. Give me a few, new reasons," Sören said.

"One, we need a larger transfer budget so we can go after the targets to keep this club in the Bundesliga," I said. "Two, I need a bigger payroll so that I can offer top players a salary that would convince them to join us. Third, my scouting budget comes out of shifting money from the transfer and payroll budgets and soon we won't be able to scout anyone."

"Those makes sense to me," he replied.

"Ja, I know. Do your best."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 24 August 2023

9:14pm

My phone vibrated. I knew what it was about. I knew the news wasn't going to be good.

Sören Oliver Voigt

Well, I told you I'd ask. They said no to both.

And my arguments I gave didn't sway any of them? Didn't change any votes?​

Sadly, no.

Well, thank you for trying.​

 

[Enrico Pucci]

The Fritz-Walter is packed and loud. Another beautiful summer afternoon for some Fußball. Mejias and Chapman keep their places. Shakur Omar left training on Wednesday with a sore groin and just wasn't quite ready to play today. Ken Aboh takes his place.

Once al the pageantry was done, we started well. Schalke's 5-3-2 system relies on their fullbacks getting forward to provide some width. We'd worked all week on how to shut them down.

Rene Klingenburg played in Chapman in the 5th minute and the Schalke keeper blocked the shot out for a corner.

Boris Tomiak then headed Marlon Ritter's corner right at the keeper.

In the 19th, we had a thrown in out left. Julian Niehues jogged over to provide an option and we had an overload. Ritter crossed to the back post. Muhammed Kiprit headed goalward. Chapman smacked a shot right into a defender.

Muhammed got to the rebound first and poked it past the keeper.

1-0

The Schalke players appealed to the ref for offside, but after a 15 second consultation with the VAR official, he gave the goal.

Schalked gave us the ball straight away and we brought it back into their end. They cleared a cross and Niehues got to it first.

He passed out left to Silva. Amilcar had all day to line up his cross. He was far too excited and bombed it way over everybody.

Jean Zimmer picked up the ball on the far right and ran for the end line. He zipped a pass into Chapman. Chapman tried to play a pass in to either Kiprit or Aboh, but a defender blocked it.

The ball wobbled out to Zimmer who pass inside to Klingenburg who emphatically smashed his shot home!

2-0

The supporters were still singing the second verse of their Kiprit goal song and stopped to roar their approval of the goal.

While the Westkurv as still singing, Schalke brought the ball down into our end and whipped in a cross. Their right forward's header beat Avdo Spahic but hit the post and trickled wide.

Aboh had a gilt-edged chance in the 40th minute, but blasted high.

Boris Tomiak hit the crossbar from a free kick in the 43rd minute.

The Fritz-Walter roared their approval as we walked up the tunnel and into Die Kabine for our halftime break.

The second half was dull by comparison. Schalke tried to work the ball through the middle to create chances, but couldn't.

They had a free kick dead center and just outside the box in the 60th minute, but hit the wall.

Ken Aboh crumpled to the ground in the 65th minute, so I replaced him with Oliver Batista-Meier. Apparently, he'd bruised his shin pretty badly.

In the 76th minute, Jean Zimmer took a throw in right in front of me. He tossed it to Rene who slid a pass down the line towards the corner flag. Jean won the race and crossed into the middle.

OBM met the cross with a towering header and our hometown kid got his first goal for his club!

3-0

And that was about it. We continued to let Schalke have the ball, but they didn't do much with it. I gave Billy Arce and Ilhan Yavuz a few minutes at the end.

The Westkurv serenaded us home.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

"Was that a statement?" Florian Carre of OneFootball asked.

"Ja," I replied.

They waited for me to elaborate, but I didn't.

"Please elaborate," Florian followed up.

"Look, everyone says we're going straight back into 2.Liga," I said. "We won't be. We're going to be fine. We will have some wins like today's this season. We will get points on the road. Underestimate us at your own risk."

"That kind of sounded like a threat, Enrico," Jakob Böttcher of Kaiserslautern Express.

"Did you ever see me play?" I asked Jakob. He nodded. "Did you ever see Jörg Weber play? I know you all saw Ulf Kirsten play. This is a take-no-prisoers kind of team. Isn't there a band by the name of 'You Will Know Us by The Trail of Dead'? Ja, we're that kind of squad."

"Ha, I actually know that band," Jakob said. "Talk about hometown boy Oliver Batista-Meier's substitute appearance."

"Now you know why I signed him," I replied. "He's going to turn out to be a massive theft from Bayern. I'm not sure they knew what they had. Look, his Mom and Dad were watching. How special is that? They were there last week when his free kick hit the upright. That young man is talented."

