Alpha Romeo Metaphor IV

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 9 February 2024

1:52pm

"Ciao, Enrico."

"Its Matej."

"Hey, Matej, what's up?"

"I'm here with the ATK."

"Afternoon, Enrico," Agnieszka said.

"Oh, no," I said. "What'd you do, Matej?"

"Well, I won't be available tomorrow against Gladbach."

"Okay, why?"

"Tell him, Matej," Agnieszka said.

"I'm sorry, Enrico, it was an accident ..."

"Isn't it always?" I interjected.

"Ja ... um ... I was just goofing around in Die Kabine ... um ... and I ... um ... fell."

"You fell," I repeated.

"Ja, and he's bruised his ankle," Agnieszka added.

"Ja, it happens," I said. "How long?"

"Not long," Agnieszka said. "Couple days, maybe."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

A typical winter day in Germany; cold rain. Fifth hosting sixth in the table. Gladbach have four straight draws while we have three wins and a loss.

Rene Klingenburg returns to the line-up as Matty Longstaff drops back to defensive midfield with Julian Niehues out. Amilcar Silva starts since Matej Mach bruised his ankle goofing around.

We started well. Klingy, Jean Zimmer, and Billy Arce had a nice passing combination down the right and their keeper tipped Billy's shot around the post in the 4th minute.

However, instead of playing the simple, short pass out of the back, we were hoofing long balls forward. This just gave Gladbach the ball back.

In the 25th minute, we finally passed the ball out and Shakur Omar crossed in from the left. We had four players crashing the box. Unfortunately, they cleared the cross and it fell to a Gladbach midfielder.

He launched a long ball forward. Josua Mejias lost the header then fell over himself attempting to recover. Their striker smashed his shot past Julian Krahl.

1-0

Eight minutes later and Mejias gifted them another goal. Their goalscorer, Davie Selke, jogged back to show for a pass. Mejias followed him. When the ball was played over the top into the vacuum, Selke spun and raced after it. Mejias was caught meters upfield.

Selke blasted a second past Krahl.

2-0

F*** me.

I didn't yell at them at halftime. Mejias sat in the team room looking at the floor. He knew he'd been a bad doggy.

"Listen," I said. "Everyone has a stinker now and again. Let's pull together. I want to see a better second half."

It wasn't just Mejias who stunk. Ritter didn't really pick out the right pass all match. Omar didn't get open or drive at the defense when he had the ball. Both fullbacks never saw the pass upfield and were constantly passing back even though they had better options. Gladbach won every second ball the entire second half.

Campana hit the crossbar from a Billy cross in the 53rd. That was the only bright spot in the second half.

They got a third in the 81st. A combination of several players not pressuring the ball, not marking their men tightly, and ball-watching.

3-0

Absolute clusterf*** goal.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 11 February 2024

9am

"I am alarmed," I said. Then I sat. Then I took a sip of my espresso. "We've conceded seven in two away games. Suddenly, we are unable to defend on the road."

There were a few shrugs. Jörg sighed. Lorenzo D'Anna and Ulf Kirsten nodded.

"When I am resisting the urge to strangle my defenders, something is wrong and needs to be addressed," I said.

"Ja, its been bad," Jörg agreed.

"Each goal had fundamental errors," Lorenzo said. "We're making too many mistakes. Basic mistakes."

"Lets just return to the basic," Goalkeeping coach Wolfgang Wimmer said. "Review the fundamentals of marking, tackling, organization, all of it."

"And we have Bayern coming up," Ulf added.

We all sat in silence for a moment.

"At home, though," Ulf said into the silence. "Bayern at the Fritz-Walter."

"Ja, at least we have them at home," I said. "Okay, how do we do this?"

"Basics, back to basics," Jörg said.

"Ja, review everything," Lorenzo said.

And we talked through how we would structure our trainings for the week. Plus Olaf Marschall previewed what we could expect from Bayern.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 14 February 2024

10:24am

My phone vibrated. I pulled it out. It was Gwen. I pointed at my phone and stepped away. Ulf nodded.

"Ciao."

"I got the call," she said.

"And?"

"I've been cast as the sexy woman at the station."

"That's so awesome."

"I know."

"Any details?"

"May and June," she replied. "I'll be mainly at a studio in London as I'm mainly in the station except for one scene outside of the station, but that will be in London, too."

"Wow. So awesome."

"Yeah."

"Um, I gotta go. Love you."

"Love you."

Click.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

 

[Enrico Pucci]

This is a big match for us. We haven't been defending well so this is a massive test.

The Fritz-Walter is a complete sell-out. The weather is s***. Cold sleet at a 45º angle. This might cool off FC Hollywood's superstars.

