The Collective View on Fulham
Press Statement - March 2014
Following on from our successful takeover from the Yank with a dodgy 1970s moustache, we are pleased to announce that the "collective" have now engaged with all factions of the club - both on and off the pitch - and we can announce our 5 point plan for the future success of this magnificent soccer institution:-
1. Felix Magath will remain as manager for the foreseeable future. We like him because his first name is the same as a cartoon cat's. He also has a funny accent. We think it might be Canadian, or perhaps Mexican.
2. Renaming of Craven Cottage to "Craven Street".
3. Each member of the "Collective" will take control of a certain function in the club.... First appointment will be an O.Grouch as Press Secretary (see attached photo).... He will be dealing with all members of the media, Sky Sports News especially, from his trash can. The BBC will not be admitted to Craven Street (name-change pending) until Mark Lawrenson is removed from MOTD. He's a bigger muppet than Big Bird.
4. Major overhaul of the playing staff in the summer. The plan will be for a first team squad consisting of 26 players - each beginning with a unique letter of the alphabet. This will be very well received back in the US. We can not rule out moves for Quagliarella, Xavi and Zouma to fill the problematic Q, X and Z positions. Ashley Young will not be considered for the Y position, for fairly obvious reasons.
5. Consultation with the major fan supporter groups to better understand how the heck a statue to Michael Jackson once sat outside of our ground..... Same plinth will be used to place a giant "tickle-me-Elmo" on for the fans to enjoy every match-day from the start of next season.
We are extremely happy with the teams performance in March, especially the 3-3 draw at Chelsea. Poor refereeing by one Andre Marriner cost us dear in that game.... He will be added to the "list".
April will be tough with three games away from home, but we expect Felix (ha ha ha) and his boys to finish the regular season strongly and push for top 8 finish in order to qualify us for the playoffs.... Once in the playoffs we will seek home-field advantage to then advance into the conference semi-finals.
God bless you all and see you all same time next week.
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