"Muhammed Kiprit got on the scoresheet, would you comment?" Dennis Friedel of Sportbuzzer asked.

"Ja, no surprise there," I said.

"And you're not going to comment?" Dennis followed up.

"About Muhammed scoring? I mean, what's there to say." I shrugged. "He scores. A lot. I don't know what you want to hear." I shrugged again. "He scores regularly for us. Its kind of like asking me to comment on the sun rising. The sun rises every day. Muhammed scores once every two matches."

"Are you willing to comment about Jean Zimmer's match," Florian asked.

"Ja, sure. He's our captain. He leads by example. When he's not shutting down our right flank defensively, he's bombing down that right flank. Ja, great match from Jean today."

"What about Avdo Spahic," Niklas Boll from Kicker asked.

"He didn't have much to do today. That free header right after we scored our second was crucial. That's why we and the supporters love him. When we need him most, he comes up with a brilliant save. But I want to talk about the defense. All of them worked so well together to bottle up our opponents and send them back up north with their tails between their legs. Great defensive display today."

"Do you think the suitors will be lining up for Kiprit now?" Dennis asked.

"Ja, you would think," I said. "Scores every other game, works hard for the team. We had a falling out over a new contract and he asked to be put on the transfer list. It says something about him as a professional that he's still working hard in training, still learning from the master himself, Ulf Kirsten. I would hate to lose him, but that's Fußball."

"Has anyone approached Kaiserslautern about him?" Jakob asked.

"No," I replied.

"But there is two weeks until the transfer deadline," Jakob said.

"That is true," I said.

"What was it like playing back in the Bundesliga for this club?" Niklas asked.

"It was great," I replied. "The Westkurv was in top form. The Fritz-Walter was packed. The supporters are our twelfth man at home. Its good to be back and great to give the fans a big win in our first home match of this new era. Thanks I've got to go. Bye."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 27 August 2023

I gave the players and staff the day off today. Only the physios went in to take care of any sore players who wanted treatment.

Gwen, Elke and the kids would be getting on a plane at some point today and starting the journey home.

I'd worked out in the gym we have in the basement of the house then did some yoga. Gwen insisted on a pretty elaborate set up. I mean we spent many thousands of euros on the equipment. She works out like a maniac nowadays. The reality of being a model in her thirties demands it.

ATK texted me that not many players came in. Ken Aboh's shin would be fine.

It was another gorgeous summer day so I read scouting reports on the back patio. Gwen had left me rice and lamb korma in tupperware, so I warmed that up and that was my lunch. Since it had sat in the fridge a week, she warned me to sniff it first before I ate it. It smelled fine and tasted good.

Then like any self-respecting football manager, I settled in to watch some matches. I started off at 3pm with Bordeaux hosting Lyon from Ligue 1 on my laptop. At 3:30, my last club, Eintracht Frankfurt, played out a bore draw at Union Berlin on the TV. At 4:30, I began watching Brighton host Everton from the EPL on my iPad. At 6pm, I ordered some Chinese food delivered and I put Hoffenheim v Stuttgart on the TV and my old club Lazio away to Atalanta on my iPad. Hoffenheim destroyed Stuttgart and the Biancoceleste stole the points in Bergamo. My nightcap was Milan visiting Salerno and a Scotch on the rocks.

I called my Mom and chatted for a while before going to bed.

That's the life of a modern day Fußball manager.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 29 August 2023

Jean Zimmer and Rene Klingenburg made the Bundesliga Team of the Week. I forgot to mention it, but last week Avdo Spahic made the list.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 30 August 2023

11:30 am-ish

"Congrats on the call-up, Billy," I said in Spanish as the players were all walking off the training pitch.

"Si, gracias, Enrico," Billy Arce replied.

"So now worries about heading home?"

"Its not exactly home. The capitol, Quito, is a million miles away from Esmeraldes, if you know what I mean. Plus I'll be surrounded the national team staff and I'll pretty much be at the hotel, at training or at the stadium. I'll probably have dinner with my family, but we'll do that in the team hotel."

"So no worries about getting arrested again?" I asked.

"No, that police captain is in a bit of trouble now," he said. "He's answering questions about why he suspected me in the first place. Its all gotten very political. Seńor Fernandes is all up in his business now."

"That's good to hear," I said. "Well, make us all proud."