Oliver Hüsing replaces Josua Mejias who is suspended for yellow card accumulation. Julian Niehues is still out so Matty Longstaff drops back into the defensive midfield role and Rene Klingenburg partners Oliver Batista-Meier. Marlon Ritter hasn't been bossing the midfield and Oliver has something to prove to Bayern so Oliver starts. Lorenzo Campana hasn't been very good in the last two games so Muhammed Kiprit gets a start.

I set up the team to play defensively. We sat back and made Bayern work for it.

We hit Bayern on the fast break in the 14th minute. It was our third time into the opposition half in the match. As Billy Arce crossed into their box, Niklas Sule swept the ball out wide right with a powerful tackle. Jean Zimmer was first to the ball and whipped in a back post cross.

Rene Klingenburg met it with a header that evaded Manuel Neuer, hit where the crossbar and post meet and was in!

1-0

The players all jumped onto the advertising boards and celebrated with the Westkurv.

Bayern pinned us into our own end and got a goal back in the 25th minute. They played a ball up to Lewandoski. Boris Tomiak wasn't fast enough closing him down and Hüsing just watched as he slipped a pass behind the ball-watching Matej Mach for Leroy Sane. Sane slipped a shot past Julian Krahl.

1-1

Thankfully, we didn't collapse after their goal.

Not that they didn't have plenty of chances, but we sat back and absorbed their pressure.

Lewandoski and Sane had two good chances each. Two were blocked and Krahl made two good saves.

Shakur Omar beat Neuer but missed the top corner in the 32nd minute.

That was it for the first half. The boys were playing well and sleet made conditions miserable.

We made it to the 60th minute before Bayern had their first chance of the second half. Krahl tipped a Lewandoski header from a Sane cross over the bar.

Kiprit wasn't doing much of anything so I replaced him with Campana.

In the 68th, I replaced Omar with Marlon Ritter. Ritter slots into the center of midfield and Oliver moves out to the left wing. Campana will play alone up top.

Substitute Justin Kluivert shoots tamely right at Krahl in the 70th.

In the 71st, Lewandoski sprints after a through ball, but his first touch lets him down and Tomiak recovers to block his shot.

The sleet grows heavier and the match grinds to a standstill. I'm bundled up like a penguin with only my nose and eyes exposed to the weather. Its got to suck playing today.

Matej Mach is exhausted so I replace him at left back with Amilcar Silva.

In the 89th, we manage to work the ball upfield with some glorious passing (considering the conditions). Klingy slides a pass between several defenders to put Ritter in on goal.

But Neuer tips his shot around the post!

No, wait. The assistant ref has just raised his flag for offsides.

The Assistant Referee holds up his board. Only 3 minutes of extra time!

Lewandoski slips past Tomiak. Boris recovers with a brilliant, recovering tackle and Hüsing clears the ball.

The ref runs up. Lewandoski bounces up, demanding a card. The ref is fumbling in his back pocket. He pulls out his red card and waves it at Boris.

"HE GOT THE BALL!" I scream as I run up to the fourth official. "THAT WAS CLEAN! REVIEW THE CALL!"

The fourth official doesn't say anything as Lewandoski receives the ball from Sule and picks it up.

"HOW IS THAT A RED CARD!" I demand. "REVIEW THE CALL! HE GOT IT WRONG!"

Lewandoski places the ball for the direct free kick.

"I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION!" I bellow.

Krahl tips Lewandoski's free kick around the post. I can see Jörg and Lorenzo yelling at my players, they know what I want. Matty drops into central defense and Ritter and Klingy will play as defensive midfielders in a 4-4-1.

"YOU CAN'T JUST PRETEND THAT WASN'T A CONTROVERSIAL CALL!" I yell into the fourth official's ear. "I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION!"

"Watch yourself, Enrico," the fourth official finally said. "You'll get yourself in trouble soon."

"What?" I ask. "Like when the ref calls a mystery penalty to gift Bayern a victory they don't deserve because Bayern must always win and the refs are always happy to help out?"

The Bayern central defenders jog up into our box as Josua Kimmich places the ball for a corner.

"You'd better stop talking now," the fourth official warned.

Kimmich delivers the corner into the mixer and someone heads it out for another corner, but the opposite side.

"Do you referees claim impartiality for Bayern?" I asked as Kimmich trotted over to the opposite corner. "They always win. They always get the favorable calls."

"You're on dangerous ground, Enrico," he said.

Kimmich places the ball as hand-to-hand combat ensues in the penalty area.

Kimmich delivers a far post cross. Billy, Hüsing, and Klingy all leap with three Bayern players for the ball. It ricochets between players and drops to the ground.
.

The ref blows his whistle and instead of indicating his decision, puts his finger to his ear. Both sets of players surround him.

