Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

Werner: Its Sunday, Kaiserslautern played yesterday and lost so I guess welcome to another edition of the Rötliche and Teuflisch podcast. Like and subscribe, please. Ja, so here we are. I'm joined as always by Jakob. My good friend Jakob. Hello, Jakob.

Jakob: Hallo.

Werner: Well ...

Jakob: Ja ... um ...

W: Uh ... we lost again.

J: Ja. Not a great performance.

W: Ja. Depressing if you ask me.

J: Where was that drive and fire? That desperation we saw early in the season?

W: Gone. Gone south with the migratory birds maybe. I don't know.

J: That's an idea. Maybe I should fly south to Tunisia and see if I can find Kaiserslautern's attack.

W: Mmm. Maybe you're on to something. Look, we took a lot of shots yesterday.

J: 24 to be exact. 9 on target. Many were not tough saves.

W: A few were.

J: Ja, Ritter's early in the second half.

W: What is there really to talk about? Our offense has flown south. One of us will have to go south during the winter break and see if we can find it. So enough about our sad, inefficient offense.

J: Fine. We are done talking about that. I suppose we must talk about the defense now.

W: Unfortunately.

J: Ja, definitely. We got more shots on target than they took.

W: I thought we weren't going to talk about the offense anymore.

J: I'm only bringing it up to illustrate the contrast to their offense.

W: Okay, I'll allow it.

J: Aren't you just the grumpy, sad man today.

W: Ja, and for good reason. We threw away an opportunity yesterday.

J: Right. So they only took 8 shots and got 4 on target. Only one in the first half ...

W: Great save by Krahl on that one.

J: Right. We kept them in check all first half. But our concentration slipped twice in the second half.

W: And, bam, two goals.

J: That throw in goal, the first one was just poor. Hüsing and Niehues were out-jumped by Inigo Cordoba. Cordoba is only 1.8m. Hüsing is 1.92m and Niehues is 1.95m. They let him flick the header goalward for Astor Villalibre to score.

W: Mejias is at fault, too. He let that ball get over his head.

J: Right. And another thing; Krahl has an annoying tendency to stay on his line when he should come out and claim high balls. Spahic would have come screaming off his line and he probably would have caught it or at least punched it.

W: All around poor defending. Also, left back Matej Mach was nowhere to be found. He should have been on the second post. Its his side.

J: Ja, he had wandered over towards the first post, past it actually. All around poor defending. Everyone just went to sleep.

W: Then they scored a second.

J: Its like we'd forgotten what we'd done against Stuttgart that worked so well in the first half.

W: Ja, I've watched the replay several times. Chapman, on for Arce, is all alone out on our right flank. He doesn't track their fullback and ... bam ... cross along the 5m box and Cordoba gets his goal.

J: First off, we'd just cleared the ball out. I'm re-watching it right now. We're jogging forward as a unit. Chapman is out wide right. Zimmer is in the middle. They play the ball across and then out to their left fullback. Chapman doesn't track the run. Hüsing and Mejias are nonchalantly jogging upfield. Mach isn't paying attention until too late. Cordoba just makes sure he's onside when the pass across is made. Easiest goals he'll score all season.

W: We've been doing that a lot lately.

J: I will say this: Tomiak might be back for next week when we visit Wolfsburg.

W: I hope so. Anyways, we got one back and really angered the Stuttgart supporters.

J: We certainly did. Their right fullback pulled his hamstring. We played on. We aren't required to put the ball out and the ref didn't blow the whistle. When Kiprit eventually scored, its from where the right fullback would have been defending.

W: Stuttgart fans and media have been up in arms over this. You'd think this was the winning goal for us or something. Bunch of sore winners if you ask me.

J: Also, you're grumpy because we lost.

W: Truth. Anyways, reliving that match is just depressing. Let's just move on to questions.

J: I've got one. zlatandomirs on Twitter asks if we'll get a better right back.

W: Ooh. Not a fan of Captain Jean Zimmer. Okay. Also, we don't have a right-footed back-up. Mach deputizes, but he's a natural left-footed player and hasn't looked all that great over there, either. That's a really good question, actually. Do we need at least a back-up? Or maybe someone to challenge Zimmer?

J: I think that Pucci and Hengen didn't have the money available to get a back-up right back. I don't know, I'm only guessing. Maybe without Boris in the middle, Zimmer's flaws are unmasked? More apparent? I would think that we will have some money in the January transfer window. I think that Pucci will want several upgrades. Klingenburg is not imposing himself. Apparently, we have an Englishman on trial and he's a midfielder so maybe Pucci is looking. Additionally, Kiprit is on the transfer list because of that contract dispute. Its worse because he's not scoring.

