The Joke Thread

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Expensive Meal - £100
 Dozen Red Roses - £60
 Chocolates - £10
 Champers - £35
 Hotel Room - £100

 Look on his face when she tells him she's on the blob - PRICELESS



Luke Phillips said:
Does anyone else look at the video length on PornHub and think 'challenge accepted'?
Click to expand...

I know this is a joke, but yes.
 
A Valentines Day Card fell onto my door mat this morning.

I put it straight in the bin because I knew exactly who it was from.

It was my postman, I saw him walking up the driveway, the ******* queer ****.
 
So the Germans have said that England's "goal" being disallowed is fine and acceptable as it was simply karma for the Russian Linesman Incident in '66. Well said Germany, and on a similar note I have opened a wonderfully legitimate new recreational shower chamber that 6 million of you should pop along to, free of charge, and discuss the ins and outs of your karma theory.
 
The cure for Beiber fever has been discovered.

Double Barrel shotgun, placed squarely between the eyes....of Beiber.
 
How much calcium can you get from sucking on a nipple?

Apparently enough to grow a bone...
 
I know it's a day late but saw it in a youtube comment and it made me laugh :)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
In Soviet Russia
Poem writes you
 
Interviewer: Where were you born?
Blonde: England
Interviewer: Which part?
Blonde: What which part? Whole body in England
 
this is based on our differnet Insurance companies we have here in SA :)

Recent studies have shown increasing demand of people not only seeking life insurance, but more specifically ***-Insurance.
The insurance companies have formulated the following options:


Option 1:If you sleep with your wife
- LEGAL & GENERAL
Option 2:If you sleep with your wife in your car
- AUTO &GENERAL
Option 3:If you sleep with someone else’s wife:
- MUTUAL & FEDERAL
Option 4:Sleeping with your mother-in-law
- OLD MUTUAL
Option 5:If you sleep with a Muslim-girl
- SANLAM
Option 6:Sleeping with more than one person at the same time
- PRESTASIE MULTIPLEX
Option 7:Taking advantage of the person you sleep with
- LIBERTY LIFE
Option 8:Man sleeping with another man
- HOLLARD
Option 9:Having *** in a train

- MOMENTUM
Option 10:Sleeping with your ex-wife
- OUTSURANCE
Option 11:Sleeping with a prostitute
- BUDGET
Option 12:Having *** with someone you don’t even know
- DISCOVERY
Option 13:Having *** with a virgin.
-First for women

---------- Post added at 04:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:56 PM ----------

my personal favourite :)

the daughter of a police chief is dating an Italian kid, she brings him home to meet her parents, the father looks at him and asks "Muffia?" he replies, "nee oom, ek finger haar net" (english - no uncle, I am just fingering her) :P

(please note, that was in Afrikaans :p)

---------- Post added at 04:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:57 PM ----------

my personal favourite :)

the daughter of a police chief is dating an Italian kid, she brings him home to meet her parents, the father looks at him and asks "Muffia?" he replies, "nee oom, ek finger haar net" (english - no uncle, I am just fingering her) :P

(please note, that was in Afrikaans :p)
 
there are ten apples
you take three

how many apples you got?

THREE
 
I hate people that say, “He’s a nice person once you get to know him.”
They might as well just say, “He’s a ********, but you’ll get used to it.”

---------- Post added at 05:01 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:00 PM ----------

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies,’I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..’
The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch?
”What’s so special about it?’
The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’
The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’
The woman giggles and replies
‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
‘ ****** thing’s an hour fast!’
 
Who needs prostitutes when you have a Government who screws you and gets paid?
 
faceboek-772150.jpg


---------- Post added at 05:07 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:02 PM ----------

80 yr old man: My 28 yr old wife is pregnant, your opinion Doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and BANG… The lion drops dead!
Old man: That’s impossible; someone else must have shot the lion.
Doctor: MY POINT EXACTLY!
 
Two old men meet each other

1st man: My hand shakes so much that I cut myself while shaving yesterday
2nd man: Oh thats nothing, while ******* yesterday, I masturbated, TWICE!!
 
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