The stadium erupts into boos and whistles.

"I called it," I told the fourth official.

The fourth official turned to face me.

"Bayern must always win everything," I said. "Told you."

"I will be reporting this to the DFB," the fourth official said.

"This is one of the worst officiated matches I've seen in my five seasons of managing in Germany," I said. "You know I'm always sticking up for you guys even when you suck. But this ..." I pointed in the direction of Felix Zwayer. "... is beyond belief."

"Duly noted," the fourth official said, still in my face.

Then we waited for the inevitable. The booing and whistling increased as the corner was replayed several times on the stadium's big scoreboard. After what seemed like hours of waiting, Zwayer finally ran over to the monitor and began watching for something himself.

"How can he call anything?" I asked the fourth official. "The video shows a pile of players all leaping, arms flailing. What is he going to call? Illegal jumping? Vexing? Cannibalism?"

Zwayer watched the replay a dozen times as everyone in the stadium booed and whistled.

Eventually, he stepped back onto the field of play and pointed at the spot.

I just walked back to the bench and sat down.

Lewandoski buried the penalty.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

"I'd like to start by discussing the end of this match," I said before any of the reporters could pose a question. "First of all I have repeatedly supported the referees over the years. They have a difficult job and usually get it right. Today was not one of those days. Felix Zwayer had a really poor match. He sent off Tomiak for a clean tackle. The whole stadium saw the replay. It wasn't violent, just a good hook tackle. It appeared to me that he was swayed by the protestations of the Bayern players. How he decided it was violent conduct, we'll never know. I asked the fourth official who refused to explain the call. Furthermore, Zwayer never consulted the VAR official. He relied on the VAR official for nearly every other controversial call, why not this one?"

"Addtionally," I continued. "I even predicted the penalty call. I mockingly suggested to the fourth official that now Zwayer would call a penalty as a gift to Bayern. Then he did. How he saw a foul in the pile up of bodies, I will never know. Yet again, he did not consult the VAR official despite making such a mysterious and controversial call. I will reiterate that up until the sending off, he repeatedly relied on the VAR official to double check his calls. Yet, for these two extremely critical and controversial decisions he did not consult the VAR offiical."

"I will request that the DFB review his behavior and judgment," I concluded. "I've seen this type of refereeing behavior before during the dark days of Italian fußball and his bizarre and erratic behavior needs to be examined. Thanks for letting me says this. Let's get to questions."

"You realize you're going to get yourself in trouble, ja?"

"All I can do is attempt to put these poor decisions under the microscope in a bid to improve the standards of officiating. Hopefully, we won't have to endure another charade like we saw today."

"Any ramifications for Boris Tomiak?"

"He's baffled and furious," I replied. "Like everyone else in the stadium. He'll be fine, though, he's a strong character."

"You were supposed to get thrashed by Bayern. Would you comment, please?"

"They're unbeaten so far this season and I would argue we've pushed them the hardest. A goalless draw back in September and now a gift ... erm ... let me rephrase that, I spoke incorrectly ... baffling errors by Zwayer and they get all three points. Points they didn't deserve. Aside from the controversy at the end, I think we executed our game plan quite well."

"Another late goal conceded. You've had a number of them this season. Comment?"

"The players understand how important it is to hold leads or, in today's case, keep our share of the points. Its a mentality thing and I think we're getting stronger and ... well ... then there was Zwayer's performance at the end."

"Leroy Sane had a really great game today, would you comment?"

"No."

"Do you think you'll be in trouble with the DFB over your comments about Zwayer?"

"Definitely. I don't care about the ramificiations, though. His erratic behavior today was truly bizarre. That wasn't a red card and it wasn't a penalty. Most importantly is we need to discuss how he handled these two controversial calls."

"What do you have to say about the feeling that Bayern always get the favorable calls?"

"Everyone has come to expect it by now. Their superstars get in the ref's early and often and the effects seem very clear to me right now."

"You really don't think there was anything wrong with Boris Tomiak's tackle. Some have labeled it as a horror tackle. What are your thoughts."

"First, Boris isn't that kind of player. Secondly, we've all seen the replays. It wasn't even a foul."

"Its rumored that Leroy Sane might be leaving Bay..."

"Sorry, let me interrupt you right there," I said. "I'm not a pundit. Germany is filled with pundits who will likely have plenty to say about Bayern and Sane. You should ask them. Thanks. I'm going to head into Die Kabine."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Werner: Welcome to the Rötliche und Teuflisch podcast. I'm your host Werner. As always I'm joined by my good friend Jakob. Today in the aftermath of the Bayern match, we're here to discuss all the ramifications. Please like and subscribe.

Jakob: Ja, what a match, what an ending.

Werner: F*** Zwayer.

