Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

The Fritz-Walter is pretty much empty. I guess the supporters are protesting because of last week's result or something.

There are a few thousand Köln supporters in the away end surrounded by a police cordon. I'm not sure why since the stadium is empty. Whatever.

We get off to a terrible start. They're passing the ball around nonchalantly, we're running around like disorganized imbeciles.

An iPad appears in front of my face. Usually, Jörg says something before he does this but apparently not today.

"You better look at this," my father says. "You'd better sort the defense out."

Its a video of the Keystone Kops. I loved these old time movies when I was small but my Dad is dead and has been for years. Why is he here in Germany?

I look over. He's just as I remember him except anachronistically holding an iPad.

I look down. I'm not wearing pants.

Oh, s***! Its a dream.

I jolt awake. I've kicked off the covers and I'm laying in a pool of sweat.

I look at my phone. 3:08am. F***.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

I'm really quite nervous today. That dream really rankled me. Since Billy Arce has been in poor form (he also played poorly for Ecuador), Harry Chapman starts as the winger. Matej Mach is also in the Starting XI because Amilcar Silva has been poor lately.

Just like in my dream Köln start off the game passing the ball around nonchalantly. However, we aren't running around like imbeciles.

Unfortunately, I look on aghast as their keeper hoofs a long ball forward and Jean Zimmer and Boris Tomiak are undone inside one minute. F***ing Keystone Kops s***!

0-1

I look down just to be sure. My hands are still in my pants pockets and I'm still wearing pants.

Why is it that just about every other game we cannot defend against a long ball straight up the middle from an opposing player? I guess we'll add an extra session on Aerial Defending.

We start pushing for the equalizer. In the 15th minute, Shakur Omar heads wide when it would have been easier to score. How the f*** did he miss that?

Not long after, Rene Klingenburg plays in Muhammed Kiprit and he slips his shot underneath the keeper!

1-1

The ref puts his finger to his ear but only chats with the VAR official for 15 seconds before confirming the goal.

This is a relief on several levels. My star striker has finally scored again. We're level. We're making the Köln defense look bad.

"KLINGY! KLINGY!" I scream in the 20th minute. Rene Klingenburg looks over. "MARK ADLI! MARK ADLI!" He nods. The Köln left-sided central midfielder Yacine Adli was really bossing the midfield. I wanted him shut down.

A minute later and Adli wins a free kick at the top of our box and forces Avdo Spahic into a finger tip save to direct the free kick around the post.

If Köln weren't beating my fullbacks down the flanks, Adli was sliding passes into the channels for their forwards. We were pinned back in our end for the remainder of the half.

The second half continued much as the first ended. Adli kept tormenting us despite Klingy's best efforts to mark him.

We were starting to get beaten down by Köln's relentless pressure.

In the 60th, their left midfielder and goalscorer Lucas Nmecha launched a 40m diagonal pass in behind Metaj Mach. It caught Mach unawares but he's fast and raced after the Köln right winger.

And took him down from behind. He'd already been carded. Additionally, this was a last man foul anyways.

And he was off!

I took off Ritter who'd been ineffective and put on Amilcar Silva to play left back. Klingy and Niehues would have to play in the center of midfield in a 4-2-3 formation.

Then f***ing Adli just had to unleash a f***ing golazo free kick that bent about f***ing 10m to beat Spahic in the top f***ing corner.

F***!

1-2

All praise to my players, they didn't quit. We managed to win a corner from the restart. Billy jogged over to take it since Ritter was off. Tomiak and Josua Mejias jogged forward. Billy whipped in a near post special ...

Mejias broke free from the clutches of the Köln defender and leveled the score with a powerful header!!!

2-2

I was swept away by a tsunami of players, coaches and staff! Nearly instantaneous response.

Now we just needed to hold out for a half hour.

In the 70th minute, I replaced Shakur Omar with Oliver Batista-Meier. Oliver would play as a left winger and help Silva out defensively.

75 minutes rolled by.

80 minutes rolled by.

85 minutes rolled by.

At 90 minutes, the fourth official signaled there would be 5 minutes of extra time.

In the 91st minute, Spahic couldn't hold onto a shot and it trickles out for a corner. We cleared the corner.

In the 93rd minute they break down our left flank. Their left midfielder cuts it back and our tormenter Adli unleashes a shot.

It hits Nmecha and bounces into the net. Spahic was diving the other way.

The players appeal for offsides, but Nmecha clearly wasn't.

2-3

F***.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 21 October 2023

9pm-ish

"You're pushing your food around the plate, my Italian-American bundle of joy," Gwen said.

"Yeah, sorry."

"Enrico, you said so yourself at your post match interview," Gwen continued. "That's football."

"Um, yeah."

"Well, you're a terrible date tonight. Monosyllabic bulls*** will only get you so far."

