The Joke Thread

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My wife said, "You get on my ****."

Apparently, it wasn't a command.
 
Heart of Midlothians performance tonight. Not to mentio David Obua. Utter joke.
 
"Due to the current financial problems surrounding a lot of clubs at the moment, Man United have had to release 15 members of staff from their payroll.

The 5 referees and 10 linesmen are said to be devastated.........."
 
hellroker said:
Dad: Why don't you go study?
Son: What for?
Dad: You'll get good marks.
Son: Then?
Dad: You'll get a good salary.
Son: Then?
Dad: You'll get a luxury car and a big house.
Son: Then?
Dad: You'll relax.
Son: So what do you think I'm doing now?
Click to expand...

Study = no fail
no study = fail
study + no study = fail + no fail
study (1+no) = fail (1+no)
study = fail
(H)
 
Small boy interrupts mom and dad having ***. Mom is on top of dad.

Boy: Mom what are you doing?
Mom: Your dad doesn't exercise, so Im flattening his belly.
Boy: But Mom its of no use. When you are away at work, the lady who stays next door blows it back up.
 
I noticed the wife bought herself some facial wipes while at the supermarket today.

Oh boy am I in for a treat tonight.
 
West Ham are paying Wayne Bridge £90,000 a week, but they'll more than recoup that selling videos of his defending to You've Been Framed.
 
I think my girlfriend went to the Arsene Wenger school of ***. She never lets me shoot from outside the box.
 
Belter of a joke; Neil Lennon.

---

"****** dog!" I shouted when I stood in its **** for the 5th time that day "I want to get rid of the thing."

"Remember," said my wife, "A dog is for life not just for Christmas."

"I know. That's why you're still here."

---

My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.
 
After 20 years of *** in the dark, wife finds out that huby has been using a rubber ***** on her.
She said ******* explain the *****!
He said ***** explain the kids.

---------- Post added at 12:49 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:39 AM ----------

Paul invites his mum for tea.
She notices his flat mate Joe is slightly camp & although she suspected Paul's gay he denies that anything is going on & says that they are only flat mates.
A week later Joe says to Paul, "Ever since your mum came 2 tea , i cant find the frying pan".
Paul emails his mum & says.
"Dear mum i'm not saying that u DID take the frying pan, & i'm not saying u DID NOT take the frying pan, but, its been missingever since u came for tea.
love Paul".
"Dear son, i'm not saying u DO sleep with Joe & i'm not saying u DO NOT sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the frying pan by now you little bent *******.
LOVE MUM"
 
A girl flashed her **** at me today.
I just giggled like a little school boy.
Then she said, "Will you quit ******* about and just check the lump, doctor?"
 
what's the differance between liverpool and a tea bag?

a teabag stays in the cup for longer
 
Apparently Arsene Wenger isn't the only French manager who likes his strikeforce to be Young and Bent.

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I went for a west ham trial the other day as a defender. I kept on missing tackles and falling over so I was offered £90,000 a week

Mr. Bridge
 
2iazqsl.jpg
 
Rumours are that Arsene Wenger has applied for the job of Aston Villa manager after he heard that their forwards are Young and Bent
 
My English teacher said to me yesterday, "What's your favorite part of analysing?"

I replied, "The first four letters."

She was not impressed.
 
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