The Football Managing Mercenary

[DerbyJack]

September 2022​

10th September 2022
Premier League

Despite cruising past Hull City we follow the impressive result up with a disappointing result against recently promoted West Brom. The Baggies should once again find themselves battling to survive in the top flight but with a first half inspired victory we could only sit back and watch as Bakhtins debut goal goes unrewarded. Welcome to Newcastle.


17th September 2022
Premier League

Thankfully we bounce back in the very next game with another impressive two goal victory over what should be a European chasing, West Ham. A combination of our two Summer arrivals see's Brazilian centre-back Ely and the Russian phenom Bakhtin both find the net on our way to victory.


20th September 2022
Capital One Cup - 3rd Round

The Cup dream is once again shelved as my hopes of a reputation boosting cup win, comes to a very abrupt end following a red card to right-back Renicek. Before the young defender was sent to the back we where still chasing the game against a determined Southampton but a clumsy challenge quickly ended our fight.


25th September 2022
Premier League

Bournemouth like us have been battling to keep their heads above the water for far too many seasons to be healthy for fans and staff a like. An early, stress inducing, relegation six pointer did little to calm the nerves of either side as a late goal from promising defender Lukas, saved us from dropping an important three points.


September 2022
Premier League

Climbing just a solitary place we squeeze into the deceptively safe spot on fifteenth. With the drop zone now thankfully out of immediate sight it's easy to ignore the fact that we are still ye to hit double figures in points. Any slip ups are going to be punished severely. This season is already shaping up to be another bruising affair.

​

 

[DerbyJack]

October 2022​

2nd October 2022
Premier League

A disappointing loss at the Britannia stadium, continues our poor form on the road but the events of the game ensure the fans endure a horror show of a journey home as firstly former Toon midfielder, Oxlade-Chamberlain scores the only goal of the game with rapidly improving defender Lukas getting sent off for a rash red card with just seconds left on the clock.


15th October 2022
Premier League

Bakhtin continues to warm himself to the home faithful as he nets a goal within just five minutes of the opening whistle but the future star is given a master class in Premier League finishing by veteran striker, Harry Kane whose second half brace ensures three points for the title-chasing Spurs.


22nd October 2022
Premier League

Leeds are the club currently lumbered with the early pressure of propping up the rest of the table from the bottom as the club in Twentieth place but the former Premier League giants are certainly up for the fight as they hold us to a goalless draw at St James's Park. With impressive defensive performances like that they are certain to make a slow grind out of the drop zone.


30th October 2022
Premier League

Queens Park Rangers are one of many clubs that rejected my services over the Summer and newly appointed manager, Tolunay Kafkas has got off to a flying start, with another comfortable three points picked up from our disappointing display ensures that Rangers remain in the hunt for an unexpected spot in Europe.


October 2022
Premier League

Back down into sixteenth and once again the drop zone looms into view. With a quarter of the season now already done, the league table is already starting to take shape. It looks like we are certain to be dragged into the relegation battle but more surprisingly we are set to be joined by former giants, Liverpool. Sounds like they could do with a promising young manager adept at battling at the bottom...

​

 

[DerbyJack]

November 2022

6th November 2022
Premier League

With things going decidedly no where we repaid the favor to Manchester City as new manager, Luis Enrique continues the trend set by his compatriot Pep Guardiola by seemingly setting the club up for another disappointing and trophy less season. A goal less draw at the Etihad Stadium helped keep both teams in limbo at either end of the table.


19th November 2022
Premier League

Watford have someone managed to completely avoid the pitched battle at the foot of the table and following an efficent performance at Vicarage Road it has not hard to see why the Hornets have found themselves flying so high. An opening goal from the beast, Pandrc helped to keep us in the game and with a point to go with it.


26th November 2022
Premier League

Norwich are sitting comfortably in the middle of the table but we did our bit to drag them back into trouble as a goal from Colombian midfielder Gustavo Sandoval broke the deadlock and ensured we rounded off a solid month with an impressive three points. Until now he has made quiet progress in the ranks. Hopefully this goal could be a sign of things to come.


November 2022
Premier League

Back up to fifteenth. It seems we are destined to duke it out in the uncomfortable positions in the bottom half of the table but once again we can take some comfort in the continued failures at Liverpool. Unsurprisingly the club have dispatched manager Quique Flores with my CV quickly making its way across to Merseyside.