Jakob: Ja, f*** him.

W: Have you ever seen such s****y refereeing like that?

J: Here's the thing about performances like what we saw. They wipe your mind clear of anything that has happened before in the history of German Fußball. Like for example, I know that Kaiserslautern have won the league. Well, maybe. I kind of sort of remember that happening but its all vague. And for the life of me I cannot remember where I went on vacation last.

W: Maybe you should approach the DFB about the trauma they have caused to you?

J: [laughs] ... ja.

W: Okay, so the referee sent off Boris Tomiak just before extra time for a tackle. That's just the indisputable facts. Then he awarded Bayern a penalty kick two minutes into extra time.

J: Ja, those are all true facts. We had been even with Bayern for most of the match. We traded early goals then the match stagnated.

W: I don't even know how to talk about the ending of the game. I just want to scream. Still.

J: The pundits on television have ... well ... they've had a lot to say. The majority are baffled, except for the Bayern pundits. They are baffled why we are complaining. Allow me to summarize ... we are Bayern, of course the tackle on Lewandoski is a red card. Any tackle on Lewandoski must be met with the harshest punishments. Of course its a penalty, we are Bayern.

W: Ja, that seems like a good summary of those monkey butts. I mean, everyone hates Bayern. They always win everything and we were within minutes of drawing home and away with them in the Bundesliga.

J: Ja, that's what hurts the most. Okay, allow me to bring a little reality into this discussion ...

W: Wait, are you sure?

J: Ja, I'm sure. The reality is that Kaiserslautern are safe and the point that was stolen from us isn't going to matter in the big picture.

W: Oh, that kind of reality check. Ja, I can recognize your point yet still be outraged. Good point, though. Yesterday would have really hurt if that point meant we get relegated.

J: Maybe it is the point we need to get into the European places.

W: Ja, we're at 33 and Freiburg are 6th with 36. Gladbach are 4th with 39. Getting into Europe is not inconceivable if we go on a run.

J: We need to play better. Not to toss a bucket of freezing water on your fantasizing. We have three wins and three losses in this new year. 8 scored and 10 conceded. While we have struggling clubs like Union Berlin, Eintracht Frankfurt, and Nürnberg coming up, we also have yet to play Hoffenheim, Freiburg, and Köln.

W: So we need to pull ourselves together and play better.

J: Ja.

W: So can we be done talking about yesterday's match?

J: Sure. What do you want to talk about now?

W: How about correspondence.

J: Ja, okay. Do you have any of these correspondences?

W: In fact, I do. Your Mom was kind enough to write in again. turkuflame on Twitter writes: Are we relying too much on Shakur Omar?

J: Ooh, great question. Ja, turkuflame, we are. He has 12 goals. We've scored 37 overall. The problem is that Muhammed Kiprit is struggling and Lorenzo Campana hasn't delivered as of yet. Billy Arce and Harry Chapman haven't delivered many goals at all so far, either. Billy has two and Harry has nothing. I guess we can say that our central midfield has delivered. Ritter has 3 goals, 9 assists while Klingenburg has 4 goals. While Omar has become a star for us, nobody else has stepped forward to deliver additional goals.

W: But that's not as big of an issue, is it. Only six teams have scored more. We're doing well enough scoring.

J: Ja, right. Only Bayer Leverkusen and three of the bottom four have conceded as many goals as we have.

W: But we can put that down to the injury of Avdo Spahik, can't we?

J: I suppose.

W: He got hurt at the end of November. December was disastrous and we've been erratic in this New Year.

J: Well, we should be getting him back soon. I hope its that simple. Okay, I have a question. Berndtoast at gmail emailed me. Its a rather long email. Suffice to say he is unhappy with our fullbacks.

W: And he makes a good point.

J: Ja, I think we're due for an upgrade in the summer. I imagine. Enrico Pucci cannot be happy with our defense. Jean Zimmer and Amilcar Silva can barely cope with Bundesliga wingers. We are towards the top in clearances because they pretty much allow all crosses in. They just don't defend our flanks very well.

W: What about Matej Mach? Pucci certainly gives the young man some minutes.

J: He does play him a fair bit. But he needs to develop as a backup, he's just too young to be competing for the starting left back spot.

W: But he is. He played yesterday. He didn't do too badly trying to keep up with Leroy Sane. I mean, he wasn't good, but Silva would have been blown out of the water facing Sane for 70 or 80 minutes.

J: You know, there is a topic concerning yesterday's game we didn't discuss that we should.

W: Oh? What's that?

J: Pucci's postgame reactions.

W: Oh, god. Ja, he certainly didn't hold back. So how long will he get suspended?

