The Joke Thread

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Somewhere, sitting in his living room, a man named Colin ****** tearfully realises that his name is an anagram of Neil Warnock.
 
I don't see why people get offended when you say God is a man. After getting Mary pregnant he never answered her prayers, he never sent any more angels, he left her a kid to raise and finally wanted Jesus back when he was a successful celebrity.

- Sickipedia.
 
The NEW Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor
1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor
2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor
3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking..


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor
4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor
5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor
6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
 
Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet,It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think ,its a Teabag
 
oneunited said:
roses are red, nuts are brown, skirts go up, pants go down, body to body, skin to skin, when it is stiff, stick it in, the longer its in, the stronger it gets, it goes in dry, comes out wet,it comes out dripping,and it starts to sag, its not what you think ,its a teabag
Click to expand...

lol!

---------- Post added at 04:26 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:22 AM ----------

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1.When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2.Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
3.You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4.If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5.You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on SBS
6.You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7.You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8.Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
> humiliating your sense of national pride.
9.You don't have to bother with toilets, just **** in the street.
10.People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

​
 
what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


nothing she's already been told!.


sorry :>
 
Not the best around, but here goes:

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they are wild and wet, when they go they take your house and car with them!
 
A lady once broke a traffic signal and was caught by a policeman.

Lady - Mr, please let me go. I am a teacher, I'm getting late for my class

Policeman - Aha! So you're a teacher. I have waited so long for this moment. Go get a notebook and write "I won't break traffic rules" 500 times
 
Roy Hodgson - the worst pool manager since Michael Barrymore.
 
A was walk past a mental asylum earlier n I could hear them shouting 11...11...11 so I had a peek through the gap in the fence n som **** poked me in the eye then they all started shouting 12...12...12!
 
Will Hodgson go down as the worst Pool manager since Barrymore??
 
What did the Spanish carpet fitter say to his assistant?

Underlay, Underlay!
 
Dad: Why don't you go study?
Son: What for?
Dad: You'll get good marks.
Son: Then?
Dad: You'll get a good salary.
Son: Then?
Dad: You'll get a luxury car and a big house.
Son: Then?
Dad: You'll relax.
Son: So what do you think I'm doing now?
 
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