Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 19 September 2023

Marlon Ritter made the Bundesliga Team of the Week.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Ken Aboh replaces Muhammed Kiprit as Ken trained well and Muhammed has been in bad form. Marlon Ritter returns to the line-up. Confronting Marlon about his poor training lit a fire in him, hopefully that continues today.

We surprised everyone with our great start to the match.

We had a throw deep left in the Gladbach end. Matej Mach threw in to Ritter. Back to Mach. Back to Ritter. Across to Julian Niehues who moved the ball out wide right to Jean Zimmer. Zimmer saw Ritter make his run and delivered a perfect cross for him.

The Gladbach players surrounding the ref claiming offside. He put his finger up to his ear to signal he was talking to his VAR official.

"Its a goal," Jörg said holding up his iPad. "Look at this."

After a few moments consultations (seemed like hours), the ref signaled for a goal.

1-0

I was expecting a fightback from Gladbach, but none materialized. Shakur Omar got a 2nd in the 28th from a poor back pass.

2-0

I fully expected Gladbach to get one back before halftime, but we held on. I praised the players at the half and they continued their great play in the second half.

Gladbach decided that what they needed to do was foul more. I spent most of the second half moaning at the fourth official and begging the ref to protect my players. He finally started carding them. But it got bizarre.

In the 87th, substitute Molla Wagué (on for an exhausted Julian Niehues), missed his tackle and clipped their midfielder. Nothing worse than what I'd been whinging about all half that had so far only resulted in two yellow cards for Glabach players. Yet, the ref reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a red!?!

"If that was a red, why the h*ll weren't all of those violent Gladbach fouls red?" I said to the fourth official.

"Watch it, Enrico," the fourth official said.

"What the swearing or questioning Winkmann's integrity?" I asked.

"Both," he replied.

"So how weren't all of those violent tackles, many of which he didn't even think were fouls not red cards. I demand an explanation."

"I'm about to report you and get you carded," the fourth official said, getting in my face.

Two pairs of hands grabbed me and dragged me back to the dugout.

My remaining 10 did great protecting the lead. There would be 4 minutes of extra time. In the second minute I was up off the bench and sprinting over to the fourth official yet again.

"How was that a penalty?" I asked. "He hasn't called any of the usual clutching, grabbing, pushing and all that yet in the game. But he calls it now in extra time? Who committed the foul?"

"Mejias did," the fourth official said.

Jörg ran up and showed me the video.

"If he watches the angle from behind the goal, its clear that the guy was trying to fall down," I said to the fourth official. "This is ludicrous. This is an outrage." The ref pointed to the spot. The entire stadium began booing and whistling. "Seriously? How can he even ..."

Large hands grabbed me once again and dragged me screaming back to the bench.

They converted the penalty as the whole stadium booed.

2-1

The ref handed out two more cards to Gladbach players who got frustrated with our time wasting.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 24 September 2023

10pm-ish

"Well that was quite a spectacle my Italian-American drama queen," Gwen said as we sat down for dinner at Los Che. For those of you with long memories, my Spanish scout Vicente recruited me to be a silent partner in this restaurant. Two years in and it was always full.

"I assume you are referring to my sideline antics not the drama of the match," I said.

"No, you."

"That ref was really something today," I said. "What are you in the mood for?"

"Paella," she replied. "You were so cute dancing up and down the sideline, shouting and pointing. Whinging at the fourth official. I just loved it when Jörg and Lorenzo dragged you off kicking and screaming. So. Much. Drama. Melted me heart."

"The ref was terrible," I said.

"Did you catch the match highlights on TV?" she asked.

"No. Do tell."

"Well ... there were loads of shots of you and the fourth official. You were bright red, veins all bulgy. If you were older, I'd have sworn you were having a coronary. What are you having?"

"Mmmm ... its all so good, I just can't decide," I said. "Hmmm ... maybe the ... um ... lambchops with potatoes."

"And have you seen your post match interview, my dear?"

"I don't even wanna ..."

"You should. Do you remember what you said?"

"How much trouble am I in?"

"Yes, probably some," she said shaking her head in disbelief.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Werner: Welcome to another edition of the Rötliche and Teuflisch podcast. Please like and subscribe. Today we discuss Kaiserslautern's home victory over Borussia Monchengladbach. As always, I'm joined by my good friend Jakob. How are you today, Jakob?