J: We'll find out. He called out the ref's impartiality. Its one thing to criticize the ref's performance. But he brought up the corruption in the Italian game, and he was there for the whole Calciopoli stuff. He's been accused of throwing a match himself.

W: Wait, what?

J: Oh, you didn't know? Spanish authorities accused him of throwing a match. It was at his first manager job with Cadiz. They lost to local rivals and the authorities found a large number of bets had been placed in the far east. Charges were dropped eventually. It cost him his job with AFC Wimbledon. They fired him when these accusations came out. And his first wife, now deceased, was the daughter of a notorious Camorra boss. Camorra are the Naples mafia.

W: Wow, I had no idea.

J: So, ja, he probably knows a bit about the dark side of the game.

W: Wow. Again, wow. With that bombshell, I believe that we should end.

J: Ja, that sounds like a good idea.

W: So go away now.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Sunday, 18 February 2024

2:32pm

My phone vibrated as we were pulling into the garage. Gwen, Matthew, Allison and I had gone out for lunch and then done a little shopping.

I whipped it out.

Your hearing with the DFB Disciplinary Committee for your post match comments after the Kaiserslautern-Bayern match will be Monday, 19 February at 13:00. Click on this link to participate in your disciplinary hearing: bit.ly/3stB7Rh

Oh, my.

Two minutes later Thomas Hengen texts me.

Jakob Mannfriedler will join me on the dfb call. The instructions from Jakob is you will say as little as possible. You will answer yes or no questions. Jakob will answer any other questions.

Jakob was Kaiserslautern's legal counsel. He'd gotten me through the match fixing crisis in 2021 when a Russian gang approached me and I went to the authorities.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 19 February 2024

1pm

"Thank you for joining our video conference, Herr Pucci. I'm Dominic Schandler, head of this DFB Disciplinary panel. With me here in the Frankfurt headquarters are Malky Glandner, Discpline Director, and Rolf Ignar from the Referee Committee. Would the other participants introduce themselves, please?

"I'm Jakob Mannfriedler, counsel to Kaiserslautern and sitting next to me is Kaiserslautern Technical Director Thomas Hengen."

"Thank you for joining this hearing," Schandler said. "We are here to review Herr Pucci's comments after Kaiserslautern's Saturday game against Bayern München. Let me share my screen and replay the post game interview."

I had to watch myself. If you've ever seen yourself on TV, its really disconcerting. Considering what I said had also gotten me in trouble, it was doubly so. Eventually, it ended.

"Specifically, we are reviewing your comments because you have brought the game into disrepute by maligning the integrity of our referees," Schandler said. "Do you understand the charge against you, Herr Pucci?"

"I do," I said.

"Do you have anything you would like to say?" Schandler asked.

"As Kaiserslautern's legal counsel, I would like to address this," Jakob Mannfriedler said. "Enrico and the club are still concerned about the erratic behavior of the referee, Herr Zwayer. As Enrico mentioned in his post match interview, Herr Zwayer had repeatedly consulted the VAR official throughout the match yet on these two crucial and controversial calls, he did not. Throughout this season, referees have repeatedly consulted the VAR official on red card and penalty decisions. In fact, Herr Zwayer has only given one other penalty this season and he consulted VAR on that particular call. It is common for the referee to consult VAR on penalties and it is an absolute rarity that the referee did not. So we do not feel that pointing out his erratic behavior maligns the integrity of the referees in and of itself. Its more that Zwayer's erratic behavior on Saturday brings referees integrity as a whole into question because of his bizarre decision-making process on Saturday."

"Additionally," Mannfriedler continued. "I have pulled together analysis of VAR consultation on red cards so far this season and VAR consultation on penalty kick call generally and late game penalty calls in particular if you would like to understand how erratic Zwayer's behavior was on Saturday."

"That may not be necessary, Herr Mannfriedler," Schandler said. "Throughout Herr Pucci's five seasons managing in Germany, he has been very supportive of referees. We at the DFB and in particular on the Referee Committee appreciate Herr Pucci's past support. This does mitigate his statements on Saturday."

"That is good to hear, Herr Schandler," Mannfriedler said. "Is my client going to be issued a warning?"

"Ja, Herr Mannfriedler," Schandler replied. "We are only planning on issuing a warning. His outburst on Saturday is not acceptable but because of his general good behavior we will only be issuing a warning."

"Excellent, thank you Herr Schandler," Mannfriedler said. "I do have a question for Herr Ignar." Rolf Ignar nodded his ascent for Mannfriedler to ask his question. "Can you comment on the complaint we filed concerning Herr Zwayer's behavior on Saturday?"

"All I can say today is that we have received your filing," Ignar replied. "We will be reviewing the case probably today or tomorrow."

"Would I, as general counsel to Kaiserslautern, be able to present at this hearing?" Mannfriedler asked.

