The Joke Thread

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You get some wishes, but whatever you wish for your wife gets double, Ok, I want a bmw convertible ok but who wife gets two, I want half a house well just remember your wife gets a whole house, I want to be beaten HALF to death...
 
I saw a group of girls wearing knee high socks and short skirts so I shouted, "Oi oi, get yer **** out for the lads".
The other Dads at the netball match weren't very happy.
 
There's been an explosion at the treacle factory.

That's a sticky situation.
 
A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes mum - I had *** with my English teacher!" he replied.
The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!"
The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had *** with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for."
"Mint! - but I can I have a football instead? My **** is killing me."
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Is anyone else collecting the Panini stickers for the Chinese Football League?

I really need to do some swaps with someone as every packet I've bought so far contain the same ******* player.
 
How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
The hotdogs taste like ****!

---------- Post added at 05:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:22 AM ----------

How do you know when a Paki goes from childhood to manhood? ... His nappy moves from his **** to his head.

Farmer in yourkshire see's a bloke from his stream and shouts, "eyup **** tha dun wanna b drinkin watta frm theer its full o hoss **** and cow *****".

The bloke says "I from pakistan, you speak a bit slower?

"OK"
"IF -YOU - USE - TWO HANDS - MY - FRIEND - YOU - WONT - SPILL - ANY !
 
This is fairly long so bear with me.
An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing whose's service is better and whose troops are the bravest?
The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible" as he reaches for the phone.

Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.

When all three representives have arrived, the Admiral states "Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course.".

The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned runnig towards the cliff. After performing a triple-linddy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.

The Marine General says "that was nothing," and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff,then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

And with that the Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.

The Army General then says "Very nice gentlemen, but heres true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."

The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, thats BRAVERY."
 
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How do you kill a bus full of celtic fans???

Poison the windows
 
Dear Mr Abramovich,
Thank you for your letter but unfortunately the 30 day money back guarantee doesn't apply to items brought in the january sales.
Yours sincerely,
Mr K Dalglish
 
My mrs phoned me up while I was out shopping she asked me to buy her something to make her look sexy you should have seen her face when I came home with 8 cans of lager lol
 
How come men that miss the toilet whilst peeing are also bad at intercourse?


Because they're missing such a big hole so that it's unbelievable...
 
A Wife and Husband are talking one day and the Wife says -
"What do you find most attractive about me , my beautiful face or sexy body?
The Husband looks her up and down and replies -
"Your sense of humour".
 
My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor ******* must have wondered what the **** was going on.
 
New *** position guys!!! The Wild Bull.......Put your woman on all fours, Put your chest on her back...A couple of minutes into having ***, whisper another girls name into her ear, and try and stay on for 10 seconds!!
 
ok going to Spolier this joke so dont be offended

How do you stop a baby from drowning?

Take your foot of it's head
Whats the difference between 100 Dead babies and a Ferrari?

I dont have a Ferrari in my garage
 
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