The Joke Thread

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Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an Intelligent Chelsea supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course – the other 3 are mythical creatures!

---------- Post added at 03:13 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:12 AM ----------

Carlos Ancelotti is leaving the Chelsea training ground when two girls approach him. The 1st girl lifts her top and says "Carlo,will u sign these?" Ancelotti shrugs and signs her *****. The 2nd girl pulls down her knickers and says "Carlos,will u sign this?" Ancelotti shakes his head and says "**** off, the last time I signed a **** it cost me a £50million!!
 
boy: dad can i got watch a movie with my friends?
dad: yea, but ask your mum she's in the kitchen.
boy: uh.. dad she isnt in the kitchen
dad: WTF *loads shotgun*
 
Additional Maths. Exercise 10C, Simultaneous Equations. Question 3.

Ifmrahed wants to buy two bags of twenty nails, each costing £10.

A pack of explosives costs £14

If four bags of nails, two packs of explosives and a Beginners Guide To Jihad costs £63, how racist is this question?
 
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,

It's the Bullshit and *** Kissing

That will put you over the top.
 
My mate's expecting his first child within the next couple of weeks.
I asked him what *** he'd prefer it to be, he replied, "I quite fancy a boy."
Personally, I don't think he should be allowed to have kids with statements like that.
Gay, child molesting ****.
 
I'm not sure on how to put a spoiler on this so if you offended by it , sorry!

What do Ethopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
They both live off dead Beatles

What's Michael Jacksons favourite Nursery rhyme?
Little Boy Blew
 
Whilst getting my jeans out of the washing machine this morning I noticed that I had left a £20 note in the pocket, so I called the police.

It's illegal to launder money.
 
My mate just got banned from Disney Land for "lewd behaviour in the Snow White exhibition".

Dopey ******.
 
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ***."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your *****, and drink from your ****."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her ****.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's ****** and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my ****, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't **** with anyone who can drink that much beer."
 
A lad has his first training session with his new club.

Manager: Have you got all the equipment

Lad: Yep boss think so.

Manager: Well you need

Shinpads
Boots
Snoode
Thermals
Leggings
Hat
Jumper.

Lads: Got all them boss

Manager: Oh yeah, And dont forget your AIR RIFLE
 
Walking my dog through a cemetery and a man said 'Mornin' so I said, 'nah just passing through'...
 
Luke Phillips said:
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a ****."
Click to expand...

Ride The Walrus said:
Walking my dog through a cemetery and a man said 'Mornin' so I said, 'nah just passing through'...
Click to expand...

Seeing as you did this to me ;)

---------- Post added at 01:07 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:04 AM ----------

It would appear as if I misread your joke. :(
 
Luke Phillips said:
Seeing as you did this to me ;)

---------- Post added at 01:07 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:04 AM ----------

It would appear as if I misread your joke. :(
Click to expand...

It's okay, I forgive you.

What's brown and runs into tables?
Harvey
 
at the presidential election obama had to stand behind 2 ft thick glass.
i know hes black but commme onnne
 
"Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."
 
Me and my grandad were talking about Liverpool FC today.
Grandad: That Nig Nog is looking good.
Me: Grandad, I think you mean, David Ngog.
Grandad. No, I mean Glen Johnson.
 
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