Jakob: Really good. You know what's funny?

Werner: No, what's funny.

Jakob: How so much of my happiness is contingent upon how Kaiserslautern are doing.

W: Ja, that's the truth. Some match, huh?

J: Ja, some match. I am reflecting this morning on how resilient our squad is. Two years ago the core of this squad was playing in 3.Liga yet yesterday they held their own in the Bundesliga.

W: Warms your heart, doesn't it? Lets talk about that first goal.

J: Ja, lets. Nicely worked across the field. Zimmer's awareness was amazing, spotting Ritter free at the back post.

W: Did the refs little chat with the VAR official feel like it took all afternoon to you?

J: Ja, it did. But at least the refs are not running over to the sideline monitor to watch every little thing. Really well taken goal by Ritter. He made it look easy and I can tell you from my Sunday amateur league, volleys like that are not easy.

W: What are your thoughts on the second goal.

J: Its been a while since I've seen a poor back pass like that. Good for Shakur Omar. Got the ball nicely past the keeper. I think you can really see the influence of Ulf Kirsten on our forwards.

W: Howso?

J: His mantra is it doesn't matter how it goes in, it matters that it goes in. We're pretty clinical in front of goal. Hence the four wins and one draw out of our opening five matches.

W: Ja, Gladbach was a real test of our mettle. The first of our tests against the big boys. Speaking of tests, Bayern are Wednesday.

J: And I'm shivering in my boots. They are scary. Lewandoski, Gnabry, Müller, Sane all intent upon inflicting harm upon my little beloved Kaiserslautern.

W: Speaking of inflicting harm, what do you think Adi Hütter the Gladbach coach said to his players at halftime. They came out intent upon inflicting harm in a different way than Bayern does.

J: I can guess what he said but I'm sure he wasn't happy with his squad's first half play. I can't believe he actually said go out there and try to hurt as many players as you can.

W: Do you think they were excessive in their fouling.

J: Of course.

W: Let's talk about Enrico Pucci's match.

J: Ja, he was busy all second half.

W: Why do you think he bothered to walk back to the dugout when he was only sprinting back to the fourth official within seconds?

J: Hah, ja! He was either in intense dialogue with the fourth official or yelling at the ref. Actually, I think he was playing the crowd to. He certainly made a rather boring second half more watchable.

W: Lets talk about the red card.

J: Lets.

W: First, it wasn't. Second, f*** Guido Winkmann. Third, how many of the Gladbach yellow cards were more violent?

J: That was Pucci's comment in the post match interview.

W: Can we talk about that? That was as crazy a press conference as I've seen in a while.

J: So ... ja ... um ... where to begin. Pucci was mainly asking for consistency. But he's Enrico Pucci and he had to bring up the German penal code, leniency in sentencing, the drug war, and jazz.

W: Ja, it was absolutely bonkers, wasn't it.

J: Ja, when he gets on a roll, you never know where he's going to go.

W: Do you think he'll be in trouble with the DFB for his comments?

J: I think he stayed just barely on the safe side. Barely. He made his standard statement that he always makes that he supports the refs and that they do their best to do a very hard job, and that will probably save him a censure.

W: Okay, lets return to the match. Winkmann called a penalty on Mejias. I've watched the replay. That was really, really soft.

J: Ja, soft is right. That was another of Pucci's complaints in the post match press conference ... that Winkmann hadn't called any fouls like that all game long. But returning to our play, I think we handled playing with ten really well.

W: We certainly did a great job wasting time, that's for sure. Anything else about the match?

J: No, I think that is about all there is. Do we want to talk about how well the club is doing?

W: Ja, for sure. Third in the Bundesliga on goal difference. We passed our first test. We visit Bayern on Wednesday. Is this exciting or what?

J: Exciting, exhilirating, scary. Ja.

W: We probably shouldn't talk about this too much, we don't want to jinx ourselves.

J: That is true. Shall we move on to questions?

W: Ja, lets. I've got one from your Mom. Where would be without your Mom writing in? Okay ... um ... let me find it ... I had it right ... there it is ... Gerd666 on Twitter asks will we sell Muhammed Kiprit or will he and Pucci make up?