W: Although he did score yesterday.

J: Ja, but he's scored a mere 4 this season in 15 games. He's missing chances he used to bury and his form is in Africa sunning itself.

W: Oh, I just thought of something. Maybe its in Turkey visiting relatives.

J: Ja, that could be a possibility. But we should probably look in Africa first.

W: Right. Okay, I've got a question. Its from your Mom. She asks ... erm ... I mean ... joachim1fck on Instagram asks we've got 24 points right now but are we safe from relegation?

J: That is a good question because it brings up a lot of things. Its generally accepted that any team with 35 points stays up. Sometimes its as low as 32. But lets just say we're 10 points from safety. We do play Union Berlin, Mainz who are having a shockingly bad season, and Schalke again. So, its likely we are going to get 10 more points before the 34th round, in the next 19 rounds. The next point I'd like to make is newly promoted sides want to get as many points on the board as early as possible. I think we rode the wave of confidence from winning nearly every match the last two seasons as far as we could. We got to 23 points with the shock victory of Dortmund in early November. Now that the Bundesliga clubs are figuring us out, we are getting punished by them when we make mistakes ... what I mean to say is that ... we're in a pretty good place to regroup and get a few draws here and there and a few victories here and there and claw our way to mid-table safety. Also, we aren't going to be in a desperate situation next April unlike the clubs currently in the relegation zone. So, Joachim, I think we're safe.

W: Well that sounds positive so I want to end right there.

J: Sounds good to me.

W: So go away now.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

It was a crazy Saturday in the Bundesliga. Hertha Berlin put 7 past Bayer Leverkusen. Freiburg put six past Union Berlin. The craziest match was in München where FC Hollywood were up by 2 when Alphonso Davies was sent off. They still put 2 more past the hopeless Eintracht Frankfurt. Despite the poor run of form, we're still in 4th.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Köln spanks hapless Mainz to go second. Gladbach make Leipzig look inadequate and move up to fourth. We're pushed down to fifth.

I read the other characters parts so Gwen could practice her lines. She's really serious about it. She flies to London on Wednesday.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 13 December 2023

The kids and I got up early and got Gwen to the airport for her flight. It was a cool morning (8ºC/46ºF) and downright cold in London (2ºC/36ºF) so Gwen's disguise was easy. Here's the secret to traveling when you are a supermodel: over-sized shapeless clothing, hats and over-sized sunglasses. So Gwen had a huge, puffy down coat, work boots, a wool hat with pompom and the ubiquitous sunglasses.

Additionally, her instructions once in London were secret agent level. She was to dress in thick layers, wear a hat and sunglasses so as not to be recognized (she already does this), take a taxi to the studio and get dropped off around back at the loading dock. Security would be at the entrance to the alley to make sure she wasn't followed. She was reminded not to post about this on social media.

And I thought interviewing for a new manager position while still at your current job was secretive.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 14 December 2023

I'm standing in my underwear in the rain on the sideline of the Volkswagen Arena. I look down, I'm also wearing dress socks and my shoes. The rain is going to ruin my shoes.

The fans in the stadium think my situation is hilarious. They sing 'Where is your raincoat, Herr Pucci' and 'Naked in the Rain' sung to Singing in the Rain.

Its also a cold rain. I'm shivering.

Then the goals start to rain in. Wolfsburg score their third. Then their fourth. And Fifth.

I wake up. I've kicked off the covers and I'm freezing. Its 7:03am, I might as well get up and take a hot shower.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Julian Krahl, Oliver Hüsing continue to deputize at keeper and central defense respectively. I've been talking to Muhammed Kiprit about his performances so, hopefully, he pulls it together and starts delivering.

Unfortunately, Wolfsburg swamped us. They were just too determined, fast, and up for a match that we were not. Poor performances from all our core players.

Donyell Malen was unplayable. He opened the scoring and Jean Zimmer brought him down for the 27th minute penalty. Krahl save the PK, but Weghorst tapped in the rebound. Then Malen scored a third.

Muhammed Kiprit was through on goal twice. Each time he lobbed the keeper, but each time a Wolfsburg defender scrambled the ball off the line. No. F***ing. Luck.

Billy Arce scored a nice fast break goal 1:25 into first half extra time, but it was just lipstick on a dirty, stinking pig.

The defensive s***show continued in the second half though we did create a few more scoring chances.

