Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 16 January 2024

Julian Krahl makes the Bundesliga Team of the Week!

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 18 January 2024

I need another forward. Muhammed Kiprit needs competition to spur him to get his magic back or someone to replace him. I hope I found that player. Leonardo Campana is a big, tall, and strong forward.

Even better is he's a friend of Billy Arce. They play together on the Ecuadorian national team.

He's not the strongest skill-wise but I hope he makes up for it with his athleticism. If he works out, I can buy him for 450k.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Shakur Omar left yesterday on international duty with the Sweden U21s so Muhammed Kiprit gets a chance to prove himself. New loan signing Leonardo Campana makes the bench. I give Harry Chapman his chance up top partnering Kiprit.

The Schalke keeper hoofs the ball down into our end to start the game and we're unable to defend. Josua Mejias can't handle his kick and Boris Tomiak cannot defend. Their forward is in on goal and smashes his shot past Julian Krahl.

1-0

I check to make sure I'm wearing pants; what a nightmare start.

It gets worse.

In the 14th minute, we let their center back dribble into our half. Then we let him continue deep into our half. Nobody steps up to challenge him. After a few nice little passes, the ball is in the back of the net again.

2-0

Disastrous defending from front to back.

In the 29th, a run from deep by a midfielder goes unnoticed until he's running onto a pass and sliding a shot past Krahl. Rene Klingenburg, Julian Niehues, Mejias, and Tomiak were all caught ball-watching.

3-0

F***ing pathetic.

"WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT S***!?!" Jörg bellowed. I just stood there, arms crossed, scowling.

And that was the halftime team talk.

The only consolation was that Campana converted a Silva cross on a fast break. But we conceded one more just before the nightmare ended.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

"You don't look happy with that result, Enrico."

"Correct. I'm furious with our performance. I want to apologize to die Roten Teufel who traveled up here and the supporters who watched this on TV."

"What happened?"

"We just weren't up for it. That's my fault."

"Why do you think its your fault?"

I just stared at the reporter.

"How much did you miss Shakur Omar?"

"He isn't a defender. Our problem today was our defense."

"Why can't you defend on the road recently? The last several away matches including from before the winter break have been poor."

"We couldn't defend against a long ball from their keeper on that first one, we let their central defender dribble nearly to our penalty box from the halfline on their second, and everyone was ball-watching on their third. These are all just fundamental mistakes. If you make mistakes at this level, you get punished. We were rightfully punished."

"Is it back to the drawing board?"

"No, we have a long-term plan that has brought us success so far. This result doesn't change anything in that respect."

"You fell to defeat to Sebastian Hoeneß despite his relatively brief time in the job. Do you think his experience ultimately made the difference?"

I just stared at the reporter.

"Are you disappointed that your winning streak against Schalke is over?"

I just stared at the reporter.

"Enrico, are you going to answer any of our questions?"

"If you stop asking daft questions."

"Schalke forward Simon Terodde had a great match, didn't he?"

I just stared at the reporter.

"So asking about opposition player's performances is daft?"

"The issue is that we were terrible and made Schalke's afternoon easy."

"It was Marlon Ritter's 125th appearance for Kaiserslautern. What does he mean to this club?"

"Marlon joined the club when we were in the 3.Liga. He'd never really gotten his chance. I challenged him and all the players to prove they belong in the Bundesliga. He's delivered at every level. He's been a great servant to this club and I hope he stays for a few more years."

"Leonardo Campana scored on his debut. Would you comment?"

"Ja, it was a good start. I'm excited for what he might bring to the club."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 22 January 2024

10 am or so...

At least I didn't puke.

He broke us up into three groups. We alternated between The Italian-American Death Sprints, pulling the sled, and running an obstacle course with a ball at our feet.

I think Boris came up with the name Italian-American Death Sprints. Its where you start at the end line, sprint to the 5m box and back, then the penalty box and back then midfield line and back. Over and over and over ...

Luckily, I was paired with Ilhan for the sleds. He's short and tiny. Jörg stood on Boris's sled.

My guess is that ATK and the fitness team are watching our GPS vest outputs to make sure nobody dies or something.