J: I don't know. There weren't any offers. If they were they were low ball ones and rejected immediately. Time will tell. I just wonder if Kiprit knows that Pucci has a habit of getting the most out of his forwards and that Kiprit might not thrive elsewhere.

W: Your question?

J: Ja, skeldonzoX on Twitter asks how we think we'll do against Bayern.

W: Ooh, good question. I think we'll lose, but we'll fight bravely. We'll do ourselves proud.

J: I think we have a shot at a draw. I think if we can make it to halftime without conceding that will be a moral victory. You never know, Bayren might have a stinker. Its possible.

W: However unlikely. Anything else?

J: No. That's all I've got.

W: Then go away now.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Allianz Arena is f***ing big. Its also f***ing full. Its an intimidating place to play.

Amilcar Silva, Harry Chapman and Oliver Batista-Meier bring fresh legs into the Starting XI.

The first half was a moral victory for us: it was really boring.

FC Hollywood got their first shot in the 29th minute.

In the 38th, Serge Gnabry's shot hit the post, ricocheted off Avdo Spahic, hit the bar again and fell for Jean Zimmer to clear. Except Gnabry got called offside.

Just after we rolled into extra time, Gnabry shot high from the top of the box.

We didn't take a shot in the first half.

In the 49th, we got our first shot on target and it was a disappointment. Zimmer bombed down the right flank and whipped in a cross. Shakur Omar was all alone shot directly at Manuel Neuer from 6m.

In the 53rd, Muhammed Kiprit poked a shot goalward in a goalmouth scrum. It hit Neuer and he smothered it.

In the 81st, Timo Werner blasted a shot a millimeter wide of the post.

In the 84th, Billy Arce, replacement for Omar, forgot to mark their right fullback and Avdo Spahic did well to deflect his shot out for a corner.

In the 87th, I thought we'd won the game. From a throw in in the Bayern end, Silva took the throw. Ritter eventually found himself with time to pick out his cross. Substitute Ken Aboh's header hit the crossbar and he tapped in the rebound.

Sadly, it wouldn't count. The assistant ref had his flag up. The ref checked with the VAR official and it was denied.

"F***," Jörg said. He showed me his iPad. Aboh was a meter offside on the original cross.

That was it. We left München with a point!

 

[Enrico Pucci]

"Congratulations, you held the champions scoreless."

"Ja, thanks," I replied. "We had a game plan and we stuck to it."

"No shots in the first half, though?"

"Ja, our plan was to make it to half time without conceding and then see what happened in the second half."

"Do you think you caught Bayern on an off day?"

"Well ... how much of it was we didn't give them many opportunities and how much of it was nobody in their squad came up with a golazo? You can't defend against a 30 meter wonder strike so ... listen ... here's the deal ... Bayern have won the Bundesliga every year starting with the 2012-2013 season. We haven't been in the Bundesliga for that entire duration. It got really really bad for this club during this same time period. We just came to the home of the champions, shut them down and left with a point. Its a massive moral victory."

"Did you think you'd won it at the end?"

"I saw the assistant's flag go up and, ja, Ken Aboh was off. I've seen the replay."

"So you've got a pretty happy team room right now."

"Ja," I replied.

"Would you comment, please?"

"Two seasons ago we were coming to München to visit Türkgücü München in an empty Olympiastadion. Today the Allianz Arena had 77,000 people in it. So, ja, we're quite pleased with ourselves."

"How far can this squad, this club go?"

"We just take it one match at a time. We'll analyze tonight's match tomorrow then turn our attention to Hoffenheim this coming Saturday at the Fritz-Walter. Obviously, our initial goal for this season is to put points on the board early in the season. I think we're doing quite well at that. Uh ... thanks ... I'm going to go into the team room now."

"Thanks for your time."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 28 September 2023

2:30pm

The woman from the school's front desk led me to an office and opened the door. Matthew sat in a chair looking at his hands. He didn't look up when I entered the office. One woman was behind a desk, another woman sat next to Matthew. There was a separate chair across from the three of them. I was probably supposed to sit on it.

"Thank you for making the time to come in," the woman said who sat next to my son. "Would you please sit down. I'm Inga, Matthew's assistant teacher. This is Mathilda, she's a school counselor."

"Hi," I said. "I'm sorry my wife can't make it. She's out of town. So there's been an incident?"