"It won't be a hearing, Herr Mannfriedler," Ignar said.

"Oh? So this is not an open process? There will be no accountability in terms of review of his behavior? For clarification, how would we, Kaiserslautern, know that our complaint has been adequately reviewed? As I mentioned earlier, I have documentation that shows how erratic Herr Zwayer behaved on Saturday."

"No, there is no club representation at referee complaint reviews," Ignar said.

"How can we ascertain that our complaint was given a fair hearing, Herr Ignar?" Mannfriedler countered. "How can clubs in general know that the process of reviewing complaints against referee behavior is beyond reproach and that the clubs can have confidence on the DFB's impartiality and that the process is open and accountable?"

"Are you accusing the DFB of something, Herr Mannfriedler?" Herr Schandler said.

"Are you unable or unwilling to answer my questions?" Mannfriedler said. "I believe that accountability and openness are crucial factors in reviewing any complaints. This is a crucial concept in judicial fairness. As the DFB are judge and jury in cases of referee misbehavior, how can the clubs have confidence in your process?"

"You have been before us representing other Kaiserslautern managers, Herr Mannfriedler," Schandler said. "You clearly understand how the DFB functions. We are here to discuss Herr Pucci's warning for his comments on Saturday, this is not the forum for discussing how we review referee complaints."

"Where can I pursue my questions?" Mannfriedler asked.

"Please contact me," Schandler replied.

"Thank you," Mannfriedler said.

"That concludes this disciplinary hearing for Enrico Pucci's comments after the Kaiseralautern-Bayern match," Schandler concluded. "Thank you all for your time."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 19 February 2024

1:31pm

"Sören," I said as I knocked on the Managing Director's door. "I didn't notice your email this morning."

"Ja, I think I know the one you're talking about," Sören Oliver Voigt said. "Come in."

"Why?"

"The board evaluated the number of coaches and scouts you have and decided you have too many."

"Seriously?"

"Ja, Enrico," Sören said.

"Nobody talked to me."

"Clearly not. If they would have, you would have lobbied for more."

"Did anyone talk to Olaf?" I asked. "Ask his opinion about how we have one scout for South America and none in North America? How we barely even scout in Eastern Europe? Honestly, I could use two more scouts not one less."

"They've made up their minds," he said.

"Are they going to start undercutting me at every turn now?" I asked. "I f***ing got them back into the f***ing Bundesliga on a f***ing shoestring budget, bunch of entitled morons."

"I understand you are unhappy, Enrico," Sören said. "We will get an opportunity this spring to request more coaches and scouts."

"I'm sorry, I hope you don't think I'm taking this out on you," I apologized.

"No, Enrico, I'm on your side," Sören said.

"Alright, thanks, I'll see you later."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Tuesday, 20 February 2024

3pm

"Ciao, Enrico."

"I have good news for a change," Agnieszka Tobiasz-Kolodziej said.

"Ooh, I'm so excited. Do tell ..."

"Avdo Spahic is ready to rejoin the squad for regular training sessions."

"That's awesome!"

"Ja, good news for once."

"Thanks. See you tomorrow, Agnieszka."

"Wiedersehn."

"Ciao."

Click.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Wednesday, 21 February 2024

9:47am

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a figure walking back towards the Fritz-Walter. Avdo Spahic was leaving the training session. He was holding an ice pack to his neck.

"F***," I groaned.

I jogged over to talk to the goalkeeping coaches.

"Terrible luck," Wolfgang Wimmer said.

"His neck?" I asked.

"Ja, strained his neck jumping to catch a high ball," he said. "Terrible luck."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Another miserable day for Fußball. Cold drizzle but thankfully no wind.

Matty Longstaff continues as defensive midfield. Rene Klingenburg partners Marlon Ritter in the middle of the park.

Hoffenheim had lost three of the last four. We're on a poor run, too.

This match had bore draw written all over it and both teams really delivered.

We couldn't score and they hardly attacked.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Monday, 26 February 2024

11:48am

"You want to f***ing know?" Jörg replied, setting his fork down.

"Ja, I think that's why I asked," I said.

"I'll f***ing tell you how we break out of our f***ing scoring drought," he said. "We grind out a f***ing nil-nil draw at f***ing Freiburg and then we f***ing play f***ing Union Berlin. Thats how we f***ing break out of our scoring drought."

"He's got a point," Ulf Kirsten said, gesturing with his knife. "They're rock bottom."

"Disastrous season," Thomas Hengen added. "I don't think they've won this calendar year."

"I figured you'd be here," Sören Oliver Voigt said as he walked up with his lunch tray.

"Here we are," I said. "Did you get the schnitzel? Its really good."