The only difference between this morning's nightmare and today's match was I was fully dressed.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 16 December 2023

8:55am

"Alright," I said. "I've kept you all in here because its f***ing cold out this morning and I wanted to talk. These last five matches have been s***. Too many lapses in concentration, too much ball-watching, poor finishing and terrible luck. We don't have the same desperation and determination we had earlier in the season."

"We are finding out that the margin of victory is much finer here in the Bundesliga than in the lower divisions. I mean, we all know this intellectually." I tapped my temple. "The Bundesliga is faster and the players are way better. We know this. Many of the teams we play are full of international players. We are at that point I've talked about repeatedly; there is a wall in front of us that we are going to have to go through. There is no easy way out of poor form. Defensively, each of you needs to jump into the breach and block that shot or mark your man tighter. Offensively, we need to smash the wall down and score some goals."

"The bottom line is we have the quality in this squad to get ourselves out of our rut," I continued. "I just don't want to see your head's drop. We have 24 points and 32 to 35 will guarantee we stay up. That's 8 to 11 points. That's three wins in the next 19 matches. I think we can do that easily. But I want to see you all grasp this opportunity to prove yourselves and do better than just avoid relegation."

"Finally, I want to turn it over to Jörg for a final thought on this matter," I concluded.

"F*** THIS S***!" Jörg bellowed. "WE'RE F***ING BETTER THAN THIS!"

The players all roared their approval and we filed out of Die Kabine, through the hallways and out onto the training pitch next to the Fritz-Walter.

Nobody complained and nobody threw up but they ran punishment drills because we'd shipped five goals yesterday. Then we worked on defending for the rest of training.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 16 December 2023

The loss drops us down to 7th and now our goal difference sucks because of our two big 5-1 losses to Freiburg and Wolfsburg. Apparently, we're allergic to burgs?

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday 17 December 2023

Gwen got a call back. They want her back for a second audition. But not until 8 January because the holidays are swiftly approaching.

In Fußball news, we didn't fall any further in the table. Nürnberg shocked Gladbach and moved out of the relegation zone. Schalke slipped into it.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 18 December 2023

Rene Klingenburg simply isn't adapting well to the Bundesliga. He and Muhammed Kiprit are really struggling. Our youth players Alfred Alten and Ilhan Yavuz are developing but aren't ready for regular minutes. We'd discovered Matty Longstaff playing amateur football after Newcastle United released him last summer. He's a midfielder and from the videos of his time at Newcastle and Aberdeen has a phenomal work ethic. He agreed to a trial and has shown some real class in training so we've offered him a contract. He agreed and became a Roten Teufel today.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

I decided to drop Muhammed Kiprit and go with a 4-3-3 with wingers. Oliver Batista-Meier replaced Muhmammed and played left wing. Matty Longstaff replaced Rene Klingenburg. Additionally, Boris Tomiak is only fit enough to sit on the bench.

The problem is we are bereft of any ingenuity or craft. It was a midfield stalemate.

My fullbacks and wingers had poor performances. Wing play is key in my system and Matty and Marlon Ritter played together for the first time and, unfortunately, there was no immediate chemstry.

It was grinding towards a dull, dreary nil-nil draw until the 81st minute.

Leverkusen won a free kick. We cleared the free kick, but in the confusion afterwards, nobody ran out to our right flank. They saw the lapse in concentration and played a pass out to the wide open Moussa Diaby.

Diaby smashed his shot past Julian Krahl.

0-1

Unsurprisingly, we failed to mount any counter.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Six matches without a win. Scored seven, conceded fifteen. We've been missing our main keeper Avdo Spahci and defender Boris Tomiak during this period.

Here's the table at the halfway point. Bayern have pretty much wrapped up the title as Winter Champions. They still haven't lost. We're tenth which is respectable. We just need to regain our form. We're only five points out of second place so the top half of the table is pretty tight aside from FC Hollywood.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

And with that, we're on winter break. This year we booked four days at Val d'Isere in France. Matthew is turning into a monster on the slopes. Part of it is he's young and doesn't mind crashing. As he's young, he just pops back up, we gather up his equipment and get back at it. I, on the other hand, ski carefully as I don't want to die.

Allison and Gwen are super cute. Allison's skis are tiny and as Gwen is a beginner. They stick to the beginner runs and Matthew and I go on the more challenging runs.

This is the perfect break after the pressure of pulling Kaiserslautern out of its losing streak.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 28 December 2023

After celebrating Christmas on the slopes and mountains of France, we flew to the beaches of Cadiz, Spain for New Year's. Gwen' parents and my Mom met us there. We all hung out with Esteban. Of course, we talked football. Cadiz are back in La Liga but are 3 points above the relegation places.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

We flew back to Germany for our Winter Cup. Its a big money earner and tune-up for the second half. We face Ajax, Benfica, and Boca (Yeah, that Boca. The Argetine club).

