The Joke Thread

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Yahoo News; 'Two Sharks Attack Diver'

Nice to see FIFA have toughened up on the punishment
 
what's the common thing between the noodles and Barcelona?

they both get cooked in 5 minutes.
 
how to put an elephant in a fridge?
open the fridge, put the elephant, close the fridge
how to put a giraffe in a fridge?
open the fridge, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the fridge
the King of the jungle calls ALL animals to a meeting, who's not coming?
giraffe, it's still in the fridge!
a group of boy scouts wants to cross a river, but the river is full with crocodiles.
how can they cross the river?
just cross the river, the crocodiles are still on the meeting
 
I started ******* earlier and realised I also needed to ****.

So I sat down and did my thing, but was really put off by the weird man staring at me from the next urinal.
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SKY NEWS- Police Search For Boy 'Killed By Crocodile'

Just a hunch, but you might want to start by looking in the crocodiles stomach?
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Why did the Muslim cross the road?

I thought to myself as my foot hit the accelerator.
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I was doing a crossword the other day
12 across: _ i_ g_ _
Clue: Person who has yet to have ***.
Ginger, they really are making it too easy.
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Whats the difference between 9000 Crawley Town fans and 100,000 Man United fans?

The 9000 Crawley fans have actually been to Old Trafford.
 
I remember when my mum would tuck me in.

She really wanted a daughter
 
this is a bit crude, I made it up last night... dont ask me why :) I was just thinking of these baby jokes I heard many years ago...

What is the advantage of ******** a 9 month old child?

She is already on all fours :P
 
bijak said:
how to put an elephant in a fridge?
open the fridge, put the elephant, close the fridge
how to put a giraffe in a fridge?
open the fridge, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the fridge
the King of the jungle calls ALL animals to a meeting, who's not coming?
giraffe, it's still in the fridge!
a group of boy scouts wants to cross a river, but the river is full with crocodiles.
how can they cross the river?
just cross the river, the crocodiles are still on the meeting
Click to expand...

They are woeful mate XD
 
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a ****."
 
Heard this from my 4 year old niece:

Why did the daddy centipede beat up his son?


His son wanted new shoes.
 
I said, "Can I use our son's room for my snooker table now he's not living here?"
My wife burst into tears and ran out of the room.
I said, "******* ****, what's wrong with her?"
The policeman said, "Perhaps it was the wrong time to ask, sir. Try again after the funeral"
 
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
 
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