The Joke Thread

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- Hello?
- Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?
- No, Daddy. she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
- But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.
- Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy.
- 'Uh, okay then, put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.
- Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.
- I did it, Daddy.
- And what happened, honey?
- Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!
- Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?
- He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, and I think he's dead.
- Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731!?
 
Steven Hawkins got taken ill earlier, they didn't know weather to take him to A&E or pc world
 
Your mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders was ending.
 
There were ugly scenes in manchester tonight !

Tevez and Lescott got spotted in a bar XD

---------- Post added at 11:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:19 PM ----------

Mike said:
Your mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders was ending.
Click to expand...
thats quality
 
A robber with a shotgun bursts into a bank and shouts at the teller 'Give me all your money!!!!'

The teller does so quickly, as the robber goes to leave he turns to a man at the desk and asks 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replies 'Yes sir I did', the robber blows the mans head off killing him. He then turns to a married coupled in the corner and asks the same question the married man replies ' No sir I did not, but my Wife did!'
 
i know you cant find platform 9 and a three quarters, but ive got something of the same specifics
 
A blonde a brunette and a redhead are in a lift at work. While looking at the wall the redhead notices a stain on the wall, she points it out and says 'That looks like *****' The brunette looks at the stain and goes over to smell it and says 'It smells like *****' The blonde then moves towards the stain and licks it and says 'Well it's noone in our office!!'
 
I slept like a baby last night.

In my own ****.
 
Warning: I do not intend to be disrespectful to those who were involved in the incident.

There has been an early break through in the Togo team bus attack. With over 500 shots fired and only 3 on target, police have arrested Emile Heskey.

------------------------

A song that i heard while walking to the match today:
Adebayorr Adebayoooooooorrr he would of been deaad, if he sat by the doooor. (8)
 
sunderland danny that was brilliant

A woman wrote on facebook, men should be like kleenex, soft strong and disposable"
I saw this and thought it was complete nonsense, so i wrote back and said,
" Women should be like wetwipes, moist, hygenic and sterile
 
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The seven dwarfs are in Rome and using their connections they are able to organise a meeting with the Pope.

The Pope asks the dwarfs why they have come to see him. Grumpy moves forwards and asks the Pope 'Your holiness are their any midget nuns in the Vatican?' The Pope shocked by this answers 'No their are none in the Vatican', as he answers the other 6 dwarfes start sniggering, however Grumpy casts them an angry look at they stop immediatley.

Grumpy then asks 'Are their any midget nuns in Italy?. Once again the Pope answers no and again the other 6 dwarfes start to snigger but stop when Grumpy looks at them. Grumpy then asks ' are their any midget nuns in the world?'. The Pope answers'No Grumpy their are none in the world', with this answer the other dwarfes break down with laughter and start chanting:

'GRUMPY SHAGGED A PENGUIN, GRUMPY SHAGGED A PENGUIN'

---------- Post added at 11:43 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:37 PM ----------

Two sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other ' Its hot in here aint it?' The other replies '******* **** a talking sausage!!!!'
 
I have a famous Welsh town's name tattooed to my ***** to accommodate its length.

Rhyl.
 
why did the woman have two black eyes?

Because she didnt listen the first time (6)
 
Something similar to the above joke:

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.
 
Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has said he wants to bring in a few new faces in the January Transfer Window, Tevez asked "Can I have one?"
 
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Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
 
One day, a Burnley fan was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.

The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every Blackburn supporter in the world will receive double what you asked for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" Poof ! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every Blackburn fan in the world has been given two Ferrari's," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and Poof! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every Blackburn fan in the world is two million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the Burnley fan. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
 
Katie Price and Alex Reid have "tied the knot in Vegas".

Hopefully it was around their necks.
 
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