He just called us all in. After an hour of torture, now we're going to work on defending for two straight hours.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 23 January 2024

As soon as training ended, Jörg drove me up to the Frankfurt airport and I caught a plane Milan. Next I caught a commuter jet to Lecce. Thankfully, the sky over Italy was calm today as commuter jets scare the s*** out of me. I arrived just before 7pm and a taxi took me to the central piazza, Piazza Del Duomo, and the restaurant where I was going to meet Tòfol Montiel.

His agent Rafael Cordero had arranged for a table in a back alcove for any time after 7pm. I was a bit early so I had the opportunity to gather my thoughts while sipping a glass of Primotivo di Mandurica.

"Thank you for meeting me," I said in Spanish as we shook.

"Si, you speak Spanish?" Tòfol said.

"I had no idea," Rafael said.

"Si. Its a mix of Mexican, Puerto Rican, some Ecuadorian and Spain," I said. "I played half a season in Spain on loan and my first job as a manager was Cadiz."

"Thank you for meeting us," Rafael said. "I have several clients in Italy, as I said in my email, so your timing was perfect as I was in Italy already."

"My pleasure," I said.

"May we start you off with some wine?" the waiter asked. They ordered what I had.

"Are you willing to leave Italy?" I asked Tòfol.

"For the Bundesliga for sure," he replied. "I've never really gotten fair chance here in Italy and I don't like it all that much in Lecce."

"Its not warm like in Spain or here," I said. "I think the winter is harsher in northern Italy, I played for Bologna, than in southern Germany. But the football is hot. Our stadium seats 50k and is pretty much always full. All the Bundesliga stadiums are always full. Do you watch much German football?"

"Not all that much," he replied. "I'll catch Dortmund or Bayern occasionally. I see the German teams in the Champion's League. I did watch your match against Schalke. That didn't go well. But you thrashed Hertha Berlin pretty badly."

"Si, we're a squad of players who have never gotten their chances at the top," I said. "We're learning the hard way. I want to add a couple more attacking players and you are at the top of my list. I find it baffling how managers overlook talent. You're metrics like distance covered, dribbles, dribbles won, crosses attempted, and all that are excellent. Your talent is wasted in Serie B. I'm not a fan of Fiorentina, but I'm baffled that they sold you. I think you are the complete attacking player. Your dribbling, passing, runs off the ball, creativity and vision are great. You'd be a perfect fit in my system."

"What system do you use?" Rafael asked.

I explained it with a brief interruption while we ordered our meals.

"You're flirting with the European places," Tòfol noted. "Instead of fighting relegation."

"Si, we're having a great season," I said. "A bit of a roller coaster ride but we keep getting home wins and we had a fantastic September. 13 of our current haul of 27 came from then. We're a battle-hardened and determined bunch. We might just sneak a European spot."

"Which is why you want my client," Rafael said. "Shall we discuss your offer?"

"Sure," I replied. "Lets..."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 24 January 2024

I caught an overnight train to Napoli where I caught the first flight back to Germany. The earliest was to Stuttgart and I would probably make it to training by 10am or so. In the meantime, Thomas Hengen had texted me that Liverpool had lowered their demands for their right back Neco Williams. Originally, they'd wanted 40k per month on top of his weekly wages of 11.75k. That was ridiculous. Since nobody else was interested in paying that much, either, they were getting reasonable as the transfer deadline got nearer. So we submitted a loan offer for the Welsh wingback.

Thomas texted back that our offer had been accepted.

Then that news hit the British papers that afternoon. Somehow I doubt anybody at Kaiserslautern leaked this intel to the British tabloid press.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 24 January 2024

10-something-AM

"Jörg?" I said.

"Ja?"

"Where's Matej?"

"Flu," Jörg replied.

"Was I told?"

"Ja."

"Well ... f***," I said as I pulled out my phone. I brought up my email. I had 75 unread messages. Around a minute later, I found ATK's email. "You sent him home, right?"

"Ja."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 25 January 2024

5:50pm ish

"There, finally," Gisela said. "They've assigned his flight a baggage claim. Now we can walk over there and wait some more."

