The Joke Thread

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A women spens all her time at work and looking after her mentally ill mum so she gets sick and goes to the doctors the doctor says she is stressed and needs a holiday so she gets her brother to look after her mum and her cat so she goes to spain for 3 days the first day is great she has a great time then she gets a phone call from her brother

hello she says
yer cats deed says her brother
what
yer cats deed
why did you tell me that i'll never be able to relax now you ruined my holiday
sorry
why didnt you just say its on the roof then the next day say its down but in shock and then the third day say its very ill so i come back to find it dead and that would mean i could relax
sorry
anyway hows mum
shes on the roof
 
Funny status from Facebook on Valentine's Day:
Today is Valentine's Day, put this on you status if you're happy because tomorrow is ECL XD
 
Could be offensive to some people, click the spoilers at your own risk.....

I added Princess Diana on Xbox live,

The only problem is when I try to play with her it says she's on the dashboard.
 
Anyone notice how potatoes always seem to have huge chips on their shoulders?

Sorry bout that (A)
 
The guy who owns the calendar shop has been diagnosed with cancer.

His days are numbered.
 
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

DMF's Facebook
 
I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you ******* idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"
 
there are 10 types of people in the world
those who understand binary and those who don't.
 
Choosing a wife



A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed..


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest ****.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and ****** today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky ***** and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Student: Written in the Stars!
Teacher: Where?
Student: A million miles away!!
Teacher: What?
Student: A message to the main!!
Teacher: You better change your ways or I'll take you to the Principal
Student: Seasons come and go, but I will never change
Teacher: *Sigh*, off to the principal you go then
Student: IM ON MY WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
 
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