The Joke Thread

  • Thread starter Thread starter John
  • Start date Start date
  • Replies Replies 2K
  • Views Views 202K
Man goes into a bar and sees a gorgeous lady stood by the bar. He makes a beeline for her.

"Hello love. I want to fill your ravishing ***** with Stella and then drtink it dry."

Taken aback, the woman nudges her husband, who is stood next to her and says "Did you hear that! Are you going to sort him out?!!"

The husband replies: "No chance. Anyone who can drink that much Stella I am not messing with!"

---------- Post added at 01:06 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:05 AM ----------

There was a vampire called Mable,
Whose periods were heavy but stable,
At the height of full moon,
And with a silver spoon,
She drank herself under the table.
 
I man walks into a spanish resturant,
the waitress come's up to him and ask's him what he want's,
The man say's i'll have what you recomend,
she comes back in 15 minutes with two massive balls
he really enjoys them.
he comes back the next day and orders the same,
there are two little things on a plate
he go's over to complain,
the manager say's "the man doesnt win all the time".
 
A bloke goes to pick up his car from the garage. He walks up to the mechanic, and asks if it has been fixed.
"No, sorry, I couldn't fix your brakes."
"So, what the **** have you done?" asks the bloke, looking shocked.
The Grease Monkey replies - "I made your horn louder"
 
I'll try one joke, I'm not sure if I wrote correct all. So:

Mike meets up with one man, asking him what is your name?
He says: "I'll tell you if you will not laugh."
Mike: "I promise to not laugh."
He says: "My name is John *******."
Mike: "hahahahahahhahaha. so why are not you change your name? otherwise, all people you met will be laughing at you name."
John: "Can I really do that?"
Mike: "Yes, of course. just go to the police and said what you want and you will change the name."

After a week, John came all happy and says Mike: I changed the name :D
Mike: "And, what is your name now?"
- "Peter *******"
 
I dont think I could stand having no legs!

---------- Post added at 02:49 AM ---------- Previous post was yesterday at 12:51 PM ----------

‎"Now that doesn't look like a foot"

Thought the sock
 
0533.jpg
 
Santa says to his elf, "I'm getting ****** off with this. Every year I put

this stupid red outfit on, do all the work and end up with **** all".

The elf replies, "Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels"
 
Santa goes to Somalia to see how the little kids are doing. he sees they're skinny so he askes one of the reindeers 'how come they're so skinny'. So the reindeer replies it's because they hardly ever eat. Then Santa turns his back on the kids and says 'children that won't eat anything won't get a present either'
 
Racy joke
I heard Princess Diana got an Xbox 360 the other day. It's a shame she never plays any games, though; she's always on the dashboard.
 
I just heard Arsene Wenger lost his dog today, somebody better phone him up to give him some advice on how to hold on to a lead!
 
Lost my job the other day, i was gutted, 8 month's of blood, sweat and tear's down the pan. Iv'e been a nightmare to be around, the stress of being unemployed is getting to me and my family, my wife is furious and has threatened to take the kid's and leave if i don't get my act together.

Apparantly being England boss on Football Manager isn't a "real job".
 
Black man goes into a doctors and says
'doctor doctor i cant stop running', doctor looks at him and says
'ive got the exact cure for this'
doctor then puts out and line of white powder and asks the black man to sniff it.
black man sniffs it and says 'hey it worked what is it coke'
doctor replys 'no its daz, stops colours from running'!!!
:D:D:D:D
i crack myself up
 
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell **** cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"
 
A little boy asks his mum '' what is called when two people sleep together and one of them is on top of the other'' the mum decided she should tell her child the truth so says '' that is called sexual intercourse'' the boy then leaves and comes back, '' two people sleeping on top each other isn't called sexual intercourse, it's called bunk beds and toms mum wants to speak to you '' hope I didn't mess the joke up :-)
 
Young, cold and often hundreds of miles from their real parents and family...Beaten regularly at their new home and under constant threat from a paedpophile father figure. Forced to wear embarrassing clothes as they're often taken abroad for furthur beatings...but you can help. For £45 a week you can support the unfortunate young kids at Arsenal F.C.. Make them feel that someone cares this xmas. Cheers.
 
I saw a student protester yesterday throwing milk, butter and yoghurt at a policeman, I thought how dare'ee
 
Don't read this if you're easily offended. No offence is intended anyway, it's just funny.

When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the air-plane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?
 
DMF said:
Don't read this if you're easily offended. No offence is intended anyway, it's just funny.

When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the air-plane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?
Click to expand...
Not only Muslims, almost all race does that. ;)
 
What Is The Difference Between A Person Who Is Committing Suicide And A Virgin?

One Is Trying To Die

The Other One Is Dying To Try….

---------- Post added at 09:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:33 PM ----------

Once a girl goes to learn tennis.

Girl: Sir,how to hold a racket?
Instructor: Hold the racket as if your holding your boyfriend's ****

The girl puts the racket in her mouth
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

FMBase

Beta

Resources

Back
Top