"I got soup," he replied as he sat. "but I heard back from Jakob Mannfriedler."

"Ahh," I said. "And?"

"I'll have to summarize and paraphrase," Sören said. "It was rather long. The DFB Referee Committee is not transparent or accountable. They would not acknowledge that our evidence we submitted or was considered. Our complaint was dismissed."

"F***ers," I said. "I'm not surprised, though. Its like DFB headquarters radioed in to Zwayer to instruction him that Bayern are supposed to get all the points. How's the soup?"

"Oh, its nice," Sören said. "Really nice."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 1 March 2024

9:32am

"Enrico?" Matej Mach said as he hobbled over.

"Oh, no, what's wrong?" I said.

"Its the new boots," he said.

"Did you switch boot sponsor?" I asked.

"I did."

"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to do it during the middle of the season?"

"Um, no?" Matej replied.

"Well, hard lesson learned," I said. "For the love of all things fußball, take them off and go see ATK."

"Okay, Enrico. I will."

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Its spring. It feels like spring. Its a lovely day for Fußball.

Freiburg are in poor form. They've lost their last two matches to Schalke and Hertha Berlin. We really need a victory today.

Julian Niehues returns to the line-up so Matt Longstaff moves into central midfield and pushes Rene Klingenburg to the bench.

Billy Arce had our first chance in the 9th minute but the angle was bad and it was a relatively easy block for their keeper.

Freiburg cleared the resulting corner and raced into our end forcing Julian Krahl to make a nice save.

We shot and shot and shot -- our xG of 2.19 indicated we created plenty of chances. They crossed and crossed and crossed -- 34 in total. Neither method was effective.

Every one of my attacking players all got their chances. Boris Tomiak even had two free headers on corners. They all wasted them. Ulf Kirsten spent most of the match groaning, slumped on the bench, often with his hands covering his face.

They got the ball in the back of the net soon after the restart, but we were saved by VAR. The VAR official ruled the goal offsides.

I replaced Longstaff with Oliver Batista-Meier in the 61st. Maybe Oliver might score if he got into position.

I took Billy off for Harry Chapman in the 67th.

I sent Muhammed Kiprit on in the 79th minute hoping he might provide the magic we needed. In the 85th, Shakur Omar found Muhammed with a brilliant 30m pass, but Muhammed's shot ... like everyone else's today ... missed the target.

When Marlon Ritter put the ball in the back of the net in the 87th, I knew it wouldn't count. The assistant ref had his flag up.

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Saturday, 2 March 2024

9ish pm

"I have a question," Gwen said as she examined her wine and wine glass.

"Shoot," I suggested.

"Aren't you three-quarters of the way through the season now?"

"Um ... uh ... yeah, I think you're right," I said.

"So why are you so tense, so wound up? You're safe from relegation, yeah?"

"Yeah, you've got a point," I said. "I guess this is still Type Two fun. Still in the suffering phase."

"Why?"

"Good question."

"Good evening Gwen, how are you, Enrico," the waiter said as he walked up. We chatted for a bit and ordered our dinner.

"You raise a good point," I said. "I really don't know how to answer."

"Kaiserslautern are in 8th place," Gwen said. "Was your goal to avoid relegation?"

"Well ... yeah ... it was ... urm ... is," I stuttered. "I guess I really want to achieve the impossible and get this club into Europe."

"Is the club ready for it?"

"No. More specifically, and maybe this is what you're asking, the squad isn't."

"You don't want to overstretch, do you? Bite off more than you can chew?"

"Oh, one thing that worries me," I said. "The board cut a scout and a coach position. Its not that I need to fire anyone right now, but I'm taking it a bit personally. Finances are fine. It doesn't make sense. The board didn't really give me an explanation of why the cut the positions."

"That's not a big deal, is it?"

"It is in this sense; are they going to pinch every penny? The club is no longer in financial straits, why do this now? Are they going to give me tiny transfer and payroll budgets for next year? Am I going to have to throw a temper tantrum to get what I want?"

"But you got everything you wanted at Lazio," she said.

"Exactly," I replied. "

 

[Enrico Pucci]

Friday, 8 March 2024

1pm

"So you face Köln tomorrow, what are your thoughts?" Niklas Boll asked.

"Yet another test of where we are as a squad," I said. "They're in fourth, we're in eighth. They've won three of the last four, we're on a poor run ... no wins in four. So we're going to drive the bus over to Köln and face them and their committed supporters. Its a loud, lovely stadium. This should be a good match."

"Do you think Shakur Omar should be in contention for the NxGn award?" Jakob Böttcher asked.

"For sure," I said. "He's been brilliant and clearly he's an outstanding young talent. We're really happy to have him. Awards like these don't come around all that often."

