The Joke Thread

[CJ]

Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. ******* typical, all the windows are boarded up and some ***** nicked all the ******* chocolate.

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I've just been given a six months suspension from football.

I caught an opponent with a tackle which actually broke both his legs. I'll admit the tackle was a bit late.

He was getting in to his car at the time

 

[goonergun435]

Whats black,white and red all over

a nun in a blender

 

[Reggaezal]

Q: What if Titus Bramble is arrested for rape?

A: I dont know but one thing's for sure, his defence will be ****.

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Breaking news BBC - 'Bramble arrested over rape claim'

Reporter: To be fair, the poor guy has been raped every week through his whole career.

 

[The Bath Manager]

A man comes home one day and his girlfriend has packed her suitcases,
She said "I'm leaving you, I've been told your a paedophile!"
The man replied "Ooooohhhh, paedophile, thats a big word for a 9 year old!"
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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

 

[ChrisDCFC]

A man comes home one day and his girlfriend has packed her suitcases,
She said "I'm leaving you, I've been told your a paedophile!"
The man replied "Ooooohhhh, paedophile, thats a big word for a 9 year old!"
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dodgy mate <)<)<)


whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

a hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

 

[Irish Scouse]

Josef Fritzl - Taking the 'the' out of psychotherapist since 1967

 

[CJACKO11]

If the Tax man ends up owning Liverpool FC, does that mean that the whole club will be on the Social as well as their fans?

 

[Ride The Walrus]

If the Tax man ends up owning Liverpool FC, does that mean that the whole club will be on the Social as well as their fans?

Fail.

2 guys sat in a bar,

Guy 1 says " I can have any woman I want in here"

Guy 2 says "Really How?"

Guy 1 says "Cause, I'm a Rapist"

 

[Irish Scouse]

There's a new Barbie on the market. It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm and with Aids.

It's called Zimbarbie.

 

[Stann]

A man calls the National Rape Helpline and says;
"I've got her pinned down, what do I do next?"

 

[Mike]

Tough game for Liverpool on the weekend.

Football.

 

[Deleted member 79730]

You know the weather's good when you look outside and there isn't a ginger in sight.

 

[Stann]

You know the weather's good when you look outside and there isn't a ginger in sight.

I take offence to this.

 

[LP94]

The Bristol city squad went to visit a South African orphanage this week. It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope , constantly struggling and facing the impossible " said Jamal Umboto , aged six !

Kieth Millen has just been caught driving through Ashton with a can of Blackthorne in one hand & not wearing a seat belt...whilst continuously beeping his horn. Police pulled him over to arrest him. A spokesman for the club said he will do anything for 3 points at the moment.

Bristol City have announced their new signing...

He's from Korea and called Lee Gwan.

 

[Mike]

What does an 80 year old woman have between her **** that a 20 year old woman doesnt?

A belly button.

 

[Gooner_Jay_96]

You know the weather's good when you look outside and there isn't a ginger in sight.

I take offence to this.

as do i.

 

[Jack Fulham]

If you're going to take offence to something, the joke thread is really not the place for you.

 

[Irish Scouse]

"News : '74 Year Old Man Clubbed To Death'.


Wow, what a party animal! "

"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?"


"We should greet the Chilean Miners dressed up as the "Planet of the Apes". "

"I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters. "

"Since Michael Jackson's death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith. "

---------- Post added at 12:20 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:14 AM ----------

"I've got a new job in which I get to deal with the disadvantaged, underprivileged and those with severe mental disabilities.

I'm a match-day programme seller at newcastle united "

 

[The Bath Manager]

"I've got a new job in which I get to deal with the disadvantaged, underprivileged and those with severe mental disabilities.

I'm a match-day programme seller at newcastle united "

Yehh, i heard a similar one,

I've got a new job, where I get to help a man with a mental illness, No food, No money and unable to do anything for himself!
Im the new assistant manager at Celtic

 

[goonergun435]

What happens when chelsea win the prem

Loads of people turn off their ps3s and go to bed