The Joke Thread

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After a talk with a tattoo artist and seeing how popular vuvuzela's were at the world cup i've decided to get the word "Vuvuzela" tattooed on my *****

Then i shall move to africa.....apparently they blow vuvuzela's for 90 minutes! :D
 
I saw this one on a chelsea dvd, their masseuse told the joke...

England are versing Scotland in a friendly. Wayne Rooney says "I can beat this mob, you guys go to the pub." So they go off. After 50 minutes they turn on the TV and check how he's going. It says England 1 Scotland 0 Rooney scored in the 40th minute. So they keep playing pool and drinking. After 90 minutes they go back to the stadium to see how he went. The scoreboard says England 1 Scotland 1, Scotland scored in the 93th minutes. They go and see how he feels. Rooney is sitting there with his head in his hands. He says "I let you down boys, I've let you down." They go "What you talking about, you got a 1-1 score with Scotland, you were playing by yourself." He says "Yeh, but I got sent off in the 60th minute."
 
Paddy is talking to Mick about his recent holiday history.

"Mick every time I go abroad the wife gets pregnant!"

Mick replies "Do explain Paddy"

Paddy explains "Well Salou 2007 she got pregnant"
"Then Again in 2008 after Cancun"
"And only last year after Lanzarote"

Mick asks "So what you gonna do this time Paddy?"

Paddy replies "I think I might take her with me this time"
 
Another don't read this if you're easily offended. I saw this on the net.

What's better than winning gold at the paralympics?
Walking
 
Hunterishness said:
After a talk with a tattoo artist and seeing how popular vuvuzela's were at the world cup i've decided to get the word "Vuvuzela" tattooed on my *****

Then i shall move to africa.....apparently they blow vuvuzela's for 90 minutes! :D
Click to expand...

twoleftfeet2 said:
Another don't read this if you're easily offended. I saw this on the net.

What's better than winning gold at the paralympics?
Walking
Click to expand...

These jokes made my morning ! :wub:
 
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his ****!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It ******* hurts doesn't it!"
 
Man arrives at the church, Today is the happiest day of his life.
He walks inside.

He looks at his wife.

He smiles.

He closes the lid.
 
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."
 
What's the difference between Rape and Murder?



My Mood.
 
A top Brazilian cider company has released its 'best ever' drink.

After a night drinking the stuff, it makes you headbutt teenagers, burst in on a fat naked lady, and you'll get kicked out of your house.

It's called Wagners.
 

Carlos Puyol has been rushed off to see the Barca doctor. He has defied all known medical knowledge after finding an irritating **** in his back pocket.....
 
Grandpa: When i was your age my momma would send me down to the store with $1 and I would come back with 5 bags of potatoes 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk a box of tea and 6 eggs

But you cant do that these days to many stupid security cameras.
 
Mourinho ask Casillas: Where is the ball?
Casillas: "I told you five times, in goal!


How Cristiano Ronaldo count to five?
- Xavi, Pedro, Villa, Villa, Jeffren.

Jose Moruinho - "The Special five"

"If I only had a girl who suck like Real"


I support Real, but this is good jokes :)
 
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Was just reading through Sickipedia and came across this;

BBC News: Lady Gaga drops Facebook for charity.

She should also think about dropping her knickers, for clarity.
 
Marko8 said:
Mourinho ask Casillas: Where is the ball?
Casillas: "I told you five times, in goal!


How Cristiano Ronaldo count to five?
- Xavi, Pedro, Villa, Villa, Jeffren.

Jose Moruinho - "The Special five"

"If I only had a girl who suck like Real"


I support Real, but this is good jokes :)
Click to expand...

These are the worst jokes in the world. oO)
 
Sepp Blatter looked gutted announcing the World Cup Bid Winner just now.

There was no money in the envelope.

----

Fifa committee - Love money

Russia - Massive oil reserves

Qatar - Massive gas reserves

England - Nectar points

D'oh!

--


At least after the 2022 World Cup, Qatar will have some cracking stadiums to stone women in.
 
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Someone has been pretending to be Mr T by using a similar name, but no-one knows his real identity.

It's a Mr E.
 
I've just been kicked off Jeremy Kyle for ruining his show.

I told the truth.

Sickipedia ftw.
 
ravenie said:
I've just been kicked off Jeremy Kyle for ruining his show.

I told the truth.

Sickipedia ftw.
Click to expand...

You must have looked on the right hand side of the website. Rookie mistake.
 
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