"Thanks, boss," he said. "I'll do my best."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday night under the lights for the Rheinland-Pfalz Derby. Mainz is only an hour north, just south of Frankfurt. Mewes Arena is sold out. Some three thousand Roten Teufel are crammed into a corner. No changes for the starting XI.

We brought the ball down from the kick off and Shakur Omar stung their keepers gloves with a fine shot, but then we were nearly immediately undone.

Harry Chapman was caught ball-watching as they played a pass down the line for their left fullback. Then Boris Tomiak let Eddie Nketiah get on the wrong side of him as the fullback slid a pass into the box for Eddie. The former Arsenal striker slid the ball under Avdo Spahic.

1-0

No worries, though. In the 7th minute, Shakur Omar won a free kick just outside the left corner of the Mainz penalty box. Rene Klingenburg, Josua Mejias, Omar, and Tomiak all lined up for far post runs. Ritter delivered, Tomiak leapt highest and smashed his header home.

1-1

In the 27th minute, Amilcar Silva won a free kick in the Mainz left corner. In effect it was just a corner but taken 5m closer to the goal. Once again, Ritter curled in a back post cross and once again Tomiak rose highest and scored with another header.

1-2

However, straight from the restart Mainz brought the ball down the left. Once again, Chapman was caught ball-watching and their left fullback whipped in a cross. Their forward smashed a header towards the top left corner but somehow Spahic guessed correctly and snared it!

"HARRY! HARRY!" I yelled. Chapman looked over. "Don't get caught ball-watching!" I yelled in English. He raised a hand to recognize he'd heard me.

In the 32nd minute, they played yet another ball down the left for their left fullback. Chapman was there to defend, but fell for the shoulder feint and their fullback whipped in yet another cross.

Nketiah redirected the cross past Spahic at the near post for his second.

2-2

This time Jörg was off the bench yelling at Chapman, Mejias, Tomiak and Zimmer.

The two teams exchanged chances for the rest of the half. It was more NBA Basketball than Bundesliga Fußball. If I would have had any hair, I would have pulled it out over our defending.

The ref looked at his watch just as we won a corner. We'd have one last chance to end the half.

Ritter jogged over to retrieve the ball as Mejias and Tomiak made their way forward.

Ritter delivered another back post cross. I thought initially that Tomiak had a first half hat trick, but it was Klingenburg who smashed home the header.

2-3

"Alright, that was an interesting half," I said once everyone we were in the away team room. "Chapman, Mejias, Tomiak, Zimmer ... please for the love of God sort out the balls down our right for their fullback." They all nodded. "We've got the lead so we know what to do. Go out there and do it."

In the 63rd, Omar was hobbling so I sent on Ken Aboh.

In the 70th, I sent on Matej Mach for an exhausted Silva.

In the 75th, I sent on Billy Arce to replace Chapman. I gave Billy instructions to closely watch their left fullback.

The second half was the complete and utter opposite of the first half. The only points of interest is in the 80th minute, Klingenburg unleashed a tomahawk missile of a shot from 35m that the Mainz keeper miraculously saved. The rebound laid there and Billy Arce won the footrace for the loose ball with the net gaping. Billy hit the far post with his shot.

The final point of interest is in the third minute of extra time, Julian Niehues crumpled to the turf after a nicking the ball off a Mainz player. ATK jogged out.

"Groin," Jörg said after a brief radio conversation with Agnieszka.

Since we were out of subs, we played a man down for the remaining two minutes.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 2 September 2023

By the way, nothing happened on transfer deadline day, yesterday. At least for Kaiserlautern. Plenty of other things happened, but I don't care this weekend. I'm sure that Muhammed Kiprit's agent will be furious he didn't make a commission on the transfer of his client. But whatever. I don't care (I may have mentioned this already, don't remember).

Gwen, Matthew, Allison, and I took the earliest flight out of Frankfurt for Copenhagen for the weekend.

Lovely city, Copenhagen. Be sure to have some Smørrbrød while you're there. Its basically just an open-faced sandwich piled high with stuff, but apparently there are rules (I have no clue about such things). I happen to love pickled fish (from my time in Spain) and I highly recommend the pickled herring smørrbrød. Also, they have some great middle eastern restaurants.

The kids loved the park in the middle of the city called Tivoli Gardens. I loved it because my kids had fun and Gwen and I got to just hang out.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 4 September 2023

12:19pm

"Hey, Sören," I said as I knocked on our Managing Director Sören Oliver Voigt's door.

"Ja, hello Enrico."

"Let's talk finances, shall we?"