I sighed.

"C'mon, love. You've gotten plenty of those last gasp goals and then you're giddy like a schoolgirl high on sugar."

"I'm sorry, I do need to snap out of it," I said.

"How is the food?" the waiter asked in German.

"Sorry, Fußball has ruined my appetite," I replied in German. "You're food is always great."

"Ja, sorry about that one, Enrico," he said. "That was terrible luck." And walked off.

"F*** football, lets talk about Matthew," I said.

"Well, he had a good week," Gwen said. "It seems like he lashed out. What do you think?"

"Yeah, I'm not sure he's been bullied," I said. "Like when Inga listed all the signs he's been bullied, we don't see them. I think he just kicked that boy's @$$ when he showed him your picture and called you a name."

"Mmm hmm," Gwen mused.

"Its different with boys," I said. "A pop in the nose will straighten things out."

"That's true," Gwen said. "Take me brothers as an example. They'd be at it for hours or days. Then they'd fight and after they'd cooled off, it'd all be good again."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 23 October 2023

8am

"Ja, lets just f***ing move on from Saturday," I said as I sat down with my espresso.

Jörg grunted. Ulf shrugged. Everyone else just looked at me.

"Olaf, tell us about our next opponents," I said.

"Ja, sure," Chief Scout Olaf Marschall said. "Union Berlin are bottom of the table. They finished 11th last campaign, but have only managed three draws this season so far. They've scored two and given up twelve so far. Their three draws have come at home. They play a four-four-two. They really should be doing better. They've got quick outside midfielders and fullbacks. Their forwards are fast and, at least on paper, should be dangerous. Their problem is that they are bereft of confidence. Their play so far this season just screams we're going down.

"That sounds like the perfect remedy for our two game losing streak," I said.

"F***," Jörg swore in a moment of realization. "I f***ing know what it is that's eating at us." Everybody looked at him. "We have never lost two in a row. We've only lost two each of the last two seasons. Well, welcome to the Bundesliga, my princesses."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

After two losses, I decided that Julian Krahl deserved his chance to impress. So Avdo Spahic is on the bench. Amilcar Silva replaces the suspended Matej Mach. Oliver Batista-Meier replaces Marlon Ritter. Marlon has not raised his game to Bundesliga-levels so I'm trying to light another fire under his @$$ by benching him.

We started well. We passed and moved well. Our goal came relatively early. In the 16th minute, Jean Zimmer took a throw in the Union end. Rene Klingenburg gave it right back to him and Jean hoofed a long back post cross.

Shakur Omar leapt higher and smashed the header in!

0-1

The rest of the half was a midfield slog. The only highlight was Muhammed Kiprit headed high from a Silva cross in the 33rd.

The second half began as the first ended. Boring.

Just don't forget that I like boring when I'm on the road and leading.

I sent Harry Chapman on in the 60th minute. Billy was having another poor performance.

In the 65th, Klingenberg brought down a Union player about 40m out. We cleared the long ball into the box and Omar got to the loose ball first. He raced upfield, nimbly evading a sliding tackle.

It was now 2v2. As Omar raced forward, Harry made an outside-in run between the two Union defenders.

Omar slid a perfect pass into his path and he raced goalwards. He slid a pass around the keeper for his first Kaiserslautern goal!

Wait. No he didn't. The assistant had her flag up and the ref was jogging over with a finger to his ear. Jörg held up his iPad for me to see the replay.

Nope, Harry hadn't scored his first.

Their keeper played the ball upfield from the offsides free kick to their left fullback. He zipped a pass upfield to a central midfielder. Klingenburg wasn't tight to him so he had time to turn and survey the situation. He chipped a pass over the head of Josua Mejias for their forward to chase. He got to it before Krahl could, rounded our keeper and slid the ball into the open net.

1-1

Well, d*mn.

They started pressing, trying to find the winning goal. We repelled each cross or intercepted each penetrating pass.

I sent on Marlon Ritter for Muhammed Kiprit. Ritter slotted in next to his buddy Klingy, and Oliver moved to left wing. Maybe Oliver and Ritter would create some magic down the left wing.

Ritter curled a pass into the channel for Harry to chase but the angle got too tight. Harry shot right at the keeper.

In the 75th minute, I told Zimmer and Boris Tomiak to keep a higher back line. I wanted less space in midfield. I didn't want the Union players to have any time to pick out passes.

In the 78th, we almost scored on a series of shots from Omar, Ritter, and Chapman. All so close, as if that matters.

In the 81st, Harry got chopped down about 25m from the endline, near the sidelines. Ritter snagged the ball and Tomiak and Mejias jogged forward. Ritter curled in a back post free kick and Oliver Batista-Meier outmuscled his defender and headed home!