"Today, Matthew struck another boy," Inga said. "Hit him three times. He was provoked but we've called you in as we do not tolerate any violence. This is Matthew's first incident of this nature."

"Hi, Matthew," I said. He half-grunted, half-sighed. He still wouldn't look up.

"Matthew claims the boy called his mother a name," Inga continued. "And we've confiscated a picture from the boy."

"What name?" I asked.

"The boy referred to your wife as a s*x worker," Inga said.

"Ja, that's not what he said," I said. "How long has this been going on?"

"We think just today," Inga replied.

"Matthew, I have a question," I said in English. He looked over and made eye contact with my feet. "Matthew? Has this been going on a while? Or was this the first time someone at school called Mom a bad name?"

Inga was about to say something, but I put a hand up. Matthew didn't reply.

"Matthew, its really important," I said in English again. "You can answer in whatever language you'd prefer. Was this the first time anyone said anything about Mom?" He didn't reply. "Or you can just nod yes or shake your head no."

He shook his head no.

"Well this is an interesting development," I said to Inga in German. "Have you attempted to find out if he's being bullied?"

"This is the first incident as I said earlier," Inga replied.

"I'd just like to be up front about this," I said. "I was bullied as a kid. The group of kids who targeted me never got into trouble for the bullying, but I got in trouble when I fought back. So sitting here with you today triggers some unpleasant memories. I'm guessing you're not going to do anything about the actual problem. Just punish my son."

"Hold on now, Enrico," Inga said. Suddenly, she was defensive. "We are here to discuss you're son's reaction to a situation with violence..."

"May I ask you two a personal question," I interjected. They both nodded. "Were either of you ever bullied?"

"This is immaterial to the discussion," Inga said.

"No, its crucial," I said. "Its my experience that schools never ever address the bullying. You can't reason with a bully. They are just predators looking for any weakness. Looking to denigrate anyone who is different from them. If you've never been bullied then you wouldn't know that by the time you lash out, they've pushed you past your limits of what you can tolerate. But, no, lets just talk about my son's reaction and how you can't do anything to protect him."

"Enrico, please calm down," Mathilda said. I swung my gaze from Inga to her. "Up until now, we didn't know there was a history."

"Did anybody other than me think to ask?" I said. "I mean, his Mom has her pictures plastered across magazines and billboards across the world. He's an easy target for some bullies looking for material."

"Enrico, do you have a problem with your son's reaction?" Mathilda asked.

I decided that replying with 'if some guy called my wife a wh*re, he'd probably get what's coming' wasn't a good idea.

"I think the key difference between you and I is empathy," I replied. "I've been on the receiving end and you two have no idea what its like. You have your school rules that cannot be violated and no ways to deal with bullying other than happy slogans."

Both women looked at me aghast. Matthew was watching me intently.

"There are other ways to deal with taunts," Mathilda said.

"How long is he suspended?" I asked.

"Tomorrow," Inga said. "We'll have a meeting on Monday to talk about next steps."

"I will be interested on hearing what your next steps will be to protect my son from the bullies at your school," I said rising. "Matthew, let's go."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 29 September 2023

9ish pm

"You said what?" Gwen exclaimed.

"That they didn't understand what its like to be bullied," I said.

"And did you bring your usual level of intensity my Italian-American intensity machine?" she asked.

"Well ... um ... probably," I confessed.

"Like the intensity you bring to your discussions with the fourth official on any given weekend?"

"Maybe."

"Feckin 'ell," she exclaimed. "Those poor women. And how is Matthew?"

"He's fine. He's asleep. We got ice cream on the way home and he played Playstation all day. We had pizza for dinner."

"Did you two talk?"

"Yeah, I told him about the boys who bullied me."

"What did he say?" Gwen asked.

"Not much."

"Well ... I'm home late tomorrow," she said. "Love you to bits. Ta ta."

"Love you, too. Ciao."

Click.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Its a lovely fall day for Fußball. The Fritz-Walter is mostly full and rocking. A few changes mainly because of tired legs. Mach replaces Silva, Billy replaces Harry, and Klingy replaces Oliver.

We score early through a cross from Billy Arce. Omar nods it home at the far post in the 9th minute.

1-0

Then we almost score again twice from successive corners in the 11th minute. Ritter to Omar each time.