"Ja, lets," he said and displayed our finances on the big screen on his wall. "Essentially, the Bundesliga has been good to us. 4.3 million gross, 3.7 million expenses, and a profit of 530k for August. Merchandise was 300k, up from 220 from a year ago."

"I want to put this good news in perspective," Sören said.

"You do love killing my buzz, don't you," I interjected.

"Ja, that's true. Check this out. This is why the board haven't approved a higher transfer budget or payroll budget. At this point its like tossing pfennig into the sea in an effort to fill it up. Bayern spend 21 times what we spend per week. The average, including Bayern, is 1.3 million, but without Bayern ... because, honestly, they're an anomaly ... its 1.08 million per week. We're still 4 times under the average."

"Ja, the task we have before us is herculean," I said. "I have two immediate concerns. First, some core team member is going to want a new contract. I'm guessing Boris Tomiak. I can't offer him a new contract as we're way over the payroll budget. Secondly, we're going to run out of money for scouting soon."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 10 September 2023

During most interlulls, I've scheduled a mini-league or at least a friendly to make some money for Kaiserslautern. However, we're doing fine financially so I didn't feel compelled to schedule anything for this weekend. So Gwen and I are taking it easy and laying around the house this weekend. Personally, this is great. I think I had three naps*. A two day weekend with nothing going on feels so luxurious. We went out to dinner on Friday and Saturday nights. The kids played in the backyard in the afternoons. We went to a park on Saturday.

* Not a picture of me, but representative of what I looked like.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 13 September 2023

11:15am

"Hey, Enrico," Jean Zimmer said as players were walking off the field.

"What's up, Jean?" I said.

"Silva," he said. "We've been chatting a bit this week. He's not that happy that other players are getting new contracts but you haven't talked to him."

"Huh," I murmured. "Are you just informing me or do you think I should talk to him?"

"Ja, play it safe and have a talk," my Captain said.

"Thanks, Jean."

Up in the cafeteria, I got in line behind Amilcar Silva.

"Hey, Silva, how are you."

"I'm good, Enrico, what are you getting today?" he asked.

"The schnitzel and a salad," I replied. "You?"

"Weisswurst and spätzel. And salad. Since you're watching."

"Hah! So how's life now that you are married and all that?"

"Ja, no changes really."

"That was the same for me. We'd already been living together."

"Ja, same."

"Are you parents demanding offspring, yet?"

"Oh, lord. Thankfully, no. My older brother has two boys so the pressure is off me."

"Everything else good?"

"Ja, its all good."

"Good. I'm just prying because word on the streets, if you know what I mean, is that you might not be so happy about your contract."

"I see a bunch of the players who've been here longer getting new contracts," he said. "But I really appreciate that you've checked in with me. I was thinking I'd like one, but its not time, yet. . It means a lot that you've checked in with me, though. Thanks, boss."

"Ja, for sure, Silva. Enjoy your lunch."

"Thanks, boss."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 15 September 2023

11:14am

"Marlon, anything going on?" I asked my midfield wizard as we walked off the training pitch.

"Since you're asking, apparently something is?" Marlon Ritter replied.

"Ja, your training."

"What about it?"

"Marlon, you're a leader in the locker room," I said. "This is the second week in a row that your training hasn't been up to its usual standards."

"I don't know what you mean," he replied.

"Um ... Günther's been yelling at you the last two weeks during sprints. He never yells at you because you usually work really hard. Agnieszka said you don't have any lingering injuries ... at least any you've told her about. You aren't working as hard as you usually do in drills. You haven't done any extra training on free kicks in the last two weeks. When did the aliens replace my Marlon with this copy that I'm currently looking at?"

"Do you not think that a more positive approach might be more constructive?" he said.

"Hmm ...," I murmured walking around him, pretending to examine him more closely. "I'm going to go with the aliens have kidnapped Marlon and replaced him with an inferior copy. Would you tell our Alien Overlords that I'm not fooled and that I'd like my real Marlon back? You can go get showered now Mr. Marlon Copy."

"This is probably the weirdest conversation I've had with you," Marlon said.

"Alien copy," I replied.

"And that's saying something," he said over his shoulder as he walked off.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

The Friday night match was as bonkers as my conversation with Marlon. Mainz showed up at my former stomping grounds intent on disrupting anything Eintracht tried to do by fouling. The ref spent most of the first half talking to Mainz players about their repeated fouling. Yet, the only yellow was to an Eintracht player. Until stoppage time.

Stephan Bell lost his mind and decided that amputating Eintracht striker Rafael Santos Borré's ankles was the only option. Borré had committed the unconscionable crime of sprinting across the midfield line after a pass. Maybe Bell thought initially that he could get to the ball first. All he got were Borré's ankles.