And here's the bottom line: we made EU265,000

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 7 January 2024

9:43pm

"Thank you Alesio and Diego for meeting with me on such short notice," I said.

"Of course," Alesio Rosa said. "I remember you from your days at Lazio."

"I hope in a good way," I said.

"Oh, yes. Klose and Candreva were my heroes growing up supporting the Biancoceleste. You had that Coppa Italia final your second season."

"Si, but the fired me right after we lost."

"Your table is ready," the host said and led us to a table in a back corner.

"How was your flight?" Diego Piacentini said as we sat. "And your drive to Bergamo?"

"The flight was fine, the drive too," I said. Especially since I had a chaffeur and didn't have to battle sleep. I'll admit that I drifted off on the drive up. "Do you have any thoughts about Germany, Alesio?"

"I've talked to Shakur," he replied. "He says its great playing under you. He says that Ulf Kirsten is a great coach."

"Well, I've submitted an offer that has been accepted so I rushed up here," I said. "I've been tracking you for a while and I'll admit that I'm a huge fan. I think you have a massive amount of talent. I will also admit that I am utterly shocked that Atalanta would let you go. When I saw that Fiorentina put in an offer, we immediately made our own."

"Thanks, I'm honored you are interested in me," Alesio said. "I really want to be playing and not hanging on promises that aren't getting met."

"Well, my star striker Muhammed Kiprit wants to leave," I said. "He's transfer listed. Additionally, his form has disappeared. So if you sign for Kaiserslautern, I would throw you right in the deep end. I think you've got everything you need. You just need the opportunity. I want to give it to you."

"Can I take your orders?" the waitress asked. We ordered.

"Yeah, I know that Fiorentina have an established starting pair and a pair of backups," Alesio said. "So I'm definitely interested."

"Are we ready to talk money?" Diego said. I nodded. He slid an envelope across the table. I opened it and looked it over. They wanted 14.5k per week, a 3 year contract and a 4M release clause. I nodded. "I can do better. 16 a week, 7k for each goal or assist and I always offer my forwards a series of bonuses. Each 5 goals you score or assists you create gets you a better and better bonus. I want to reward you for doing well. If you score 20 goals, your bonus would be 650k."

They both nodded.

I created my offer on my iPad, they accepted it and I'd submitted it to the DFB before the food arrived.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 10 January 2024

9:15pm

"Welcome to Brighton," Willie Kenny said in a strong Irish accent. He was in a bespoke three piece suit. It was a nice suit.

"Thanks," I said as we shook hands.

"Yeah, thanks for traveling all the way here," Aaron Connolly said. Similar Irish accent. Aaron was in jeans, sneakers, and a heavy wool sweater. We also shook.

The hostess led us to a booth in a back corner of the restaurant.

"So ..." Willie said in a leading kind of way.

"I'm here because I think Brighton are fools to let your contract run out," I said. "What with your work rate and eye for goal. Anyways, I'd love to bring you to the continent and make you a Bundesliga star."

"Its kind of a trend now, innit," Aaron said.

"Ja, wir lieben der Irisch," I said. "But seriously, I have a squad that has dragged Kaiserslautern from the third division back into the Bundesliga after a ten year absence. The club is back from the brink of insolvency and we had a great start to our first campaign back in the big time. You are exactly the kind of striker I want leading the line."

"Start with drinks?" the waiter asked. We ordered.

"My system works to exploit overloads, particularly on the flanks," I continued. "I play two strikers, a lone winger who attacks the weakest fullback, and our wingbacks are key to our attack."

"A bit like Klopp then?" Aaron asked.

"Yeah, we're the poorer Black Forest cousins twice removed but yeah you've got the idea," I said. "Additionally, I've got a midfield wizard who plays those inch perfect, slide rule passes through the defense for my forwards to run onto. Marlon Ritter is in his prime and his understudy Oliver Batista-Meier isn't too bad either. Oliver's your age. Our stadium was rebuilt for the 2006 World Cup and the Fritz-Walter is a beauty. Great facilities."

"Yeah, thanks for the video tour," Aaron said. "It does look really nice."

"We also have a decent number of players who speak English including a fine chap from Hartlepool, Harry Chapman. Oh, and I've got two English coaches."

The waiter arrived with our beers. We placed our orders.

