The Joke Thread

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Manchester Utd midfielder Park Ji Sung has backed the campaign " A dog is not just for Christmas.
" He said it's just as good for sandwiches on Boxing Day ".
 
"my wife told me too go out and get her something that would make her look sexy for christmas, she was shocked when I came back with 12 cans of Stella".
 
The diary of Hermione Granger age 14

Wednesday : 10:30pm
Can't sleep & very bored.
All I have to keep myself occupied is this magic wand thing with its stupid ****** vibrating tip and.............. hold it a second !!

Thursday
Busy

Friday
Busy

Saturday
Busy
 
How many dead whores can you fit in a garage?
About two more, if I move my bike.
(Frankie Boyle.)
 
I've got a few.

A blonde suspects her husband of cheating so she buys a gun. She goes to her appartment and sees her husband in bed with another girl. Gun in hand, the blonde stares him down. She then puts the gun to her head. The husband pleads "don't do it". The blonde replies "your're next".

Three workmen are sitting on top of the empire state building, an englishman, an irishman and an american. The american says to the irishman, i bet that i can jump onto that cloud and jump back. The irishman says "no you can't". So the american does it. He says "wanna see me do it again". So he does it again. The irishman gives it a go and falls through the cloud to his death. The englishman says to the american "you can be a real ***** sometimes super-man".

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?".
 
Ok, so Santa just kidnapped me and shoved me in a big red sack! Who put me on ther Christmas list? ;)
 
simple knock knock joke

Student: Knock Knock
Friend: Come in
 
Christmas is the only time when a bearded old man is allowed to quietly creep into young children's rooms and empty his sack quickly at the foot of their bed
 
A girl tells her blond friend that Christmas Eve falls on a Friday this year. The blond replies i hope it isn't on the 13th
 
Why is Santa Claus always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

``````````
10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Woman

10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your car.
 
Girls, remember if you wake up on Christmas morning with a funny taste in your mouth.. Santa only **** once a year!! ;)
 
This is a cute one:

"I'm a PC, and Windows 7 wasn't my idea, because I'm a policeman you ****"

or...

Paije and Mary from the X Factor were going to team up to do their own rendition of "When We Collide". That would be the worst *** tape ever...
 
What have Big Sam, Paul Trollope & Ashley Peacock got in common?

Neither will be attending "The Rovers" Christmas party this year!
 
How many emos does it take to change a light bulb??

None, they all sit in the dark crying
 
FIFA blames Panorama for 2018 World Cup bid failure.

FIFA says: "England crossed the line."

Ohhh, you ******* noticed that one this time did you?
 
Kind of sick but:

What's worse than 7 babies in one bag?

1 baby in 7 bags.
 
I heard this joke the other day

Its called the FIFA voting commitee



EDIT:

Where does Osama Bin Laden keep his cd`s?

In a-raq
 
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