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[lewie100]

Please, please sign for Liverpool!

 

[AW190]

You can do better than Liverpool Even if they are better than Newcastle...

 

[DerbyJack]

I would happily take the job gents! Sorry AW190, desperate times call for desperate measures!

​

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December 2022

5th December 2022
Premier League

The month kicks off with a solid draw against Leicester. The pressure was high between both clubs with Leicester keen on making it into Europe and ourselves determined to avoid a return to the Championship. Having taken the lead we seemed set to take all three points but yet another red card ended our hopes of victory with Mahrez taking advantage. To add to the resentment the red card was later rescinded upon review. Sly Foxes.


12th December 2022
Premier League

A repeat performance awaits us in the next game as despite putting on a display worthy of the points we are frustrated once again as Southampton score a second half leveler to ensure a share of the spoils in a rare draw between the two clubs. Usually the games between the clubs at either end of the table have resulted in some one sided score-lines but for once we both cancelled each other out.


17th December 2022
Premier League

Liverpool didn't even take a second look at my application before snatching up German manager, Dieter Hecking. The former Wolfsburg and Dortmund manager has immediately set about turning the Reds season around and a six goal victory certainly laid out his intentions. A humiliating day for all involved with the Toon Army, complete with another Red card for Ely. This one however was legitimate.


21st December 2022
Premier League

Having been destroyed by Liverpool just days before we restored a small amount of pride with a creditable draw against Crystal Palace. One again we scored first blood but instead of then shipping in six goals we managed to limit ourselves to just the one as experienced striker, Bamford leveled things up just after the break.


26th December 2022
Premier League

It's certainly nice not to have Rafa Benitez calling for me to get sacked every time we play against Arsenal, with the Spaniard now taking up the England job but even without him the Gunners saw fit to make my life difficult with a comfortable two goal victory leaving us in a perilous position once more.


31st December 2022
Premier league

Rounding off a win-less month comes Huddersfield. Having been sat at the foot of the table for the greater majority of the season thus far, it seemed that the year was at least going to end with us having the opportunity of returning to winning ways but even that proved to be too much for the out of form Magpies. Relegation form is back.


December 2022
Premier League

From fragile safety to impending doom in just one month. Once again December has been cruel to the Magpies. With little to cheer about into the new year and the worst from in the league now under our belts it seems we are in for one **** of an awkward second half of the season.

​

 

[DerbyJack]

January 2023

3rd January 2023
Premier League

Having spent the entire transfer budget on a Russian teenager who is still yet to live up to his formidable price tag, I managed to skip through the entire new year transfer window without any action what so ever, however table topping Chelsea and their prolific striker, Depay gave me an unwelcome reminder of just how much strengthening this team really needs. Understandably the board were not best pleased.

7th January 2023
FA Cup - 3rd Round

The FA Cup remains as my only route of actually showing off my potential to any potential suitors and with a decidedly close match up against feeder club, Gateshead in our first cup action of the year, I made a very nervy step closer to some long awaited silverware. Despite nearly slipping up against our cross town neighbours the board bizarrely decided to force me to prolong the agony in North-East England.

15th January 2023
Premier League

With the board laying down a target for the next five matches things got off to an incredible start as we beat title holding Manchester United. An early goal from our Russian prodigy saw us shoot into the lead and we managed to cling on to all three points with some impressive defending and it didn't take long for someone to take notice of this impressive victory...

21st January 2023
Premier League

With victory over the mighty Red Devils just days before, a clash against Hull should have been easy pickings but the Tigers proved to have much more fight then Roberto Martinez's men as another early goal from Bakhtin was cancelled out just minutes later. Non the less another important point towards reaching the all important target.


24th January 2023
Premier League

For the second game in a row we threw away a crucial lead with West Ham this time riding their luck. A clinical penalty from our Icelandic veteran, Gylfi Sigurdsson should have gifted us with the perfect opportunity to reach our target already but a thumping effort in the last ten minutes saw the Hammers clinch a point. A disappointing day both on and off the pitch...

28th January 2023
FA Cup - 4th Round

We round off the month with a quick return to FA Cup action and this time make a much more efficient performance of making into the next round as we cruise past League One's Sheffiled United. The result saw us make an easy pass into the next round but certainly came at some cost...