1-2

The Union players surrounded the ref pleading for offside, but Jörg showed me the replay.

Our pressing paid off in the 86th minute. A Union central defender had the ball at midfield but no options. As he spun to pass back to his keeper, Omar nipped in and stole it off him. He raced goalward.

And blazed high!

Omar had another opportunity in the 93rd minute after some tricky passing down the left by Silva, Ritter, and Oliver. Unfortunately, their keeper blocked the shot out for a corner.

Ritter took forever to get the ball, jog over to the corner, place the ball and make vague hand signals to his teammates. They repelled the corner, but Harry was first to the clearance and lobbed it back in.

Tomiak smashed home a header for our third.

1-3

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 29 October 2023

Today was a lovely day. It was unseasonably warm so we took the kids to a park and met up with some of Matthew's friends. Allison demanded Daddy time and kept me quite busy with all kinds of games that she made up on the fly. After a nice lunch we were still back in time for naps. Including mine. I fell asleep to Köln v Bochum and apparently didn't miss much.

We ordered in pizza and ate while we all watched the Freiburg v Gladbach match. Watching is relative. Allison told Gwen and I stories, Matthew watched some of the match or was off playing with his action figures, and Gwen read a book snuggled up against me on the couch.

And I reflected on the season so far. Ten rounds so far, we're in third on goal difference. I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself and with my tenure at Kaiserslautern so far.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 30 October 2023

The only thing of note from our coaches meeting is we reviewed the upcoming matches for November and December. November is tough and December should be (knock on wood) easier.

Dortmund and Leipzig are tough matches even if they are at home and visiting my old club Eintracht Frankfurt should be difficult on a number of levels.

Nürnberg (14th), Stuttgart (12th) and Bayer Leverkusen (16th) are having rough campaigns. Wolfsburg are disappointing in ninth. Stuttgart were in the relegation trouble until three straight wins vaulted them to safety.

After lunch, Agnieszka had bad news about Josua Mejias. He's out 5-7 days with a strained groin. He'll miss Wolfsburg and Dortmund.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

We drove up north to Wolfsburg to play the Second Round in the DFB Pokal. Cool, wet conditions should be optimal. Lots of changes today. We switch from our asymmetric 4-1-2-3 to a 4-5-1 with wingers.

Julian Krahl remains in between the posts. Matej Mach replaces Amilcar Silva at left back, Oliver Hüsing replaces Josua Mejias, Molla Wague replaces Julian Niehues, and Oliver Batista-Meier switches to left wing, Billy Arce at right wing, Omar Shakur up top with Muhammed Kiprit on the bench.

We traded chances in the early going until the match was turned on its head in the 20th minute. Wolfsburg midfielder Max Arnold lost his mind and took both of Rene Klingenburg's legs out. Klingy was in our half facing our goal.

They switched to a 4-3-2 and narrow. We started working the flanks to create opportunities.

We were creating chances but nothing panned out.

As the fourth official raised his board to signal 2 minutes of extra time in the first half, Wolfsburg broke down our left flank.

Ja, Boris Tomiak and Donyell Malen were battling each other for position. Ja, there was contact as the cross came in. Was it a penatly? Well, the ref called it.

Arthur Cabral converted it.

0-1

I gave a rousing motivational speech at halftime, but I should have yelled at them to be sure to finish their f***ing chances.

We blazed away. 23 shots, 11 on target. xG of 2.07. Their keeper Koen Casteels was up to the task until we mentally fell apart. We simply couldn't keep the ball or manage much of anything over the final ten minutes.

For the first time in my Kaiserslautern tenure, we were booed off the pitch. Deservedly so.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

"That was a first, wasn't it Enrico? First time that Die Roten Teufel booed you?"

"Deserved," I replied.

"Would you elaborate?"

I just shrugged.

"So you are quite disappointed to be out of the DFB Pokal?"

"Ja, we really had everything in our favor today. We just couldn't grasp the victory that was there for us to take."

"Was that a penalty?"

"Look, defending when a man up can be tricky. As a player you have to know that your opponent is only going to create a few scoring chances when they are reduced to ten men. You know that sometimes the ref is going to be watching your defending very closely. So you have to defend very carefully. There were a lot of factors that played into the call. First, we let their fullback run 50m with the ball without being challenged. So we were outnumbered on our flank defensively. Second, Silva never closed down their fullback. Maybe he didn't feel had had the defensive support. This means that, three, we weren't talking out there. Communication is crucial when defending. Finally, Tomiak's positioning wasn't the best. So penalty or no penalty, we let ourselves get into that situation."

"Can you take anything from this match?"

"I really like my new tie?"

"Really? That's all?"

"No, but when you create a lot of chances but don't score, how happy can you be that you created a lot of chances?"

