The Joke Thread

A perfect man and a perfect woman meet and fall in love. They marry and live a happily perfect life together.
On Xmas eve while driving together back home they see Santa Claus injured in the middle of the road. Because they are so perfect, they decide to pick him up and help him with the delivery of all the gifts.

Later on, the car looses control and hits a tree. Only one person survives. Which one?

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The woman survives. Why?
Because neither Santa Claus nor a Perfect Man exists in this world

Now, if you are a man, keep reading. If you are a woman, stop here.
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If a perfect man and Santa Claus dont exist, that means, that the woman was driving, what a coincidence.

And if you are a woman reading this, that proves once again, that women never do what they are told to do.
 
Teacher: Whoever can answer this question can go home.

Suddenly a boy throws a bag out

Teacher: Who threw the bag?
Boy: Me! Bye guys see ya.
 
wunzigan said:
A perfect man and a perfect woman meet and fall in love. They marry and live a happily perfect life together.
On Xmas eve while driving together back home they see Santa Claus injured in the middle of the road. Because they are so perfect, they decide to pick him up and help him with the delivery of all the gifts.

Later on, the car looses control and hits a tree. Only one person survives. Which one?

*
*
*
*
*
KEEP READING
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The woman survives. Why?
Because neither Santa Claus nor a Perfect Man exists in this world

Now, if you are a man, keep reading. If you are a woman, stop here.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
If a perfect man and Santa Claus dont exist, that means, that the woman was driving, what a coincidence.

And if you are a woman reading this, that proves once again, that women never do what they are told to do.
Click to expand...

.. And if the woman was driving, then she lost control of the car, if she lost control of the car then she was not perfect. So women are neither perfect nor do what they are told. :)
 
Arsenal F.C End of season Dinner Menu.
Starter: Spanish Surprise (well beaten)
Main Course: French (has) beans: Everything is imported, nothing from Home.
Desert: Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow), Humble Pie.
Drinks: Little Spirited French Whine, Cabernet EMPTY 06/07/08/09/10/11. Strictly NO Doubles or Trebles. ...
ALL drinks must be consumed from glasses as there will be NO cups this year!
 
What have ST Patrick and PSV got in common?

Both kept the Snakes out of Ireland.
 
I see Fulham have unveiled a statue of Michael Jackson outside their ground.

Surely the Swiss club Young Boys FC would have been more appropriate?
 
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

I asked why so long a password. "Because," she explained, "the policy states that it had to be at least 8 characters long."
 
A woman is standing in front of the mirror naked
She turns to her husband and says
"Oh Bob , look at me , I'm big ,fat and ugly , cheer me up with a compliment."
Bob says " Your eyesights perfect love "
 
Didier Drogba has had his salary halved to cover Roman Abramovich's losses.

Thankfully he's making up the deficit by starring in Crimewatch reconstructions.

------------

Oh god!!! Someone get Rebecca Black on the phone! I need to know what tomorrow's called!

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Some ******* just stole my watch!

I was going to chase after him, but I just didn't have the time.
 
Mom, can I dye my hair pink?
Mom: No
Mom, can I wear makeup?
Mom: No
Mom, can I wear a pink dress and stilettos?
Mom: No
Mom, can I have a Barbie?
Mom: No
Oh come on Mom, Im 17 now!
Mom: Oh shut up Justin
 
Could everyone say a prayer for my Japanese pal ... R.I.P So Kin Wet


Teacher: Hands up if your a Rangers fan.

Everyone puts there hand up except John

Teacher: What team do you support John and why ?
John: Celtic because my mum and dad do.
Teacher: What if your dads junkie and your mums a hooker ?
John: I'd support Rangers.

:D
 
Last edited:
Fernando Torres' scoring record for Chelsea.

Well, you wanted a joke.
 
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop, how ******* cool is that for someone her age?
 
Liverpool: I'd rather walk alone

---------- Post added at 02:07 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:05 AM ----------

hellroker said:
Mom, can I dye my hair pink?
Mom: No
Mom, can I wear makeup?
Mom: No
Mom, can I wear a pink dress and stilettos?
Mom: No
Mom, can I have a Barbie?
Mom: No
Oh come on Mom, Im 17 now!
Mom: Oh shut up Justin
Click to expand...

Haha, that remembers me a joke :

Mommy, mommy ! Can I wear strings, I'm sixteen already !
- No Peter, no.
 
Rebecca Black wants to know which seat she should take.

May I propose the electric one?
 
Don't read if you can't take a joke about England.

Ben Foster, Robert Green, Joe Hart;

Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Ashley Cole, Michael Dawson, Phil Jagielka, Glen Johnson, Joleon Lescott, John Terry, Kyle Walker;

Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Matthew Jarvis, Frank Lampard, Aaron Lennon, James Milner, Scott Parker, Jack Wilshere, Ashley Young;

Darren Bent, Andy Carroll, Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney.
 
I sent my dyslexic husband a text today telling him to get our little boy a new outfit from M&S.

He came back with a gimp ball, mask and studded leather thong.
 
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