January 2023
Premier League

With the board finally losing patience and laying down the law, we have actually started to put on the type of performances that could see us survive in the league and with the boys climbing out of the relegation zone already we could be about to finally put in some effort. We can only hope that losing our key defender doesn't bring about an end to our turn around in fortunes.

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[DerbyJack]

February 2023​

1st February 2023
Premier League

We start off the month by continuing our impressive form from last month as we cruise past Bournemouth in efficient fashion. Despite Goldanigas unfortunate injury the defence remains solid as they keep the Cherries at bay following an opening goal from youth product Luke Nicholson. With that the target was smashes, however the board remained worryingly quiet...


5th February 2023
Premier League

Despite the board apparently either not caring or simply forgetting that they had even set me a target the boys still put on a performance that would help keep me in the job as a first half demolition job proves to be enough to keep fellow relegation fighting West Brom at bay. As it turns out the board merely ignored our previous meeting, content to keep me in employment with another season still to run on my contract.


11th February 2023
Premier League

With things now back to normal and my job at St James's Park seemingly secured for the time being, the results soon turned back to their disappointing norm as Stoke City cruise to a comfortable victory, with fans and players a like quickly getting an unwelcome does of reality. Welcome back to the real world.


18th February 2023
FA Cup - 5th Round

The club and their board that set me numerous targets in my brief tenure at the club return to add to my troubles as they send me packing from my final opportunity at silverware with ease thanks to on loan Gunner and future England star, George Wassmer. Something tells me my current employers might be regretting their care free attitude towards my tenure at the club.


26th February 2023
Premier League

Rounding off the month and turning the form book back inside out was a surprising victory over former title winners, Tottenham. Spurs have rapidly fallen from grace following Pocchetinos departure from the club and a solitary goal just before the break from Bakhtin ensured the clubs title victory remained a seemingly long forgotten memory.


February 2023
Premier League

Despite convincing losses to both Stoke and Leicester in the League and the FA Cup respectively the club has built on their strong turn around last month and now sits pretty in fifteenth place. With the boys pulling out two clinical victories against both United and Spurs in two months they're finally showing just what they are capable of.

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[Death Ball]

Good turn of form to save your job. It seems your players like your manager. When there's a board ultimatum they turn on the performances. That's a good thing. Now's the question: why they didn't do as well before. What's your squad personality?

 

[DerbyJack]

Its genuinely the only time they seem to be able to string together any results. At least it makes a pleasant change from my previous teams but it sure if frustrating. In all honesty I have no idea what kind of personality they have!

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March 2023

1st March 2023
Premier League

Another victory keeps the relegation dog-fight at bay as we push Leeds United closer to danger at Elland Road. As it stands however the former English giants proved to be their own worst enemies in the cruelest of fashions as their Chilean defender, Roco smashes a scuffed clearance into his own net, gifting us the victory.


4th March 2023
Premier League

Queens Park Rangers have developed into a club thoroughly set on making a break into the European scene but a goalless draw between the both of us at St James's Park seemed to ensure that the rapidly rising club would be frustrated for one more season as the Europa League spots seemingly slip out of reach with just a handful of games remaining.


12th March 2023
Premier League

With no Pep at the helm. Manchester City seem to be playing with less pressure mounting a long awaited title challenge for the first time in years. Unfortunately for the Citizens they have come up against the rampant Diego Simeone and his determined Chelsea but a one goal victory ensured the blue side of Manchester atleast had a slim chance at returning to the top of the pack.


18th March 2023
Premier League

A two goal defeat to Norwich rounds off the month and reminds the club just how close they are to being pulled into a relegation battle with just two months remaining. You would have fought the boys would have been brawling every last point. Apparently not. Its at times like this I wish Ajax had taken a gamble on me. I should be living it up in Amsterdam right now.


March 2023
Premier League

Despite just a solitary victory saving this month, we remain in those safe positions just above the drop zone but with one game in hand we could soon find ourselves flung back into danger. Despite the threat it seems Premier League survival is most certainly well within our reach. I need to get my CV ready for another job hunting pre-season.

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[Athers365]

As I mentioned before I am really enjoying this story! It has inspired me to start my own journeyman career, I set my profile as regional player with a decent coaching badge I managed to get the Wigan job and guide them to promotion! Need 4 points from final 3 games to be champions!