"That's something isn't it?"

"Maybe," I replied.

"Koen Casteels had a great game, didn't he?"

"Ja, he made some brilliant saves. However, we just didn't do enough with the rest of our chances."

"You made a lot of changes for today. Kiprit on the bench. Wingers. Hüsing partnering Tomiak. Wague replaced Niehues. How do you feel about your experiment."

"If we'd capitalized on our opportunity, you'd be asking me to break my own arm patting myself on the back. Look, I wanted to get some creativity on the pitch. I have to rotate as we have three matches this week. Also, Muhammed Kiprit isn't scoring. Its his first cold streak so I put him on the bench. I wanted him to be an impact sub. Replay this match five more time starting at 20 minutes with the Arnold red card and we win all five. That's Fußball."

"Thanks, Enrico."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Welcome to another edition of the Rötliche und Teuflish podcast. Like and subscribe, please. I'm your host Werner. Today Jakob and I will be discussing our loss in the DFB Pokal to Wolfsburg. Jakob.

Jakob: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Werner: What? Its too early for Shakespeare.

Jakob: You've got a point.

Werner: Let's just man up and get this over with. That sucked.

J: Ja, it was really disheartening to lose like that. Giving away a penalty when you're a man up is really bad. Really bad.

W: Really bad.

J: Twenty minutes in and we're up a man. I thought for sure we'd get a couple past them.

W: When did you realize it was going to turn into a nightmare.

J: I always held out hope, but by the 75th minute when we could no longer string any passes together, that's when I saw fathers leaving with their kids. It was a school night after all.

W: And the booing?

J: Ja, it was a terrible display. Pucci acknowledged it was deserved.

W: Man did he look angry. You know how you try to steal a cookie and your Mom yells at you? You know how your parents are speechless if you steal their car and crash it when you're drunk?

J: Uh, no. I have no idea.

W: Well, Pucci looked like his kid stole the car and drunk crashed it angry. He was just standing their on the sidelines. Hands in his pockets. Motionless.

J: Oh, now I know where you're going. I thought you were just going to tell everyone about your misspent childhood. Ja, Pucci normally kicks every ball and all that. Ja, he just stood there.

W: Omar had chances. So did Oliver and Harry. Even Ritter and Klingenburg had chances.

J: Ja, 23 shots taken. 11 on goal. Now, Wolfsburg keeper Casteel got Man of the Match.

W: He made one real save. The rest were soft and right at him. Our shooting was s***.

J: Lets review each player. Tomiak had a bad night, gave away the penalty. Hüsing missed loads of headers and, knowing Pucci, won't feature again. Matej Mach wasn't too bad. Zimmer was ****. Molla Wague didn't do enough but didn't embarrass himself like Hüsing did.

W: Actually, Ritter and Omar were decent.

J: Ja, I suppose. But we needed inspiration and nobody provided any.

W: You know who wasn't bad? Julian Krahl in goal. I suppose Spahic will be back on Saturday for Dortmund.

J: Ja, Spahic will be back for Dortmund.

W: The two wingers didn't work.

J: Sadly, no. Oliver and Chapman did not cover themselves in glory. In all honesty, they've both shown some promise. Maybe more from Oliver with his goal and assist so far this season.

W: Two goals for Oliver.

J: Right, sorry. Two for Oliver Batista-Meier.

W: Anyways, Dortmund visit on Saturday.

J: Ja, no time to eat chocolate and feel sorry for ourselves. The squad has to get up for the juggernaut of Dortmund.

W: So Kiprit, Niehues and Arce back in the starting eleven?

J: Ja. For sure. The usual line-up. I expect to see us fight much harder on Saturday after today's loss.

W: Let's hope so. Lets get to questions.

J: Did my Mom write in?

W: She did. I have it right here. klaus111maus on Twitter asks when Kiprit will start scoring again.

J: Well, Mom ... I mean ... Klaus ... I hope soon. He scored so regularly for us but he's been in poor form. Pucci has been benching him which most coaches do to send a message. I'm getting nervous that he can deliver at the Bundesliga level.

W: Thankfully, Omar is banging them in.

J: Ja, for sure. Okay, my turn. hanswickel14 on twitter asks if we think we'll bring someone in during the January transfer window.

W: Ooh, good question. I think we'll be looking for a speedy winger.

J: Ja, everyone wants a fast player on the wings. The question is can we afford one. I understand that the transfer budget has been increased but that's it. I guess we'll see. We could use a back-up right back. There is a possibility that someone buys Kiprit. He's on the market after all. If we sell him, we'll be buying another forward.

W: Well, that's it. Dortmund is Saturday. Anything else?

J: No, I'm going to go away now.

W: Okay then.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Yet another big test of where we are at today. Der BVB are usually the only club that can challenge FC Hollywood. They slipped to 7th last season but are off to a decent enough start to this campaign.

