There is a man who visits Great Britain on a vacation from his
home country: China. The first day he exchanges some Chinese
money for twenty British pounds. That day he paints the town red and needs
to go to get more money.
The next day he goes back to the same currency exchange office
and gives the same ammount of Chinese currency, but only gets 19
pounds in return. In broken English, he says to the clerk,
"Yestaday, I give you Chinese money and you give me 20 pound. Today, I give
you
same money, you give 19."
The clerk replies, "Sir, it's the market. Fluctuations."
The Chinese man gets an enraged look on his face and yells back,
"Fluck you Asians!!? Well Fluck You British!!"
SUCCESSFULLY UNDERSTANDING THE BRITISH: A GUIDE FOR AMERICAN VISITORS
Vocabulary -- The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is
referred to as "goolies," so you should say, for instance, "I'd love to
come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word
for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents
American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers."
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great ******" --
he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative people, and
if you want to fit in, you should hold hands with your acquaintances and
tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also
encouraged.
Habits -- Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full
union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain
continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or
three-hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new
practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm
clocks do not work there, due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you
are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a
wank -- everyone will understand.
Universities -- University archives and manuscript collections are still
governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition;
hence, patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own
ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these
customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know," for the
rules are, of course, unwritten. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a
practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge
is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which
you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the
boats (called "yer-i nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there
are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a
professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and
would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated
with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to
buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the
yerinals. That way, people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food -- British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most
sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar, the American traveler can easily afford to dine out several times a
week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon
wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat
in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go
to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle
for anything less. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of
discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list
of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The
best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East
Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.
Transportation -- Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government.
A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It
is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required
to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your
thruppence (the heavy, gold-colored coins are pence), and state your
destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Kindly take me to the British
Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by
pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he
is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so
ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved
to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can
be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about
the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called
"prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little
confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for
reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to
know that a "doctor" means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a
physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
For those traveling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is
alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube.
Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or
on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube
musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains
sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The
Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French
saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind
the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the
ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they
are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of
transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely
follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants
where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of "Shin Fane" (an international
Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment
as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in
line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a "Shin Fane"
stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
---------- Post added at 03:47 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:40 AM ----------
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls
house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little
girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a
boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house
crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the
girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the
girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy
gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and
girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is
riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points
at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these
and your mother can't go buy you one!" The next day as he passes the house
he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls
up her dress and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of
these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
home country: China. The first day he exchanges some Chinese
money for twenty British pounds. That day he paints the town red and needs
to go to get more money.
The next day he goes back to the same currency exchange office
and gives the same ammount of Chinese currency, but only gets 19
pounds in return. In broken English, he says to the clerk,
"Yestaday, I give you Chinese money and you give me 20 pound. Today, I give
you
same money, you give 19."
The clerk replies, "Sir, it's the market. Fluctuations."
The Chinese man gets an enraged look on his face and yells back,
"Fluck you Asians!!? Well Fluck You British!!"
SUCCESSFULLY UNDERSTANDING THE BRITISH: A GUIDE FOR AMERICAN VISITORS
Vocabulary -- The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is
referred to as "goolies," so you should say, for instance, "I'd love to
come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word
for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents
American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers."
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great ******" --
he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative people, and
if you want to fit in, you should hold hands with your acquaintances and
tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also
encouraged.
Habits -- Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full
union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain
continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or
three-hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new
practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm
clocks do not work there, due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you
are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a
wank -- everyone will understand.
Universities -- University archives and manuscript collections are still
governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition;
hence, patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own
ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these
customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know," for the
rules are, of course, unwritten. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the
librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a
practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge
is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which
you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the
boats (called "yer-i nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there
are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a
professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and
would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated
with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to
buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the
yerinals. That way, people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food -- British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most
sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar, the American traveler can easily afford to dine out several times a
week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon
wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat
in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go
to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle
for anything less. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of
discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list
of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The
best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East
Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.
Transportation -- Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government.
A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It
is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required
to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your
thruppence (the heavy, gold-colored coins are pence), and state your
destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Kindly take me to the British
Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by
pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he
is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so
ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved
to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can
be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about
the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called
"prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little
confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for
reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to
know that a "doctor" means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a
physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
For those traveling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is
alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube.
Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or
on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube
musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains
sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The
Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French
saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind
the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the
ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they
are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of
transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely
follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants
where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of "Shin Fane" (an international
Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment
as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in
line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a "Shin Fane"
stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
---------- Post added at 03:47 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:40 AM ----------
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls
house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little
girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a
boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house
crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the
girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the
girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy
gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and
girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is
riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points
at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these
and your mother can't go buy you one!" The next day as he passes the house
he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls
up her dress and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of
these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"