Hope you’re still going with this save

 

[PatrickLFC]

Likewise, I hope this will continue Jack!

 

[DerbyJack]

Really sorry guys, As much as I probably should be realizing that I'm embarrassingly bad at this game and will probably not even come close to my aim, I am still doing this career. Unfortunately being an unorganized fool, I went on holiday last week, without saying a word. Sorry!

Thanks for sticking with me...again.

Appreciate the kind words, Athers and Patrick. Always means a lot to have your comments and best of luck with Wigan!

​

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April 2023

1st April 2023
Premier League

The penultimate month gets back under way in superb fashion as the most expensive Russian in footballing history bags a brace to send us comfortably past Watford. The Hornets have been performing way beyond expectations this season but a red card proved to be just enough to help guide us past the Londoners and back into winning ways.


8th April 2023
Premier League

That winning feeling lasts just one week as we are quickly brought back down to earth with a humbling defeat at the hands of Southampton. The Saints are deep into a European chasing season, with the club tantalizing close to securing a spot in the Champions League following some sensational form. A comfortable victory continues their impressive run.


15th April 2023
Premier League

I've made no secret of my resentment for the club that nearly singlehandedly ended my career in humiliating fashion and the Foxes seem to love rubbing salt into the wound. A three goal whitewash was only spared thanks to a soft penalty just before the half-time whistle as I'm sent back up North with my tail between my legs.


26th April 2023
Premier League

With things going predictably poorly in the last two months a fixture against Liverpool should have added to our woes but the former English giants are a shadow of their former selves with managers coming in and out of Anfield on a regular basis and the club seemingly gliding into obscurity more and more as time goes on. I still can't get a look in for the job though...


29th April 2023
Premier League

If there was one set of fixtures every season that I could guarantee we would lose, its the dreaded matches against Arsenal. The Gunners are quickly becoming my most loathed side, narrowly behind former club Leicester and with their French youngster Theobold Lutz bagging a brace they ensured my resentment would continue to grow.


April 2023
Premier League

With the defeats gradually taking over the month, the boys once again returning to their disappointingly below par selves and the whole of Newcastle begrudgingly settling down for yet another season balancing precariously above the relegation zone, we head into the final month needing just a point to ensure our safety....It sure is thrilling at St James Park.

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[Godfish93]

C'mon mate, bring those final points home in style!

 

[DerbyJack]

I'll do my best Godfish! Thanks!​

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May 2023

6th May 2023
Premier League

The final month of the season gets underway with the club securing their place in the league for yet another season with a fortunate point over Crystal Palace. An own-goal ensured Bournemouth would wrap up the final relegation spot and kept the club securely in their usual position floating awkwardly above the drop zone for the third season in a row.


21st May 2023
Premier League

With nothing to play for in the final game of the season the club still manage to put on one **** of a display for the travelling fans as they pull of a dramatic late comeback to secure a point against Huddersfield. Former England prodigy Marcus Rashford and Argentinian winger Tocalli combine in the final few minutes of the game to send the fans home with pride intact.


May 2023
Premier League

For yet another season in a row, we find ourselves in sixteenth place in the league as the club once again struggles to make an impact in the league with a stressful, demoralising and all too familiar relegation battle once again dominating the entire season. It would be good to one day make some progress... one day.

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[Raaritsgozilla]

Hopefully some decent signings over the break will ensure an improved 2024! Plus, you still have your job

 

[osullm]

I love this story for its honesty! Too many of the stories on here seem to be a little too perfect. This is awesome and I am looking forward to seeing who you can get in the off-season to try and get to midtable security.

 

[DerbyJack]

Too true Raar! It's not all doom and gloom!

Thanks osullm, its good to know there are some benefits for being one of the worst players of the game. Thanks again for the support!
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---

It's safe to say that I want out.

With nearly half a decade under my belt at Newcastle, I've seemingly peaked following the clubs predictable promotion back into the top flight and now wallow at the foot of the Premier League with neither myself and the club making any kind of headway of late.

With a slight hint of desperation, I once again flung my CV across Europe...

A quieter season in the managerial round-a-bout but non the less I do manage to put my name into the running for three clubs throughout Europe as I look to spread my wings and try and reinvigorate my career on foreign shores.
Given my complete failure of a job hunt last season, I'm not going to be taking anything for granted as I can only sit back and hope that I can soon reach the heights of these three men...