For whatever reason, Boris Tomiak is giving the ball away. It almost results in a Hoffenheim goal in the 19th. Avdo Spahic makes a diving save to deflect a shot wide.

In the 23rd, Mach sends in a far post cross but Klingenburg heads directly at the keeper from 5m.

A minute later Spahic makes a diving save and holds onto a shot destined for the upper corner.

The two teams continue to race back and forth across the pitch, NBA-style, but without any real chances for a while.

We're nearly undone in the 41st minute. Their keeper hoofs a long ball straight up the middle. Tomiak fails to deal with it and the Hoffenheim left midfielder is about to shoot when Jean Zimmer nicks the ball off him. Swing and a miss kind of thing.

But in the 44th we were undone. Cross in from our left. Zimmer didn't even jump with their left midfielder. Spahic had no chance on his redirection.

1-1

We almost regained our lead in the first minute of stoppage time. Ritter's free kick glances off the top of the bar.

We started off the second half well. An Omar header from a Klingy cross stung their keeper's hands.

Josua Mejias scores with a thumping header at exactly 48:00 from a Ritter corner.

2-1

We almost scored again in the 50th! Another Kling cross, another Omar header but this time at his feet. I think their keeper got lucky it hit him.

In the 62nd minute, their forward made a blind side run off Tomiak. He shot at the top of the box as Tomiak was about to launch a desperation tackle. Spahic tipped the shot round the post for a corner.

Omar was tiring so I sent Harry Chapman on as winger and moved Billy up top as forward.

In the 65th, I removed Kiprit as he'd been ineffective. I sent on Ken Aboh.

In the 75th, they worked the ball down our right flank. Tomiak was ball-watching and let their forward run right in front of him. He also watched as the pass zipped past him and watched as their forward scored.

2-2

Boris is not having his best game. Zimmer was exhausted so I switched Mach to right fullback and sent Amilcar Silva.

It didn't matter, though, because we got a third in the 81st. We had a throw deep in the right corner of the Hoffenheim end. We started working the ball around and the Hoffenheim defenders did a keystone kops routine which eventually left Klingy free on the end line.

I lasered a pass across the 5m box and it more hit Billy and went in than anything else.

3-2

Hoffenheim though they'd scored a third equalizer. In the 84th, we cleared a corner and three blue-shirted players were all offside including their goal-scorer. I can't believe the ref need to consult VAR on this one. Looked pretty clearly offside to me.

Here's what Jörg's iPad showed:

Hoffenheim were deflated after the denied goal and my players found a second wind. Well ... enough to start wasting as much time as possible without getting carded.

And that was it.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 1 October 2023

We're second on goal difference!

Financially, we're in great shape. If we lose 1.5M per month, we'll be fine. I'll just stage some big money friendlies during interlulls and some mini-leagues over the winter break to reduce our losses.

Here's some interesting analysis. We're getting fouled a lot, we're outperforming our xG, we complete a high percentage of our crosses (relative to other clubs), and we get half of our shots on target. Additionally, we don't beat teams one-on-one (dribbling); we beat them with our moving and passing.

Defensively, we're passive and we don't tackle. I've set my defense up to wait for the opponent to make a mistake. I'm challenging our opponents to beat us -- we're not going to beat ourselves. I'm not blessed with superstar defenders so I make up for it by being compact and organized.

Our conceded per game is way lower than the goals we should be expected to concede. We don't commit many fouls, make a lot of clearances, blocks and interceptions. Like we're top of the Bundesliga in that respect.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 2 October 2023

9am

"Good morning, Inga," Gwen said. "Good morning, Mathilda."

"Hi," I said.

"Good morning to both of you," Inga said. "Hello, Matthew. How are you?"

"Fine," he replied.

We all sat down.

"Look, I'm sorry about my reaction on Thursday," I said. "It was unfiltered. It was what I give the ref and the fourth officials. School is not the Bundesliga. Sorry."

"Thanks, Enrico," Inga said. "We appreciate that. So have the two of you, thinking back, noticed any behavior changes with Matthew? Like sleeplessness, lack of appetite, shorter than usual attention span? Strang new behaviors? Or headaches, stomach aches?"

"No," Gwen replied. "We talked this over and can't think of anything." I nodded in agreement.

"Because those are some of the common signs a child is getting bullied," Inga said. "He hasn't missed any school so far this year. Okay, now Matthew ... what do you think about all this?"

