The Joke Thread

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doc: i have bad news and worse news. patient: what is it O_O? doc: you have 24 hrs to live. patient: omg whats worse than that? doc: i forgot to call you yesterday.
 
Fred goes to the doctors and he is called into the room by a nurse.

Fred states he has a problem and asks the nurse, called Lisa, to promise not to laugh.

"Of course not!" said Lisa. "I am a professional and in over 20 years nursing, I have never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then" replied Fred.

So Fred, bouyed by the words of Lisa, proceeded to drop his trousers and shreddies and thus revealed to Lisa the tiniest **** the nurse had ever seen. Length and width it couldn't have been any bigger than a AAA battery. It was miniscule.

Seeing this, Lisa is unable to control herself and she starts to giggle. Giggling turns to laughter and laughter to hysterics as she falls to the floor laughing her head off.

After 10 minutes she crawls back upright and, wiping away tears from her eyes, said to a crestfallen Fred "I am so sorry, I have no idea what came over me. On my honour as a nurse, I promise it wont happen again."

Now in complete control of herself she said "Ok, so appears to be the problem?"

"It's swollen" said Fred.

Lisa runs out of the room...
 
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talk to two friends, asking one another: what would you prefer to be, an intellectual or a homosexual? - homosexual. Why? It comes easier in my *** than in my head!
 
Two men on a night out,
one asks "what does the missus do then?"
man replies "well to be honest its quite hard too say"
"come on mate tell me"
fella replies "She sells sea shells on the sea shore"

|)
 
I got a phone call last night to say that my wife had been in an accident.

I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse, "How is she, can I see her?"

She said, "I'm afraid you're too late",

I said, "Ok no worries, I'll come back in the morning".

-----

XD ***** got pwned.
 
Dont read if you are easily offended *hopes spoiler works*

i just lost my job as a lifeguard at my local swimming pool. apparently tapping the no bombing sign when a family of muslims walk past. isnt acceptable.
 
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks "is your date running late?" "no" he replied, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it".

The Intrigued woman says " A state of the art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me" he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asks, he replied "well it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replied "well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!", the exclaims "**** this thing must be an hour fast".
 
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,
"P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

---------- Post added at 02:46 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:23 AM ----------

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a *****."
 
I always find a good wank is spoilt when I am watching a woman ********** on Pornhub and then a man arrives and joins in.

"**** off Dad and watch your own ****!" I said.
 
My local butcher died the other day. He was in the big walk-in freezer and a side of beef fell off of the top shelf and killed him.

Some say that the steaks were too high
 
When my girlfriend told her friends she was going to grab a box of tissues and head off to bed, she got sympathy. When I said that, I got disgust.

Sickipedia.org :3
 
what do you call a paki elvis impersonator? Amal Shukup

---------- Post added at 09:26 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:25 PM ----------

what do you call a paki in a skip? Rumajin
 
Liverpool thinkin they should be in the champions league, thats the funniest joke ive heard
 
Santa Claus:

1. Wears red.
2. He's good at breaking into peoples' houses.
3. He has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace.
4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle.
5. Only does one day's work a year.

Forget Lapland, Santa's a scouser!
 
Don't read if easily offended


My wife's a beast when we have ***.
She's a beast when she's cooking.
She's a beast when she's doing almost anything...

...Due to her severe facial deformities.
 
Darren Fletcher’s house was, apparently, robbed by the same Liverpool-based gang that targeted a number of footballers recently. A spokesman said: “Well, its the only way you’ll ever see a Premier League winners medal in Merseyside.”

livchamp.jpg
Equals
sleep1.jpg


Not that I have anything against Liverpool its just that....
Watching them play on t.v makes me want to fall asleep

Would All Angry Scousers Please Direct Their Fury At Darren Fletchers Part In All This Rather Than Mine....
Thank You :)
 
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Fothermucker said:
Don't read if easily offended or if you're a conservative:

What's all the fuss about david cameron trying to raise uni fees? The last thing he tried to raise died at the age of 6.
Click to expand...
[/*spoiler]

Put those in mate on the tag line
** just remove the * in the second one and it will hide it until people click
 
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