"Silvere Ganvoula has been one of Köln's best players this season," Niklas said. "What are your thoughts on him and how do you think you can stop him?"

"Ja, Köln would be worse off without him," I said.

"Would you talk about Billy Arce's impact against Köln?" Florian Carre asked.

"We rely on Billy's creativity on our wing," I said. "As you know, we play a single winger. Our winger attacks their weaker fullback whipping in crosses for Shakur or our center forward. The combination of our winger and fullback causes overloads on whichever side he plays and its critical to our success."

"Might you spring a tactical surprise or two tomorrow?" Jakob asked.

"Like I'd tell you, Jakob," I said, smirking. "We always seek to adapt to the match as it goes along to shore up any breaches or exploit any weaknesses."

"You're at 35 points," Dennis Friedel said. "Would you talk about your point haul so far and safety from relegation?"

"Ja, I think the last team to get relegated with more points than us was back in ... uh ... 2014?" I replied. "They had 37. So, ja, I think we're safe. So where do we go from here? We have nine matches last including tomorrow's. I'm not okay with going on vacation early. I would like to strive for a European spot. Is that too much for us? I don't know, we'll find out. Köln and Dortmund are two tough matches. Can we get any points? But we also face Union Berlin, Nürnberg, Bayer Leverkusen and Stuttgart and ... um ... Wolsburg? Ja, I think Wolfsburg are below us in the table. Can we beat those clubs? In the last few seasons 55 to 58 points were enough to get into Europe. That's 20 points in the last 9 matches. We have 27 points to play for. How well can we do?"

 

[Enrico Pucci]

We drive up north to Köln into a packed to the brim Müngersdorfer Stadion now with the corporate sponsored monkiker of Rhein Energie Stadion. Five thousand Roten Teufel are packed into a corner.

Jean Zimmer hasn't been all that good lately so Neco Williams gets the start. Billy Arce is in the same boat so Harry Chapman starts. We'll have a British right flank. I hope to jump start Marlon Ritter so he's on the bench for Oliver Batista-Meier. Additionally, I'm hoping Muhammed Kiprit will break out of his slump today.

So much hoping, so little delivered.

From the kick-off, we made three passes and the Oliver launched a 35m pass over the top for Matty Longstaff. He perfectly controls the pass without breaking stride and races in on goal!

He smashes his shot into the keeper and it deflects off him and out for a corner.

H0ly s***, man. If Matty had any scoring touch he could have 6 goals since his signing but he just cannot buy a goal. Sadly, his work with Ulf Kirsten has not paid off, yet.

Both my wing backs were booked inside 5 minutes because Köln knew the scouting reports and were trying to exploit our flanks.

In the 15th, history repeated itself. Oliver plays Matty in and the keeper blocks his blast out for a corner.

In the 20th, Matty plays a pass up towards Shakur Omar and he out-muscles and forces yet another good save from their keeper.

Three great chances and we're only 20 minutes in!

Then its the Julian Krahl show. Inside 5 minutes, he's saved us twice from horrific defending. Each time Boris Tomiak was totally at fault. Jörg was up and off the bench bellowing at Tomiak to wake up.

In the 43rd, their forward beats Krahl, hits the post and the ball wobbled along the goal line. Silva clears it and we're extremely lucky.

Not long after, the ref blows three blasts and the half is over. Its 0-0 but could just as well be 3-0, 0-3, or even 3-3. Absolutely bonkers first half.

Unfortunately, we fell apart in the 48th.

Krahl played the goal kick to Mejias to his left, Josua tapped it right back to him. Their striker was running forward and I guess Krahl panicked and first timed what looked more like a desperation clearance. Unfortunately, he cleared the ball directly at a Köln midfielder.

An utterly unprepared Tomiak and Mejias did not have their strikers covered and when the Köln midfielder played the ball to the wide open striker, he slid the ball under Krahl.

1-0

In the 55th, I took off an ineffective Kiprit and brought on Marlon Ritter. Oliver moved out onto the left wing. We were now playing with two wingers and a single striker up top.

And suddenly, we could no longer string any passes together.

In the 61st, Silva did absolutely nothing to defend a run by their right-sided midfielder. I mean, they were in the same city and inside the same stadium, but that's about as close as he got to the man he was supposed to be marking. The Köln player had plenty of time and space to line up his cross and, unsurprisingly, played in the perfect cross for a tap-in.

2-0

When I uncovered my face, Jörg and Lorenzo D'Anna were both standing either side of me at the touchline bellowing at Silva.

Silva did it again in the 70th. He barely even jogged back as his man raced down the line and delivered a cross.

3-0

This kind of lack of compete is maddening. Silva is dead to me now. I'll sell him in the summer. F***ing h*ll.