"Mmm ...," I muttered.

We stood in silence for a while. Which is something. Gisela talks non-stop. We'd exhausted all topics by this time.

"Have you ever been to Liverpool?" she asked.

"I have but only to play Tranmere Rovers," I said. "They'd dropped into League One when I managed AFC Wimbledon."

"What's it like?"

"Big industrial port. Honestly, I didn't see much of it as we rode the train up then got on a bus to get to the stadium."

"Is that him?" she asked nodding towards a young man.

"Ja."

He saw us right away. It helps that I'm still in my Kaiserslautern track suit.

"How was your flight?" I asked.

"It was good," he replied. "Thanks."

"This is Gisela," I said. They shook hands. "You've been texting and emailing with her. She doesn't speak much of any English but she's got everything arranged for you."

"Really?" he said looking surprised. "Is she using some kind of translation app?"

"That and her assistant speaks a bit of English," I replied.

"Well, I'm glad to be here, Gaffer. Ready to hit the ground running."

"Welcome to Germany," I said.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Today is the Rheinland-Pfalz derby. Mainz is a suburb of Frankfurt or maybe has been subsumed into the greater metropolitan area. Regardless, the supporters really want a win over Mainz.

Matty Longstaff replaces the suspended Julian Niehues (yellow card accumulation) and Leonardo Campana gets the start after he was the only bright spot against Schalke.

My defensive nightmare continues. Mainz get the ball from the kickoff and pass it around until they broke down our right in the 2nd minute. Their left fullback whips in a cross and their right winger races into the 5m box and flicks it past Julian Krahl.

0-1

Oh. My. F***ing. God. I look down, I'm wearing pants so this is another waking nightmare. Neither center back responded to the threat of a cross very well and Krahl could have stepped out to dive for the grassburner cross. F***ing pathetic.

We respond nearly immediately. Rene Klingenburg plays a ball over the top for Shakur Omar to chase. Their keeper does well to block his shot.

Krahl makes a good save to prevent Mainz from going up by 2 in the 10th minute.

Against the run of play, we score in the 15th minute!

Some tricky interpassing between Marlon Ritter, Billy Arce, Leonardo Campana, and Jean Zimmer results in Jean sliding a pass into the path of Omar who scores from 5m.

1-1

That's better.

Now can we start defending like a Bundesliga team instead of drunken imbeciles?

In the 18th, Campana played in Shakur but yet again the Mainz keeper did well to block the shot.

In the 22nd, their left winger missed a sitter from 15m dead center. He shot wide.

Hopefully, this was a sign that Mainz would begin playing like a relegation-threatened team and not resemble a slick-passing club at the top of their league who shred their opponents.

In the 25th, Ritter's free kick from 25m clipped the top of the Mainz crossbar.

In the 32nd, Ritter nipped in and stole the ball off a Mainz midfielder. He slid a pass out left to Omar who curled a pass into space for Campana to chase. Now, Leonardo isn't particularly fast, but he got the jump on the Mainz central defenders and was in on goal.

He deftly chipped the ball past their keeper and into the side netting.

2-1

I was engulfed by a wave of players and coaches.

Once again, I was worried. Would we be able to hold our lead?

In the 42nd minute, Campana was provider for Omar once again but Shakur shot tamely at their keeper.

In the 55th minute, Amilcar Silva brought down their right winger out by the sideline. All the Mainz tall players gathered at the top of our box for the free kick. A Mainz player out-jumped the Kaiserslautern defender and flicked the ball into the path of their winger. He tapped the ball into our net to even the score.

However, the assistant referee had his flag up. Offsides! We were saved!

In the 61st, Billy launched a 40m diagonal pass toward Omar. Their defender missed the header and Shakur had time to control the ball, set his sights and blast away.

Unfortunately, he shot directly at the keeper who managed to tip the shot over the bar.

I began replacing tired players. First was Jean Zimmer; Neco Williams made his debut. Next, Billy came off; Harry Chapman went on.

In the 82nd, Chapman raced down the right flank, beat his man and curled in a low cross for the first post.

Campana met the cross on the hop and smashed it past the frozen Mainz keeper.