Straight red card.

Then Leandro Barreiro Martins got two yellows in about ten minutes and Mainz were down to 9.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday is a big day in the Bundesliga.

Stuttgart have gotten off to a horrific start. Hoffenheim and Leverkusen both hope to get their seasons going when they face off. We three newly promoted clubs are off to respectable starts to the campaign. 4th place Hertha visit the champions.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Marlon Ritter is not happy that he's on the bench. But if you train poorly enough, you lose your spot. Oliver Batista-Meier replaces him. Since Harry Chapman didn't have the best game in his last match and since Billy Arce is back to full fitness, Billy starts as the winger. Finally, since Julian Niehues is still hurt, I decided that Matej Mach starts at defensive midfield.

We gave Bochum too much space to operate in the midfield. We paid for it in the 18th minute. They just had too much time to pick out their passes. Their left winger played a deep cross from way out wide. Boris Tomiak and Josua Mejias reacted poorly to it and their forward corraled the cross, rounded Mejias, skipped past Avdo Spahic and slid the ball into the open net.

1-0

"JEAN! BORIS! JEAN! BORIS!" I yelled. They looked over. "PUSH UP! PUSH UP! COMPACT THE MIDFIELD!"

They signaled that they heard me. We responded to their tally by scoring our own.

We screwed up a throw in deep left in the Bochum half. Bochum broke on the counter. Matej Mach repaid my faith in him by racing back and nipping the ball of the Bochum attacker.

We then passed the ball around for a minute before working the ball down the right. Zimmer, Billy and Rene Klingenburg kept interpassing, attempting to find the perfect position to cross. Finally, Billy crossed and Shakur Omar flicked a header past the Bochum keeper.

1-1

Pushing the defense up and compacting the midfield didn't exactly do the trick. They created a scoring chance for their right winger in the 22nd minute but, thankfully, his shot zipped past the outside of the post.

Now our problem was that Oliver wasn't having all that good of a game. When the ball came to him, he continually lost it. In the 33rd, they nearly scored on the counter after he lost the ball.

"OLIVER! OLIVER!" I yelled. He looked over. "SETTLE DOWN! SETTLE DOWN! PLAY THE EASY PASS!" He gave me a thumb's up.

In the 39th, Amilcar Silva let the right winger make a run inside of him and needed Spahic to save us. Which he did.

"Come on guys," I said once we were in the away team room at halftime. "They could have scored four against us. We're just too sloppy and inattentive on defense. We need to compress the midfield and not give them time. I know you can do it. We're generating chances so if we compress and press them we have a chance of getting all the points. Now get out there and do it."

Aside from giving the ball away three straight times starting in the 50th minute ... leading to Bochum scoring chances each time ... we turned the second half into a snorefest.

In the 60th minute, I pulled off Billy Arce. I didn't want to risk further injury after his layoff. I sent Oliver out to the wing and put on Marlon Ritter in the center of midfield.

In the 70th, I took of Muhammed Kiprit. He was having a mediocre game. I sent on Ken Aboh.

In the 80th, I took off Amilcar Silva, moved Matej Mach over to left back and brought on Molla Wagué as the defensive midfielder.

In the 81st, Bochum hit our crossbar from a corner. We cleared the rebound for another corner. We cleared the subsequent corner and Oliver got to the rebound first.

He raced the length of the field and had his crossed block out for a corner.

Everyone jogged forward into their positions for a corner.

Marlon Ritter's corner sailed over everyone's heads. The reason it sailed over was Bochum defenders had Mejias and Omar in wrestling holds.

"PENALTY! PENALTY!" I screamed as I ran towards the fourth offiicial. He held up his hand to stop me.

The ref had held up a finger to signal he needed a minute to talk to the VAR official. After a brief discussion, he pointed to the spot. The Bochum players all surrounded the ref to protest, but it had no affect.

Marlon Ritter picked up the ball and began trying to find the exact perfect placement of the ball on the penalty spot. The Bochum supporters behind the goal went nuts jeering, whistling and otherwise trying to distract Marlon.

Marlon ran up, the goalie dove to his left. Marlon placed his shot to that same side but into the side netting inside of the post.

1-2

I dropped to my knees, pumping my fists. Instead of a tsunami, players ran around like chickens with their heads cut off.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 17 September 2023

I know its early in the season. Too early in fact. I always say never look at the table until the tenth round. But here you go. 1.FC Kaiserslautern is in second place on goal difference.

 

[Enrico Pucci]