Joachim Low	Laurent Blanc	Diego Simeone
Barcelona	Real Madrid	Chelsea
£94,000 per week	£93,000 per week	£91,000 per week

​

Joachim maintains his new found spot at the top of the standings, as he leads Barcelona to the top of the Liga BBVA ahead of his league rival, Real Madrid manager, Laurent Blanc.

The Frenchman is in serious danger of late, with his Galacticos seemingly falling apart at the seams. A third place finish in the league combined with an appalling Champions League campaign ensures the former Paris St German manager will be in for one **** of a tense season.

For the ever improving Diego Simeone, it was another season of impressive growth as he completes a domestic triple, with the Premier League, FA Cup and Community Shield all safely stowed in the Chelsea trophy cabinet, all helped by our former Belgian prodigy, Dequevy.

With the former Newcastle striker, picking up more winners medals in one season that I have managed to amass in an entire career, its safe to say I'm not exactly thrilled at the prospect of another season at St James's Park...

Derby Jack

Newcaslte United

£20,500 per week

...With my bags once again packed and ready to go at a moments notice I set about waiting for the responses to come flooding back in. However it seems that I'm doomed to remain locked in the North East of England.

For the third season in a row, my name is knocked out of contention before I can even make a move towards the door.

With my achievements seemingly not even getting me in the running for even some of the smaller clubs in European competitions, I'm going to have to remain in Tyneside until I can get myself off of the ground, however there was at least some improvements upon last year

A long awaited job offer but unfortunately Belgian giants, Anderlecht failed to match up to the wages available in the Premier League, as their contract offer reaches just half of that currently given to me at Newcastle. As much as I would love to follow my heart, I can't let my money grabbing ways be forgotten...as much as it hurts.

With a Footballing CV apparently solely tailored for the bottom end of English football, its going to take a lot to turn this around...joy.
​

 

[Godfish93]

What happened with the talks with Anderlecht?

 

[DerbyJack]

Somehow Godfish I managed to completely overlook it...I guess I'm wallowing in my own misery or something. Guess I should edit that. Thanks for the heads up!

They could only offer me half the wages that I currently have. Given my self imposed rules I couldn't accept the job. Would have been nice to make the leap, even if it was only to Belgium.

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Time to unpack my bags...again.

With yet another large budget behind me in the transfer window, I could at least spread my money around in the transfer window and console myself with some more big money signings.

Before that though it was time to clear yet more space as I look to bring the club up to speed.

A busy exit at St James's Park but just four departures from the club are worth note.

Two of our leakiest defenders in the shape of Lukas Reznicek and Denis Martens are both shown the door as I look to make our back line my number one priority in the transfer window and the duo are joined by Mexican midfielder Ivan Delgado out the door. His short lived time at the club saw him remain frustrated on the bench before Red Bull Leipzig splashed their cash to end his spell at the club.

The final departure of the season saw Club Icon, Andros Townsend finally bring his spell at the club to an end. Having been instrumental in our climb back into the Premier League he eventually grew frustrated as his ability slipped below that of his team-mates with a transfer for the recently promoted Brentford gifting him with another opportunity in the twilight of his career.

From: Bayern Munich
Cost: £14.75 million​

With Andros's departure we now need a new winger on the right and in stepped our ever reliable source of young starlets, Bayern Munich. Serbian prodigy Milenkovic is more then capable of holding his own in the Premier League and a quick transfer ensured we would snap up one of the most promising listed players around.

From: Bayern Munich
Cost: £9.5 million​

Making a double raid on the Bundesliga Champions, we ****** another Eastern European star in the shape of Dinko Zugaj and the Croation International should finally ensure that I have a right back who can handle the best of the Premier League's wingers. A solid tackle and the strength of an Ox should see him enforce himself on the top flight with ease.

From: Tigres
Cost: £6.25 million

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With defence being my main focus, I was hopeful of finding some more then ready replacements in the transfer window but once again I was to be left disappointed by what awaited. Fortunately I managed to find one defender who could certainly add something to our back line the glorious sun of Mexico. Another strong tackler to add to our back line.




Not a bad transfer window by any means.

Three strong additions to the squad, the defence potentially stronger then ever before and two more Easter Europeans to add to our growing collection of stars from the Balkans.

With their backing I could hopefully be in for a season that finally improves my money-grabbing reputation.

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