The Joke Thread

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Man goes into a library and asks for a book on "pantomines"

Librarian says, "Its behind you".
 
Man walks into a library and asks, "can I have fish and chips please", to which the Librarian replies "This is a library". The man whispers "Oh sorry, can I have fish and chips please?"
 
what u call a frenchman with flip flops???

"phillipe flop"

so bad yet laugh every time lol
 
Risky.....

I'm not saying the girls round my way are slags but the one I raped last night gave me her number.
 
I went to the shop and said, "I need 1 battery so I can tell the time."

The man said, "Is it for a clock?"

I said, "I don't ******* know, that's why I asked you for a battery."
 
howard webb kids have denied their dad is a man utd fan.
hes totally unbiased said Alex,bobby,dimitar and wayne ;)
 
My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential... then he tossed me from the roof.
 
for sometime many of us have wondered who is jack ****?
we find ourselves at a loss when someone says "you dont know jack ****?" well,thanks to my efforts you can now respond in a intellectual way. jack **** is the only son of awe **** who married o ****.
in turn jack **** married noe **** the couple had 6 children holy ****,giva ****,fulla ****,bull **** and the twins deep **** and dip ****. deep **** married dumb ****, a high school drop out.after 15 years, jack and noe **** got divorced and she married ted sherlock and became noe **** sherlock.
meanwhile, dip **** married lota **** and had a rather nervous youngster called chicken ****. fulla **** n giva **** married the happens brothers in a double wedding. the newspaper invited everyone to the to the ****-happens wedding.
bull **** traveled the world and returned home with a italian bride, pisa ****. so from now on, no one can tell you that you dont know jack ****!!!
 
I got an invite to the 'marriage ceremony' for T-Mobile and Orange.

The reception afterwards was ****. There was only one bar.

-- Sicki :wub:
 
I sent a joke to all my friends... but they didn't get it.

That's T-Mobile for you!
 
Man to prostitute: Whats your rate?
Prostitute: £50 on bed, £25 on sofa, £10 on grass.

Man gives her £50

Prostitute: Wow, you are a man of class!
Man: No sweety, five times on grass XD
 
Whoever started the RIP Justin Bieber rumour is sick.

It's not right to get people's hopes up like that
 
A hippy was on the bus, he sat down next to a nun and asked her to have *** with him, she said no ans said "i am married to god", then after she left the hippy was leaving one stop later and the bus driver told him she prays every friday night at the church at 9pm and told the hippy to dress up and pretend to be god, so he went down in a white robe and said i am god and you must have *** with me, so she said ok but only in the *** as she doesn't want to lose her virginity. SO after wards he takes off the robe and says " haha im the hippy" then she jumps up and says "haha im the bus driver".
 
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Absolutely disgusting but mildly amusing...

What did the schoolboy vampire say to his girlfriend?

'See you next period.'
 
As I looked down at my son in his coffin, I thought, 'Why can't the little Emo **** sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?'
 
I'm really sick of Bieber jokes everywhere, but sorry people here's another one because I think it's very good. Not an actual joke but ...


1. Go to Google translate and write
Will Justin Bieber ever reach puberty - Translate from English to Vietnamese
2. Copy the sentence you got in Vietnamese.
3. Translate it back from Vietnamese to English.
Laugh :D
 
1. Go to Google translate and write
Will Justin Bieber ever reach puberty - Translate from English to Vietnamese
Click to expand...

hahah, made me chuckle... |)
 
This is so wrong, yet I just had to share it?

What's the difference between a nipple and a ****?

Nothing according to my new born son.
 
You are in a bus and desperately need to fart. There is loud music going on, so you time your farts according to the beats. When you get down at your stop, you feel relieved but then you notice that everyone is looking at you. Then you realize that you had your headphones plugged in
 
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