The Joke Thread

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[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO4Ajmg4d8s"]YouTube - Sean Davis Comedy Dive Football Pompey Tottenham[/ame]
LOL :P
 
BREAKING NEWS: President Mubarak is due to step down tonight after having accepted a position on Talksport.
 
I realised my hearing was going bad...

So I thought, "**** it" and called the judge a ****.
 
Late last night thieves broke into City of Manchester Stadium and stole the entire contents of Manchester City's trophy room. Police are looking for two men carrying a light blue carpet.
 
Luke said:
Late last night thieves broke into City of Manchester Stadium and stole the entire contents of Manchester City's trophy room. Police are looking for two men carrying a light blue carpet.
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love it

This week, the first 3D football matches were shown in public.
I watched the Chelsea match with my girlfriend and at one point John Terry tried to **** her.

---------- Post added at 03:44 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:21 AM ----------

I came over to my blonde friend the other day and said, "Hey look a dead bird."
She looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100, 1 to hold the lightbulb & 99 to turn the house.
 
What did the blonde woman call her pet Zebra?

Spot

How do you confuse a blonde woman?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
 
DMF said:
What did the blonde woman call her pet Zebra?

Spot

How do you confuse a blonde woman?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Click to expand...


Heard 2nd one before but 1st one was joke
 
My mate just came back from his holiday and he brought me back some French Army boots.

I'm ******* delighted, I needed some new running shoes.
 
Sky Sports News- Carragher doesnt want Kenny to go.

Just face it Jamie, he dies in every South Park episode.
 
The Sun...
Woman dies after having special resin injected into buttocks...
Gavin from Autoglass has gone too far this time !
 
Anyone else noticed that "Torres for Chelsea" is an anagram of "loser for cheaters"
 
Daire said:
also in other news -

SIX Newcastle players have been accused of a drug abuse scandal .

Apparently : Shearer Cort Dyer Given Bellamy Speed...
(btw a bit out of date)
I crack myself up :D :D
Click to expand...

That is an Epic Joke!
 
I'm treating my wife to a romantic dinner for valentines day.

Soft, slow cooked pasta.
The finest petis pois,
Finely diced soft soya flakes,
A beautiful chicken stock marinade,
Finely seasoned with fresh basil and mixed herbs.

Then I just tip in water to the fill line, add the soy sauce sachet and I'm done.

---------- Post added at 12:58 AM ---------- Previous post was yesterday at 08:02 PM ----------

Does anyone else look at the video length on PornHub and think 'challenge accepted'?
 
Funniest joke i have ever heard, my mate told me :D:

MANCHESTER CITY
 
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did
 
Black Man goes to the doctors to see his local GP as he has a problem:

Black Man: "Every time I have *** with a white girl, my eyes sting?"

Doctor: "That will be the Pepper Spray"
 
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