"I don't know," he mumbled.

"Do you have any ideas about what you can do if someone teases and won't stop or says something really mean?" she asked.

"Don't hit them," he mumbled.

"Anything else?" she asked. "Can you think of another way to get it to stop?"

"Walk away," he mumbled.

"And if that doesn't work?"

"Um ... talk to you?"

"Yes, that is exactly what you should do if someone says something like what happened on Thursday," Inga said. "Me, Ms. Blumhauer are the perfect people to stop anyone from bullying you. That way you don't have to hit anyone. Okay?"

"Okay," Matthew said. "Can I go to class now?"

"Ja, for sure," Inga said. "Ms. Blumhauer and the rest of class are waiting for you."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 3 October 2023

11:45ish am

"So of course I apologized," I said. Everyone at the table groaned.

"What about the f***ing bully?" Jörg asked.

"Matthew is supposed to tell his teacher or the assistant if it happens again," I replied. "And let them deal with it."

"Calling someone's Mom names is fighting words," Lorenzo said. "Doesn't matter what country."

"Ja, we'll see how it goes," I said.

"Good morning, guys," Sören Oliver Voigt said as he walked up with his tray. We all greeted him. "So I'm going to ask for more money again. Transfer and payroll."

"Oh, that's right," I said. "Board meeting tonight. I'd completely forgotten."

"Do you think second on goal difference might influence the board this time?" Ulf asked.

"Maybe," Sören shrugged. "If we keep doing so well at some point they're ... well ... I mean ... we've got the money now. Absolute worst case scenario is they loosen up for the summer transfer window."

I stood up. I saw Amilcar Silva and Billy Arce walking into the cafeteria. I stood on my chair. Everyone looked at me.

"Guess which two Kaiserslautern players were just announced in the Bundesliga Team-of-the-Week?" I said. "AMILCAR SILVA and BILLY ARCE!"

Everyone applauded. I sat down and resumed eating my lunch.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 3 October 2023

9:20pm

My phone vibrated.

"Hi Sören," I answered.

"Good news, Enrico, good news," Managing Director Sören Oliver Voigt said. "They agreed. They f***ing finally agreed!"

"That's great, Sören. Thanks for advocating for me. For everyone, really. The fans, everyone."

"Honestly, I think its just that we're halfway to guaranteeing safety. I did remind them that you walked from Bologna when the President and General Manager ****** you off. And that you have very close emotional ties to the club."

"Ooh, that was clever. And manipulative. Well done, Sören."

"Congrats are in order for you, too," he said. "Your vision is bearing fruit. You've built something special here."

"How much?"

"I don't know, yet. I'll have the numbers in the morning."

"Alright. Thanks."

"See you tomorrow."

"Ciao."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

 

[Enrico Pucci]

I got off the bus. The coaching staff got off the bus. Agnieszka got off the bus. Even Milan the bus driver got off the bus. Shakur Omar and Josua Meijas got off, but nobody else.

Freiburg bent us over their knee and paddled our bare bottoms like we were relegation fodder.

It was f***ing embarrassing.

Omar created their first goal with a loose pass back towards Marlon Ritter. Boris Tomiak and Mejias were unprepared to defend and we were down a goal in the 11th minute. Omar made up for his s*** pass by scoring a back post header from a Ritter free kick minutes later.

But Jean Zimmer did nothing to stop a cross and Mejias did not mark his striker on their 2nd in the 30th.

We just collapsed defensively starting around 60 minutes.

As I watched the floodgates open, I wondered about who had kidnapped the squad that held Bayern in the Allianz Arena and had gotten the club up to 2nd in the Bundesliga on goal difference and replaced them with the a$$klowns I was watching.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 9 October 2023

8am

"To quote my esteemed assistant coach 'that was some f***ing s***' on Saturday," I said. Everyone nodded. Jörg grunted. "Did everyone chill out as instructed yesterday after the video review meeting? Forget about Fußball and Kaiserslautern for a few hours?"

Everyone nodded again. I took a sip of my espresso. I shook my head like I was clearing cobwebs.

"Lets just treat Saturday like an anomaly," I said. "The good news is our next Bundesliga match is in two weeks. Additionally, Ajax visit this Saturday. Our regulars who aren't on international duty can regain their focus and our secondary players can get some minutes. The bad news is everyone has to stew over Saturday's loss for two weeks. Um ... who all is on international duty?"

