its christmas eve and father christmas is getting ready for another journey around the globe delivering presents. although this year he looks abit ****** off.... rudolf asks whats the matter you seem abit annoyed this year, santa replies iv had enough of wearing this ******* stupid red kit every year i feel like a c**t, rudolf turns and says well now you know how steven gerrard feels.
The Joke Thread
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Micky Pain
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In the beginning, there was only Adam in paradise.
He had a good time, eating, sleeping, playing., all was well.
One day, however, he grew bored of being alone,
So, he walked up to god and said:
"God, old fellow. I really like the paradise and all, but it's a bit lonely here.
Say, how about you create someone new, someone smart, and witty, and pretty, with a nice character, all in all, someone just like me, like my equal, but just a LITTLE different...?"
God thought about it, and replied:
"Yes, I can do that. But I need something in return"
Adam asked:
"What do you want for it?"
and god said:
"I will need one of your legs."
Adam thought about it long and hard, and finally said:
"A leg...that's a bit much to ask for. What can I get for a rib?"
He had a good time, eating, sleeping, playing., all was well.
One day, however, he grew bored of being alone,
So, he walked up to god and said:
"God, old fellow. I really like the paradise and all, but it's a bit lonely here.
Say, how about you create someone new, someone smart, and witty, and pretty, with a nice character, all in all, someone just like me, like my equal, but just a LITTLE different...?"
God thought about it, and replied:
"Yes, I can do that. But I need something in return"
Adam asked:
"What do you want for it?"
and god said:
"I will need one of your legs."
Adam thought about it long and hard, and finally said:
"A leg...that's a bit much to ask for. What can I get for a rib?"
The Editor
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
.................................................................................................................................................................
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
.................................................................................................................................................................
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Oooooh that might not go down too well....
What did Batman say to Robbin before they got in the car?
Get in the car
:L.....I dont like it.....I have some more though
Just heard all the sick and poorly children at alder hay hospital in Liverpool are on their way with presents to anfield to cheer up the Liverpool squad
Just upset the kids they wanted to see shrek 2 but I told tem only Hello Mag and Rooney's close family were allowed to see the baby
Just heard all the sick and poorly children at alder hay hospital in Liverpool are on their way with presents to anfield to cheer up the Liverpool squad
Just upset the kids they wanted to see shrek 2 but I told tem only Hello Mag and Rooney's close family were allowed to see the baby
There was a ginger, a brunnette and a blonde, swimming to an island. The island was a mile awayThe ginger went first, and she arrived at the island.
Then the brunette went, and she too got to the island.
Then the blonde started swimming. She got half way and said, "**** I'm tired, I'm swimming back." XD
Then the brunette went, and she too got to the island.
Then the blonde started swimming. She got half way and said, "**** I'm tired, I'm swimming back." XD
Ride The Walrus
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BAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I..i think i love you XD
Won't go down well XD
What's brown and sticky? A stick
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot
A man would come home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.
When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.
He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"
A plane crash occurred yesterday or the day before on the south side of Uddevalla, Sweden.
The news media labeled it as "Uddevalla Region's Worst Air Disaster."
The local news media is reporting:
"Uddevalla region's worst air disaster ever occurred today when a Cessna 152, a small 2 seater plane, crashed into a church cemetery here early this morning."
"Håkan and Sven, working as a search and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening."
When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.
He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"
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A plane crash occurred yesterday or the day before on the south side of Uddevalla, Sweden.
The news media labeled it as "Uddevalla Region's Worst Air Disaster."
The local news media is reporting:
"Uddevalla region's worst air disaster ever occurred today when a Cessna 152, a small 2 seater plane, crashed into a church cemetery here early this morning."
"Håkan and Sven, working as a search and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening."
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