3-1

Now I can breath a little easier.

I replaced Marlon Ritter with Oliver Batista-Meier.

As we were passing the ball around the back and generally playing keep-away, Klingy found himself in the Mainz half with time and space. He saw Harry making an outside in run and zipped a pass up to him.

Harry one-timed a pass into the space behind the Mainz defense and Omar smashed home our fourth.

4-1

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 27 January 2024

Busy day in the Bundesliga. I watched Bochum beat Schalke on the TV as we played Bochum next weekend. I had the Gladbach-Hertha match on my laptop as we played them the week after. I had the Freiburg-Stuttgart match on my iPad and that was an absolute slugfest.

I watched FC Hollywood destroy Leverkusen. Gawd they're good.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 28 January 2024

Dortmund and Köln spanked their opponents today. Dominic Tedesco sure is having a tough start at Eintracht Frankfurt. One win, one draw, and four losses. Poor guy ... ha. Sure hope Axel is still happy with his new manager.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 30 January 2024

Shakur Omar made the Team of the Week.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 31 January 2024

I tried to sell Muhammed Kiprit twice but nobody was interested. We didn't even have any offers today.

Tofol Montiel signed a Bosman transfer for Levante in Spain.

Leipzig spent some money to try and get into the European places. We'll see if it works.

Here's some perspective on how we're doing. We still have the lowest payroll and Bayern the highest. Clearly, Leipzig in 9th and Bayer Leverkusen in 11th must be disappointed. Köln (2nd), Freiburg (4th), and us (7th) are overperforming.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thursday, 1 February 2024

noonish

"Hey Sören," I said. "I have time, want to talk finances?"

"Ja, now is a good time," Managing Director Sören Oliver Voigt replied.

"I hope everything is still looking good."

"Ja, it is.16.7 million on the bank, As opposed to around 5 million or thereabouts two years ago. Plenty of cash. We lost 1.1 million in January but that's fine because our income was 4.5 million. Merchandise sales are good."

"We paid out for some contract clauses," he continued. "That's the majority of the 1.9 million in Other. So we're doing well."

"And this will impact on how much I'll have in my transfer budget and payroll, right?" I asked.

"Ja, it should, Enrico."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 2 February 2024

10ish AM

"Hey, Enrico," Muhammed Kiprit said.

"Muhammed, what's up?" I replied.

"I appreciate that you stuck to your word and tried to sell me," he said. "I'm happy to wait until the summer to leave."

"Ja, cool," I replied. "Thanks for being very professional about all of this. I truly appreciate it."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Its a cold, wet day and the main stands are not totally full. The Westkurv is and they are ready for Bochum. Neco Williams makes his debut at right wingback. Julian Niehues is back after his suspension for yellow card accumulation so Matty Longstaff partners Marlon Ritter in midfield. Billy wasn't great last weekend so Harry Chapman gets his chance. Lorenzo Campana partners Shakur Omar up top.

My British right side worked really well together, but our first chance was straight up the middle. In the 12th minute, Ritter fed Campana who slipped a pass behind the Bochum defense for Matty. Their keeper did well to block his shot out for a corner.

In the 24th, Amilcar Silva let the Bochum right winger make a run directly in front of him. The winger shot from distance just as Josua Mejias and Silva were about to close him down. Easy save for Krahl.

In the 37th minute, Neco tackled the Bochum left winger right in front of me. As he was trying to get past my Welsh wingback and down the line. The Bochum player fell on top of Neco and he yelped. The ball squibbed out of bounds and Neco clutched his wrist.

"F***ing h*ll," Neco swore in English. "I f***ing broke it. S***."

I looked over at Jean Zimmer. He got up and started loosening up.

The ref signaled it was okay for ATK to come onto the field. She helped Neco get up and they walked up the tunnel into the team room.

In the 38th, Mejias let his man spin him on the dribble. But Josua recovered to block the shot.

I sent Zimmer on to replace Williams.

Our second chance came in the 45th minute. Zimmer zipped a millimeter-perfect, slide-rule pass between three defenders for Omar.

Omar chipped the keeper.

