The Joke Thread

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Ramires said:
How'D Ya Kill 1000Flies At Once,

Slap a africian kid in the face.
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Lol harsh but made me chuckle (H)

Some harsh ones... Don't read if easily offended...

1
They say there is safety in numbers... Well tell that to 6 million Jews

2
Never high five a Rabbi
 
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I work for Gillette. The end of year meetings follow a simple format.

The chairman comes in and says, "Right, we've had a good year but we can't stand still. How can we make our product even better?"

Everyone stands there, scratching their heads, until the chairman loses patience and says, "**** it. Just stick another blade on it."
 
You always change individual instructions (mentality, creative freedom, closing down) during ***.
heart.gif
 
Not sure if the Andy Carroll jokes have been and gone, but here are a couple nonetheless:

Shellsuits, Lonsdale, Donnay, Le Coq Sportif and now Andy Carroll - Mike Ashley's been flogging over priced **** to scousers for years.

and:

I scored 24 goals, helping my side win promotion back to the Premier League aged just 22.

In my first season in the top flight, I'd bagged an impressive 15 goals by the end of January - including goals away at Arsenal and in a home win over Liverpool. My form earned me an England call-up and my debut in an international friendly.

Am I a £35m striker?

No. I'm Michael Ricketts, February 2002.
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.



She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'



She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'



'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
 
Had a great holiday in Alaska, the locals were brilliant.
The only downside was the giant snowball fight we had, when I was teamed up with a bloke who's aim was ****** awful.

Trust me to end up with a ******* Heskeymo.
 
if you see an arsenal fan walking a dog, get them to call 0800 4-0 4-1 4-2 4-3 4-4 for free advice on how to hold a lead.
 
Ronan said:
if you see an arsenal fan walking a dog, get them to call 0800 4-0 4-1 4-2 4-3 4-4 for free advice on how to hold a lead.
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That's a ******* **** of a long phone number...
 
Watching the wife clothes-shopping is a lot like Derek Acorah.

There's no way either of them are a ******* medium.

_____________________________________________

I'm looking forward to the Super Bowl,

Homosexuals Vs Blacks.

Sorry, I mean,

Packers Vs Steelers.
 
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
 
Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.
 
Ed Syers said:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
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I know this is a joke but it's not true.
1. Ballpoint pens do in fact work in space.
2. Pencils aren't allowed in case led breaks, floats into a system and breaks it.
3. The russians used a ballpoint pen, whilst america developed there superpen.

Sorry for ruining it, but i just had to 8-|
 
The Bath Manager said:
I know this is a joke but it's not true.
1. Ballpoint pens do in fact work in space.
2. Pencils aren't allowed in case led breaks, floats into a system and breaks it.
3. The russians used a ballpoint pen, whilst america developed there superpen.

Sorry for ruining it, but i just had to 8-|
Click to expand...

No need :)
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a ***, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
 
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