The Joke Thread

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Daily Mirror: 'West Bromwich Albion's new boss Roy Hodgson has his eye on the England manager's seat, which Fabio Capello is expected to vacate in 2012.'

And I have an eye on Cheryl Cole, which is probably just as likely.


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My mate was bosting about his new 3D TV, "Watching footie is great, it's like the ball actually comes out the screen" he said.

"Big ******* deal" i replied " i have a normal TV and when i play Fifa on my Xbox, the ball comes out the screen everytime i try shooting with Emile Heskey"
 
Boy: I love you so much that I want to be a part of your body
Girl: No thanks, I already have an *******
 
I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a ******* grip, you stupid *****."
 
Too really nice jokes on Torres, and Chelsea fans, please don't start a new topic on this thread beacause of them :)

Roman Abramovich was asked by a random man to autograph his chest. "**** off" he said," The last time I signed a useless ****,it cost me £50 Million"

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Apparently the ukrainian word for Torres is Shevchenko.'




Copyrights to Sickipedia ;)

---------- Post added at 12:28 AM ---------- Previous post was yesterday at 11:54 PM ----------

joeere11 said:
I know it's a day late but saw it in a youtube comment and it made me laugh :)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
In Soviet Russia
Poem writes you
Click to expand...


Yes, there are a lot of Soviet Russia comments on youtube, for example I watched a airbag prank (Put a airbag inside a sofa and let a friend sit on it.) And the highest rated comment was "In Soviet Russia, air bags you !" :D Made me laugh.

Anyways, the joke now. old but good :)

FIFA blames Panorama for 2018 World Cup bid failure.
FIFA says: "England crossed the line."
Ohh You f*cking noticed that now ehh ?
 
Apparently Wayne Rooney was deprived as a child.

Of oxygen by the looks of it.
 
*hobo sees a guy walking*
hobo: got some change?
*guy gives him a pen*
hobo:what's this?!
guy: Is a pen, use it to fill out a job aplication
 
Two condoms walk past a gay bar and say 'let's get shitfaced'
 
I met up with my internet friend yesterday.
We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.
 
I was at my Mum's when she said "Russell, you're 29 years old now, when are you going to find a decent girl, one with morals and not the usual tarts you seem to attract and settle down"

It was at this point my girlfriend left the room in tears.
 
I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "********", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!
 
If you have *** with a white virgin you pop her cherry. Does that mean if you have *** with an indian virgin does that mean you pop her dom?
 
Bit of a Haloween one;

Young lad sat on a bench with all his trick or treat sweets he has just collected, absolutely scoffing them down!
An old lady walks over and says "Son, do you know that if you eat all of them sweets like that your teeth will rot, you'll get acne and you'll get worms!"
The kid replies "Did you know that my grandfather lived until he was 97!?"
The lady replies, "And did he eat sweets like that?"
The kid replies "No, but he used to mind his own ******* business!!"

Always tickles me that one XD
 
[FONT=&quot]Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]wasn't what they had in mind.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After a night of drink, drugs and wild *** Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]That's when he realised he had made it home safely.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.[/FONT]
 
what is "jail" in Arabic?
Al-Catraz
what is "kitchen set" in Arabic?
Al-Luminium
what is "fruit" in Arabic?
Al-Vocado
what is "singer" in Arabic?
Al-Jarreau
what is "magic" in Arabic?
Al-Bracadabra Al-Lakazam
 
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