1-0

The cliche that a goal right before halftime makes your halftime talk much easier couldn't be more true today. Instead of urging my players to find the gaps in their defense, I reminded them how well they'd been bottling up the midfield.

In the 48th, Silva lobbed a pass into the corner for Omar to chase. My Swedish-Somali star looked up and saw four red shirts sprinting for the box. He curled in a cross that Harry met but headed high. The whole stadium sighed over the missed opportunity.

In the 58th, Harry squandered another chance when Matty found him free in the box. I signaled into the corner for Billy who was warming up and a few minutes later. Billy replaced Harry.

In the 59th, Silva slowed down and let the Bochum right winger get to the long ball they'd played into our left corner. Then he let him cross. For the second time today, Boris Tomiak let a cross get over his head. For the second time today, Zimmer was there to clear it away.

"Silva," I said as Amilcar jogged upfield right in front of me. He looked over. "Don't let him beat you to the ball over the top. Be ready. And for f***'s sake don't let him cross."

Silva nodded.

"BORIS! BORIS!" I yelled. Boris looked over. "Don't let those crosses get over your head." He put a hand up to apologize.

The match was turning into an NBA-style basketball game. Both teams raced back and forth exchanging chances. We blocked most of their shots or cleared their crosses, while we shot waywardly.

The scariest moment came in the 65th minute. They played an intricate series of passes straight up the middle. Boris lunged in to tackle the ball and missed. Unlike normal, Boris also missed the player. Jörg and Lorenzo both teach the mantra of the ball can get past or the man can get past but not both. Well, Boris failed. Utterly.

Their striker was so surprised to be in alone on goal he filled his pants and shot wide with Julian Krahl frozen.

Both Jörg and Lorenzo were up off the bench screaming at Boris.

This NBA-style is exhausting if you're a manager. Too. Many. Chances. Its a good thing I'm already clean-shaven or I'd have yanked all my hair out by the end of this one.

Campana twice, Omar twice, and Ritter all missed gilt-edged chances to pad our lead.

Krahl had a brilliant save in the 80th to tip a shot over the bar.

In the 80th, I sent Matej Mach on for Silva with explicit instructions to mark his man tighter.

In the 86th, a Bochum midfielder made a run from deep and got free at the top of the box. Yet again, Krahl was brilliant and tipped the shot over the bar.

And we needed another great save from Krahl in the 92nd to preserve all three points!

Its not just that we're in sixth in the table. Its that we have 33 points. In the last five seasons, 33 points is enough to stay up. And we have 13 matches to go!

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Thank you all for reading. 40K seems like a big deal.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 3 February 2024

9:30ish pm

"Well my Italian-American lover boy, you look well pleased with yourself," Gwen said.

"Its true," I said. "Mission accomplished." I raised my glass of wine, we clinked. "Kaiserslautern are safe from relegation. No team in recent seasons has gotten relegated with 33 points."

"You did rather celebrate that victory like it was a cup final," she noted.

"Now I need to start planning for next season."

"No rest for the wicked."

"Its true," I agreed. "What are you going to have?"

"Maybe some bruschetta and then some soup. You?"

"No idea," I said. "Still no news? No whispers?"

"Yeah," Gwen shrugged. "Still haven't heard anything. I don't know how actors do this. This waiting for rejection thing. Its unnerving."

"Maybe its a funding thing," I said. "I dunno. Maybe Simon Pegg got offered bazillions for Mission Imrprobable XXVI. Or another Star Trek."

"I've been following all that," Gwen said. "Its shockingly quiet. No rumors about Simon or Nick in the tabloids or anything."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 7 February 2024

1:57 pm

"Ciao, Enrico."

"Its Agnieszka."

"Oh no. Its about Julian, ja?"

"Ja, its about Julian," Head Physio Agnieszka Tobiasz-Kolodziej said. "He's strained his back. We knew that this morning but he's really tightened up. We just talked. He's icing at home but at this point he'll be out three to six weeks. Oh, I have him on a muscle relaxant, too."

"Well ... that's not good."

"Once again I'm the bearer of bad news."

"I don't blame you for it," I said. "If that makes you feel any better."