The Joke Thread

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GCSE results were up in Pakistan last year. Over 80% were above C level
 
I had a go at rugby the other day

I thought I was doing pretty well but all everyone kept saying was "nice try"

Condescending bastards
 
sidhoops1 said:
Women's rights
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So funny I forgot to laugh.

vader-fail.jpg
 
my friend told me i didnt know the meaning of irony.
which is quite ironic, cos we were sitting at a bus stop at the time
 
Do you know what walks in the woods and has two ******* and 14 testicles?
The Snow White and the seven dwarfs.
 
"What do John Terry and Adolph Hitler have in common........?
THEY BOTH HAD A SLIP IN RUSSIA OTHERWISE THEY WOULD HAVE CONQUERED EUROPE!"
 
A jew and a chinaman sat in a cafe when all of a sudden the jew gets up walks over to the chinaman and punches him violently in the face, "ow what the **** was that for?" screams the angry chinaman, "thats for pearl harbour" exclaims the jew, "but im chinese not japanese" shouts the china man, "chinese japanese wats the ******* difference" the jew says back. shortly about 20 minutes later the angry chinaman gets up and walks over to the jew and punches him hard back in his face, "oy vey what the **** was that for" screams the jew "thats for the titanic" exclaims the chinaman "but my names goldberg" shouts the jew, "goldberg, iceberg whats the ******* difference".

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how does gary glitter tell the time?

when the big hand touches the little one!

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whats silver coloured, leather and about size 11.

gary glitters boots at the end of your daughters bed!
 
whats the worse thing about ******* a bald *****?

putting the nappy back on after!

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Sky News: Fifa have had to cancel Ireland's friendly fixture with ethiopia as they cudn't get the ethiopian's out of the canteen!"
 
To white people it's copyright infringement, to black people it's a remix.

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My wife was doing a crossword and (as expected) she asked for help. "An office worker" she said "9 letters, beginning with 'S'."

"What gender?" I asked.

She was confused and asked "What ****** difference does that make?"

To which I replied promptly, "If it's male it's solicitor, if it's female it's secretary."

################


I was on the phone to a friend tonight.
"You sound sad." She said.
"I'm just in a dark place at the moment." I replied.
"Why what's wrong?" she asked.
"I haven't paid my electricity bill." I replied.
 
How do you starve a Mexican?

Deny him access to foodstuffs.


Whats the difference between two flies?

Nothing, they're both flies.


Why did the black man buy 3 boxes of condoms?

Because he practices safe *** and they were on sale.


Antijokes! ^^)
 
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I hear Arsenal have renamed their trophy cabinet. Apparently it will now be known as "the cabinet".
 
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Line me up ten whiskeys."
So the barman lines them up and the man gulps them down one after another.
"Jeez!" says the barman, "What are you celebrating then?"
"My first ********." replies the man.
"Oh well," says the barman, "for that I'll buy you one myself."
"No thanks," says the man, "If ten don't get rid of the taste, another one won't help!"
 
This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was
preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a
stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee
in my lap and I was running late.

"Great, just great", I moaned.

The driver opened his door, leaned out of his car and stared at me. He
was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, "I am not happy."

To which I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
 
I jammed an energy drink up my **** last night.

The pain was relentless.
 
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
 
I like to practice safe *** by raping girls who come out of an STD clinic with a relieved look on their face.
 
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

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Whoops, didnt see it posted above!

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I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.

Just kept going on and on about a huge rave.


I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid *****.

I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.
 
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