Molla Wague partners Boris Tomiak as Josua Mejias is hurt. Otherwise, its the usual suspects starting.

It was a cagey match. We were careful not to get caught out and the middle of park was a rush hour traffic jam. This suited me just fine as my main goal was to not lose.

As the fourth official raised his board to signal two minutes of added time, Amilcar Silva passed up the left to Omar Shakur. Omar had nowhere to go so he played a pass all the way back to Wagué. Molla surveyed his options, realized he didn't really have any, and hoofed it forward in the direction of Omar who'd jogged upfield.

Omar won the header and flicked the ball forward into the path of the onrushing Muhamed Kiprit. Muhammed finally delivered!

1-0

That sure made my halftime talk easier.

Dortmund tried to take the game to us in the second half, but we worked hard to maintain the traffic jam through the middle. When Der BVB tried to play down the flanks we did just enough to thwart them. Either blocked their crosses or Tomiak and Wagué repelled their crosses.

The bottom line is that Avdo Spahic didn't really need to make any difficult saves.

I sent on Matej Mach at 66 minutes as Jean Zimmer just took a stupid yellow card. Marlon Ritter started to tire so I sent on Oliver Batista-Meier in the 75th. Harry Chapman got a few minutes at the end, replacing Billy Arce.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

"Um ... hello," I said as I walked into the press room inside the Fritz-Walter. "I haven't seen this many reporters at any of my press conferences since I was at Lazio. Can we start with introductions, please?"

All the reporters I didn't know introduced themselves.

"Shall we?" I said.

"You shut down Dortmund," Johann Svennson of Europort said. "Please talk about your game plan."

"We wanted to pack the midfield and make it impossible for them to be creative. We figured we'd get a few chances. We talked about how we needed to take our chances as we weren't going to have many. Muhammed Kiprit showed his class today. He's scored every other match for us consistently so I'm really happy he broke out of his goal drought."

"Do you think his display will generate any offers, Enrico?" Dennis Friedel asked.

"I don't know. The transfer market in this post-pandemic world is still bonkers. Ja, Bayern and Manchester City and PSG are still spending at pre-pandemic levels but a lot of clubs aren't. So, ja, I have no idea what might happen with that."

"Are you going to pull another 1997/98 miracle?" Niek de Lange of Voetbalzone asked.

"While I'm flattered that you would compare me to Otto Rehhagel, I am no Otto Rehhagel. I was a senior in High School in Washington, DC that season. I starred for my High School team that season. Um ... but thanks."

"Isn't a miracle nonetheless?" Corey Washington of The Athletic asked in English. "You've dragged this club out of the third league and, when all of the experts on German football have stated you should be fighting relegation, here you are second in the league."

"Yes, the dark days are behind this club," I replied in English. "We are enjoying the sunlight here at the summit. The stadium is full, the financial crisis is behind us. My squad is full of players who've never gotten a chance and are determined to prove they belong in this division. This level of determination and desperation make us difficult to play against. I've got a world class staff and we've all worked extremely hard to get where we are."

"Follow up," Corey said. In English again. "How far can you go?"

"When I first got here the imperative was to get us out of 3.Liga. Next was to stabilize our finances. We did that while we won 2.Liga. Now our finances keep getting better while we establish that we deserve to be in the Bundesliga. I am exploring strengthening the squad in the January transfer window. In the spring we will begin planning for next season based on projections of where we will finish this campaign."

"So you'll spend some money this January?" Jakob Böttcher asked.

"Ja, Jakob. We will buy a player or two."

"Die Roten Teufel really seem to love that you're bringing through youngsters from your academy," Chris Ginty of SPORTbible. "Is that by necessity that you've been unable to spend much of anything?"

"I would like to bring one player from the youth side into the main team each season even if I had Bayern's budget. Julian Niehues was by necessity as there wasn't really anyone at the club to play defensive midfielder. He's made himself a core player in this squad. Ilhan Yavuz and Alfred Alten have shown me in training and in their limited minutes that they deserve to be a part of the main squad. I'd be a fool to neglect the future of this club. My captain Jean Zimmer and midfield duo of Rene Klingenburg and Marlon Ritter are all 29 years old. Now is a perfect time for them to mentor younger players and prepare the next generation of Kaiserslautern heroes. As we become known as a club that gives youth players a chance, it will only strengthen our academy."

"Returning to the match," Marie Schröder of the Dortmund Fußball Zeit said. "You've stifled my club, drew with Bayern in München, beat Gladbach and Hoffenheim. Your keeper Avdo Spahic had little to today. Please explain your defensive philosophy and how you've managed to do this?"

