The Joke Thread

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Cristiano Ronaldo said once in a TV interview “the god of football has sent me to earth, in order to show people how to play football the right way!”
When Messi heard about what Ronaldo said, he looked at the ground thinking for a while, then said: “I don’t remember sending anyone.”
 
AussieOchoa said:
Cristiano Ronaldo said once in a TV interview “the god of football has sent me to earth, in order to show people how to play football the right way!”
When Messi heard about what Ronaldo said, he looked at the ground thinking for a while, then said: “I don’t remember sending anyone.”
Click to expand...

Real one ;)

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I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm ******* not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not ******* drunk."
 
And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
 
Me: Can I have a ****?
Girl: No!
Me: Wait! I don't think you heard me correctly...
Girl: Oh, I think I did...
Me: Fine then, what did I say?
Girl: "Can I have a ****?"

And that, Your Honour, is why it wasn't rape.
 
Last night I had mind-blowing *** with the prettiest girl in my school.

I am so fired.
 
Now that Andy Gray has been sacked, there is finally precedent to get Loose Women taken off the air.
 
I'm in trouble with the wife, we were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body!

Apparently "identify it" wasn't the right answer.
 
taida said:
Me: Can I have a ****?
Girl: No!
Me: Wait! I don't think you heard me correctly...
Girl: Oh, I think I did...
Me: Fine then, what did I say?
Girl: "Can I have a ****?"

And that, Your Honour, is why it wasn't rape.
Click to expand...

Facebook ftw !
 
girls says that being pregnant is hard, and they never played PES with broken joystick..
 
Sian Massey to become new Loreal Expert Front Woman.

You use it once, and you get rid of the Gray.
 
sass101 said:
I'm really sick of Bieber jokes everywhere, but sorry people here's another one because I think it's very good. Not an actual joke but ...


1. Go to Google translate and write
Will Justin Bieber ever reach puberty - Translate from English to Vietnamese
2. Copy the sentence you got in Vietnamese.
3. Translate it back from Vietnamese to English.
Laugh :D
Click to expand...

so funny :D :D :D XD
 
Having successfully introduced female referees to premier league football, the FA are now going to change some of the terminology used:

Replace "******" with "Bean-flicker" in the chant "The referee's a...."
"Flags" are to be replaced with "Flaps".
Players no longer "score", instead they "woo" a goal.
Teams can no longer have a "substitute" and have to remain faithful to their chosen ones.
"Red cards" will now be pink.
The game will no longer be of two halves but of two periods.
and of course, "extra time" is to be replaced with 5 minutes before the match to be known as "fore play".
 
Football365: 'De Jong Wants To End Career At City.'

At the time of writing, it is not clear whose career he wants to end.
 
During an airflight the pilot starts giving information to all passengers through the intercom like every flight, except this time he forgets to switch it off afterwards.

So the pilot goes and says to the co-pilot "Right, we switch to the autopilot. Then I will smoke a cigarette, and afterwards I am going to business class which is empty and bang one of the stewardesses"

All passengers listening in shock, and a stewardess that runs towards the cabin in total despair....

An old woman raises and says - "Hey *****, he said he is going to have a smoke first!"

---------- Post added at 02:10 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:00 AM ----------

A salesman on the road makes his daily telephone call back to his home

"Hello?"
"Hello darling, its me"

"Hey, how are you?"
"I am doing great. How are the kids?"

"They just ate. Steak and salad."
"Oh. My favourite....You should have waited for me. Now I will have to eat you, darling"

"Hmmm...then I should get my red lingerie. The one you like so much!"
"Oh yeah baby, get ready for a wild night"

"You bet. Shall I have the handcuffs ready too?"
"Sure, and the whip too. Now, please hand me over to my wife."
 
It was a risk hanging my washing out to dry when the forecast was rain.

I put it all on the line.
 
British scientists "invent artificial petrol" in 2011.

Silicone breast implants were first used in 1962.

Nice to see we have our priorities right.
 
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