"Additionally, I have the Germany and Bayer Leverkusen legend Ulf Kirsten coaching my forwards," I said. "He scored over 100 goals for East German and then Germany after reunificiation. His motto is a goal doesn't have to be beautiful, over the line is enough. And he's a grafter of the highest order. Additionally, I have the Vinnie Jones of German fußball, Jörg Weber, as my assistant."

"Oh?" Aaron said. "Tell me about him."

"Imagine a the love child of an American gangsta rapper and an Italian mobster. He's a gigantic human: 6'6". 29 red cards, 147 yellow cards, several stints in jail and the longest suspension for violent conduct in the history of German fußball. He's sober now. Living f***ing legend. He's great, everyone loves him."

"I look forward to meeting him," Aaron said. "Word is you were quite the scrapper back in the day."

"Yeah, Serie A churns out violent defensive midfielders," I replied. "I'm one of many. I got my chance for Bologna because everyone was hurt. I never let the spot go until my knees gave out."

"Top notch medical?" Aaron asked.

"Yeah for sure. Agnieszka Tobiaj-Kolodiej, aka the ATK runs a tight ship. We all do what she says for fear of facing her wrath. She's a hoot. She has a nursing degree, massage license. We have chiropractors and acupuncturists on staff. A full complement of cryo tubs. One of our doctors is a kinesiologist."

"What's that?" Aaron asked.

"Doctor of how the body moves. He works with players paricularly during rehabs, but every new player works with him to improve his running and moving efficiency."

"Oh, cool," Aaron said.

"Any other questions?" I asked. "Or should we talk money?"

"Lets talk money," Aaron said.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 12 January 2024

10:47am

Well, s***. He chose sitting on the bench at Fiorentina to starting for Kaiserslautern. I don't get it.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Today is a bleak day for Fußball. Strong winds turning the drizzle into ice daggers. With Avdo Spahic still a month or so from returning Julian Krahl remains between the posts. Matej Mach replaces Captain Jean Zimmer who is out with a tweaked ankle. Trialist Luca Petzold signed as third keeper, he's on the bench.

We started off strongly. Billy Arce redirected Amilcar Silva's cross to Muhammed Kiprit who forced a save from the Hertha keeper in the 5th minute.

In the 24th, we got our breakthrough. Marlon Ritter played a ball out left to Silva who slid a pass into a wide open Kiprit. Muhammed chipped the pass past the Hertha keeper and we had an early lead.

1-0

These are the types of chances that Muhammed hasn't been converting in the first half of the season so its really pleasing.

In the 28th, we had a fast break up the right flank. Kiprit passed inside to Rene Klingenburg. He had the simple options of a simple pass to Ritter or chipping a pass into the box for Shakur Omar to chase. Instead he passed to a blue and white striped shirt.

"G*d d@mmit, Rene," I swore.

Hertha were finding joy with long diagonal balls into either corner. Their wingers and fullbacks were doing well at creating crossing chances. However, we were organized and easily dealt with their crosses.

Until the 33rd minute when one of their midfielders found himself all alone and 10m from goal. Luckily, he shot directly at Julian Krahl.

We were up by two in the 38th minute. Boris Tomiak smashed a header in from a Ritter corner.

2-0

And we had a third just before halftime. We'd parked in the Hertha half for a while, poking and prodding for weaknesses. Klingy saw Matej Mach in acres of space out right and Matej picked out Omar's run at the second post with a perfectly placed cross.

3-0

Hertha dominated the second half. But they were wasteful and a bit unlucky. So were we, honestly.

Muhammed Kiprit had his shot blocked in the 52nd.

Omar's replacement Harry Chapman was denied by a brilliant save in the 78th. I think that Harry has the skillset to be a wide forward for us. Maybe I'll just buy another fast striker in the summer, but the short-term solution might be Harry.

Billy was denied in the 79th with another great blocking save from the Hertha keeper.

As the second official was fiddling with his board to signal how much extra time we'd have, their right winger broke down the right and lasered a cross to the second post for their other winger. Krahl came flying across the goal and somehow managed to get a hand to the shot, preserving his shutout.

And we were up to 7th and 27 points with this win!

 

[Enrico Pucci]

A lovely January Sunday to sit inside and watch football. I started off with Spurs visiting Watford in the English FA Cup. Then I watched Hoffenheim beat Nürnberg on my laptop with Juventus on the TV. The dinnertime offererings were Gladbach and Wolfsburg on the TV, AC Milan on my laptop, and Chelsea hosting Boro in the Cup. The nightcap was the Capitale Derby. Didier Deschamps has Lazio playing really well this season but Roma dominated and deserved their victory.