"We work hard to make sure there always several layers of defenders to beat. Its rare that we have one-on-one duels. On the rare occasions we do, my players are showing their class, showing they deserve to be in this division. Our opponents are going to have to beat us with Golazos from 40 meters or a absolutely perfect passing play or plain dumb luck. Basically, you are going to have to be at the top of your game to break us down."

"Aren't your margin for error very tight?" Marie followed up. "Take the Freiburg match. A few lapses in concentration and you were down 3-1 and eventually lost 5-1. Can you keep this up, realistically?"

"Ja, we can. These players have a chip on their shoulder, so to speak. They either never got their chance to prove themselves or washed out of the big clubs. They are desperate and determined to succeed. Furthermore, I have assembled a coaching staff of the highest pedigree. We coaches know what it takes to compete at this level. What player wouldn't want advice from Ulf Kirsten, for example?"

"What is different here than at Eintracht Frankfurt or Lazio?" Lilian Ferreira asked.

"Good question. After I was fired by Eintracht, I sat around for a year thinking. Ja, to answer the follow up you're going to ask, it drove my wife mental having me around that much. Actually, she packed me off with a friend of hers to hike in the Arctic Circle in Sweden. During that year and especially on that hike, I thought hard. I had everything at Lazio and pretty much everything at Eintracht yet I failed to deliver. I've come back from that year of sabbatical a different coach and a different person. The fire was rekindled and when my agent said Kaiserslautern wanted to talk to me, I thought that this was the perfect opportunity to do things differently and do things right."

"Ja, but you still kick every ball and spend half the match yelling at the ref and fourth official," Florian Carre said.

"Ja, I'm still a showman. That will never change. I'm in the entertainment business. Kaiserslautern are back in the Bundesliga and we are here to entertain you. Me included. I know my role."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 5 November 2023

12:46pm

There was a knock on my door. I looked up. Oliver Hüsing stood there.

"Hey, Oliver," I said. "Come in."

"Good afternoon, Enrico," he said looking rather uncomfortable. His body language indicated this was either a contract or playing time issue. Since he didn't have his agent, it likely wasn't about a new contract.

He sat.

"Um ...," he said.

I waited.

"Come on, Oliver, out with it," I said.

"I'm here to talk about my playing time," he said.

"Right," I replied.

"I'm not playing, it bothers me."

"Fair enough," I said. "But here's the problem. I played you in the Wolfsburg match. You misjudged a number of headers and the ball got over your head. Furthermore, you didn't track your striker the best and got yourself out of position on several occasions. Molla and Josua don't make those mistakes."

Oliver sighed and looked at the floor.

"Listen, I need you to be ready in case of injury or suspension," I said. "You're going to get some minutes. You're going to have to be patient and you are going to have to eliminate the mistakes from your game. I know you can do it. You were solid the second half of last season after Molla came back from the African Cup of Nations and was out of form."

"Ja," he said.

"You'll be ready, ja?" I asked.

"I'll be ready and I'll raise my game, Enrico. You know you can count on me."

"Ja, I do count on you, Oliver. You're a dependable guy. Anything else?"

"No, that's it. Thanks for listening."

"Ja, of course."

And he strode out.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 6 November 2023

8am

"You all hear the news?" I said as I took a sip of my espresso.

"What news in particular?" Ulf asked.

"Jesse Marsch got the sack by Leipzig," I said. "First sack in the Bundesliga this season."

"Ja, that's nothing," Lorenzo D'Anna interjected. "Five Serie A top coach have been sacked so far."

"Ligue 1 is the same," Jörg added. "Five sacked so far."

"None in the EPL," Olaf Marschall added. "Two in La Liga so far."

"I have some insider news for you all," Ulf said. "Gerardo Seaone at Bayer Leverkusen will be number two. He'll get sacked today or tomorrow. He's been given the vote of confidence by the board. He's toast."

"I'll keep my mobile charged," I said.

"Would you comment please on the rumors linking you with the open jobs, please?" Thomas Hengen said.

"Ja, you're f***ing funny," I said. "Olaf, tell us about my old club."

"Eintracht Frankfurt play a standard 4-2-3-1," Chief Scout Olaf Marschall said. "They sit 10th in the table and they've been badly beaten in their last two matches. Schalke beat them 3-0 in the Bundesliga and Gladbach beat them by the same margin in the DFB Pokal. Both of those were away matches. This is a prime opportunity to visit them as they have been playing poorly."

"What's interesting, is they've pretty much rolled over their entire squad," I said. "And the last two managers have gotten similar results as Jörg and I got."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

When I managed Lazio, we played Bologna away twice. But that was different and I'd gotten warm receptions from the Curva Sud. I'd played for the Rossoblu and got them promoted back into Serie A on the first try. I left because I was angry with the unpopular President. Eintracht Frankfurt was different. I hadn't done anything remarkable and deservedly gotten the sack. I wasn't unpopular with the supporters, but I don't think I'm fondly remembered.