"Billy, Shakur, Josua, Matej, Avdo," Technical Director Thomas Hengen said.

"Got an update, Agnieszka?" I asked.

"Just a lot of bruised egos," she quipped.

"All right, lets plan out training sessions for the week that get us playing defense again," I said.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 10 October 2023

Here's how bad we were: only two Freiburg players made team of the week. To be fair, Bayern beat Borussian Monchengladbach 3-0 and
Bayer Leverkusen upset Borussia Dortmund 3-1 in Dortmund.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 14 October 2023

The Dutch giants Ajax rolled into town for a friendly. They have shockingly few of their Starting XI away on international duty, apparently. So it was a good test of where we're at. Plus, a bunch of kids and second stringers got some playing minutes.

With Shakur Omar away on international duty with Sweden, I hoped Ken Aboh would step up. That'd be a no, sadly.

Our shooting was woeful though we did put the ball in the back of the net three times. Alas, only one counted.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 18 October 2023

4:54pm

"Ciao, Enrico."

"Enrico, its Dean Smith from Norwich City calling."

"Hi, Dean. How are you?"

"Good. I'm calling to check in on Ken Aboh."

"Well, he's working hard in training. He's showing me the right attitude."

"That's good, but he's not playing. And when you do play him you haven't been playing him as a Target Man like we agreed upon."

"Sadly, he hasn't shown me much as a sub or in friendlies. His hard work in training just isn't translating into the matches. So I can't justify playing him all that much. He did start as the Target Man in his last match but didn't do much of anything."

"Hmm ... that is unfortunate. If he's not impressing, not playing much, I'm inclined to recall him in the January transfer window."

"Yeah, I'm fine with that. I'm bummed it hasn't worked out. He's a big, strong kid with a good attitude. I hope there are no hard feelings about how this worked out."

"No, none on my end. That's why we send them out, right?"

"Yeah, for sure."

"Good to talk to you, Enrico. Cheers."

"Ciao."

Click.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 20 October 2023

1pm

"Alright, lets get started," Technical Director Thomas Hengen said.

"You got slaughtered last out against Freiburg, you've had two weeks now, please comment," Dennis Friedel of Sportbuzzer said.

"Yeah, that hurt. On the one hand, it was two weeks ago and the wounds aren't as fresh. On the other hand, that really hurt our pride. But this is a battle-hardened squad and we realize that there are going to be ups and downs in our first season back in the Bundesliga. Its a long season. We've had some good training sessions so I'm hoping for a rebound tomorrow against Köln."

"Enrico, will Billy Arce be back in the squad after international duty?" Jakob Böttcher of Kaiserslatuern Express asked.

"Ja, he safely made it back from Ecuador," I replied. "Its odd to feel like I need to emphasize that. Ja, he'll be in the squad."

"What did you get out of your friendly against Ajax?" Niklas Boll from Kicker asked.

"Several players who don't play regularly got some minutes, some of our young players got minutes."

"Harry Chapman has had a disappointing start to his Kaiserslautern career, would you comment?" Florian Carre from OneFootball.

"I have faith in Harry," I said. "He's learning German, he's got a house now. He's getting settled. I'm confident he'll be fine. He's a good player."

"But his performances haven't been very good and he's never really lived up to this potential," Florian followed up. "Comment on why you think he'll develop into the player he's supposed to be here?"

"Kaiserslautern have been in dire financial straits for years," I replied. "We can't go and buy proven players. We scouted Harry. He's quick, technical, nimble, and has a good eye for goal. I think that between Ulf Kirsten and the rest of our coaching staff, he'll come good. I have a team full of players who have been overlooked or failed out of the bigger clubs. Its just motivation for us."

"I've heard rumors you are pursuing Greuther Fürth's Nils Seufert," Jakob said.

"Oh, you have?"

"Ja."

"That's nice. Who was that again?"

"Ha, very funny, Enrico," Jakob said.

"How do you think Josua Mejias has begun his Kaiserslautern career?" Dennis asked.

"Great! I just love it when a player turns out to be better than the scouting reports indicate. Clearly, he's been solid despite learning to speak German and all the problems that brings, living out of a hotel, and moving his family into a house."