I greeted a lot of staff on the way in. The janitors, groundskeepers, and a couple of the office staff still liked me at least. There were a smattering of boos when my name was announced. Whatever.

My strongest starting XI took the field.

Shakur Omar hit the crossbar from a corner in the 12th minute.

Jesper Lindstrom forced Avdo Spahic to save us with a finger tip save in the 24th.

Spahic made another brilliant save to deny Djibril Sow in the 30th.

They played in a far post corner. Their forward Lucas Höler grabbed both Julian Niehues and Muhammed Kiprit by the shirts then threw himself to the turf as the ball flew far above him.

His teammates swarmed the ref demanding a penalty.

"THAT'S A CON JOB!" I bellowed as I ran over to the fourth official. "He threw himself to the ground! The corner was played to the back post, he wasn't even anywhere near the ball!"

"PENALTY! PENALTY! PENALTY!" Pál Dárdai yelled simultaneously as he ran up.

"He should get a yellow for simulation," I said.

"Your players clearly fouled him," Dárdai countered.

"Hold on," the fourth official said, hand to earpiece. "Its getting reviewed."

After an eternity, the ref pointed to the spot. Dárdai celebrated.

"I demand an explanation," I said.

"Your players fouled Höler," the fourth official said.

"That is ridiculous! Höler was at the first post. The corner was played to the second. Additionally, he threw himself to the grass."

"The call went against you, Enrico. Go sit down."

"No!" I yelled but it didn't matter. Jörg grabbed me by the shoulders and dragged me back to the bench, swearing the entire way.

Spahic saved the penalty, but Jens Petter Hauge scored on the rebound.

1-0

F***!

In the 33rd minute, Muhammed Kiprit shot tamely right at the keeper. Given nine more opportunities like that and he'd have buried eight of them.

In the 38th, Rene Klingenburg won a corner. Josua Mejias and Boris Tomiak jogged forward. Everyone lined up.

Tomiak smashed home a first post corner!

1-1

Take that, Eintracht! Die Roten Teufel in the opposite end went berserk.

In the 42nd, goalscorer Hauge missed a wide open shot from the top of the box. With Spahic beaten, his shot skimmed the crossbar.

The second half began as the first ended. We compressed the midfield and Eintracht tried to play around and down the flanks. Just not very successfully.

In the 57th, Omar played in Billy Arce, but Billy blasted his shot high.

In the 61st, I replaced Amilcar Silva with Matej Mach.

In the 69th, I withdrew Kiprit and put on Oliver Batista-Meier. Oliver played left wing and Omar moved up top.

In the 78th, Billy whipped in a cross but Omar headed the ball tamely at their keeper.

Our breakthrough came in the 86th minute. A beautiful passing play straight up the middle left the Eintracht defense chasing shadows and Omar capped it off with a lovely shot past their keeper.

1-2

Now we just needed to protect our lead.

But we gave up the equalizer in the first minute of extra time. Captain Jean Zimmer marked their tall defender Ola Ainas (tall at least compared to Zimmer) on a corner. Ainas barely jumped to head home their equalizer.

2-2

Then it got ridiculous. No, that's too mild. Maybe ludicrous is a better word. The Eintracht players screamed for a hand ball on a corner. The ref listened to them then began consulting with the VAR official. Jörg showed me the replays. Mach didn't raise an arm. The ref carded Matej Mach for the infraction.

"F*** that s***," Jörg said in my ear as he grabbed my shoulder to prevent me from running over to the fourth official and start moaning. "Not f***ing worth it."

I walked over to the bench, shaking my head.

They converted the PK.

3-2

I walked straight up the tunnel when the @$$ Klown ref blew the final whistle.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

"Enrico, you can't be happy giving up two late goals like that."

"No, I'm not."

I just stared at the reporters.

"Would you comment on the two penalties awarded against Kaiserslautern?"

"Listen, the refs have a tough job. More often than not they get it right. But everyone has a bad performance now and again. Soren Stork had a stinker today."

"So you don't think those were penalties?"

"We've all seen the replays. On the first one the player threw himself to the ground away from the ball. I still don't understand how its a penalty. We are supposed to use VAR for a reason and that reason is to eliminate these baffling, nonsensical calls. Then they say Matej Mach handled the ball. He didn't even have his arms up. If your arm is at your side and the ball strikes it, that isn't a penalty. We've all seen the replay. I didn't even bother to ask for an explanation. I wonder what it is and if it would make any sense."

"How was your reception back at your old club?"

"It was fine. It was great to see a bunch of the staff I worked so closely with for two years. I got fired because I didn't deliver results. I have no hard feelings and I wish Eintracht the best."

"In your opinion what was so bad about Soren Stork's performance today?"

"Consistency. A referee cannot ignore some fouls outside the penalty box ... in other words ... be lax and forgiving outside of the penalty box but call things very tight against only us inside the penalty box. We also need need consistent refereeing from match to match. Today was far too arbitrary. If a players arm is at his side and the ball strikes the arm not the other way around, that isn't supposed to be a foul. Even if the opposing players beg, plead and badger the ref."

"Do you think the Eintracht players influenced the ref?"

"Clearly."

"Please elaborate?"

"The ref only made the call after the Eintracht players urged him to make the call. But he didn't make the decision, he just asked the VAR official to review it. Additionally, we've all seen the replays and I fail to understand how either call was a penalty."

"Enrico, would you please comment on ..."

"I'd better go," I interjected. "Before I get myself suspended by the DFB."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 11 November 2023

12:11pm

Knuckles rapped on my office door. I looked up.

"Hey, Enrico," Molla Wagué said.

"Come on in, Molla," I said. "What's on your mind?"

"Look, I haven't been playing as often as I was promised," he said.

"That's true," I agreed. "But Josua Mejias won the spot next to Boris and the results speak for themselves. Both you and Oliver will get your chances. There will be suspensions and injuries. I urge you to be patient."

"I want to go out on loan," he said. "I want to play."

"I need you as a backup," I said. "Between central defense and defensive midfielder, you're going to get some chances. When you get your chances I urge you to impress me."

"Enrico, I'll be honest. I'm not a young kid anymore. I want to play. I want to go somewhere where I'll play."

"All right," I said. "I'll see what I can do in the January transfer window."

"Thanks, Enrico."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 12 November 2023

10:59am

Something was wrong. I could just tell. I looked away from the drill that Ulf Kirsten and I were running with our forwards. Jörg and Lorenzos and all the defenders were all huddled.

I jogged over.

They were all huddled around Boris Tomiak.

No. F***.

"What happened?" I asked as I pulled up.

"S***," Boris swore.

"Landed wrong," Jörg explained.

"Knee," added Lorenzo.

"F***," I added.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 13 November 2023

8am

"It looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue," I said as I sat down.

"What the f***?" Jörg said.

Everyone looked at me confused as I sipped my espresso.

"Gött in Himmel," I exclaimed. "Have none of you seen the American movie Airplane?"

"Ja, in the 1990s," Agnieszka said. "Once. Barely remember it."

"All I'm trying to say is its going to be rough without Boris," I said. "And you all should watch all the American movies from the 1990s and 2000s so you can start getting my jokes."

"All of them?" Ulf asked.

"Ja," I replied. "Alright. Who replaces Boris? Molla or Oliver?"

Most murmured Molla except for Lorenzo D'Anna who said Oliver.

"Alright, Lorenzo, why Oliver?" I asked.

"I think he's going to step up and stop making any mistakes," he replied.

"I have less confidence," Jörg added.

"We know Molla will keep it simple and he's quicker than Oliver," coach Filip Trojan said.

"Molla reads the game better," Jörg said.

"Alright, Molla it is," I said. "Now tell us about Leipzig, Olaf?"

"They currently sit in 8th," Chief Scout Olaf Marschall began. "They beat Schalke 1-0 on a soft, early penalty call. Schalke chased the game so the play was mostly in the Leipzig end. Leipzig looked quite dangerous on the counter but were unable to get a second. They play a narrow 4-4-2 diamond. We should have plenty of space on the flanks to exploit. There is a chance that they'll counter our strong wing play by playing a standard 4231 with wingers who will drop back and help out their fullbacks."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 15 November 2023

2pm

"Hey, Jean," I said as I shook my Captain's hand.

I silently shook his agent's hand. Steven Garling was also Muhammed Kiprit's agent and had really f***ed with me when I had no wiggle room and Muhammed had demanded a new contract.

They both sat down across the desk from me.

"We want 18 a week and bonuses for qualifying for the Champion's League and Team of the Year," Garling said. "Two year deal."

I turned from looking blankly at Garling to Zimmer and smiled at Jean.

"I have no problem with a two year deal or those bonuses," I said. "I'll offer 15 per week and 50k for 5 assists, 100k for 10 assists and 150k for 15 assists. How does that sound, Jean?" Jean nodded that he liked that. "Also, 7k per goal or assist." Jean nodded again. "Has the cat got your tongue, Jean? Not going to say anything?"

"No, just not much to say," Jean replied, smirking. "I'm not here to drive a hard bargain, that's all."

"Great," I said. I adjusted my numbers on my iPad then printed out my offer. I slid it across the table.

They looked it over for a minute and I submitted it to the DFB. We shook hands but I still didn't smile at Garling.