The Joke Thread

  • Thread starter Thread starter John
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I was doing my lottery tickets on Saturday, and thought I'd steal the pen.

"Get that out of your pocket!" said the shop keeper as I went to walk out.

"How the **** did you notice?" I asked.

"The stand trailing behind you kind of gave you away," he replied.
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It's Rebecca Black's birthday today, today she is 14, last year she was 13, next year she is 15, and 16 comes after that.
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I put a hundred quids worth of fuel into my car and then drove off without paying.
Unfortunately the police caught me after a short chase.
I ran out of petrol half a mile down the road.
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Gerrard: "Liverpool is a magical place."

Probably explains why so much stuff disappears there...
 
This gorgeous bird asked me if I wanted to come back to check out her pad.

Naturally, I declined. I think periods are disgusting.
 
My granny caught me having a wank the other night. she was so shocked she had a stroke....































such lovely, soft hands for a 95yr old....
 
Just ate 70 yoghurts. Safe to say I was a bit mullered
 
One Croatian joke, dunno if there was a similar one posted, no matter the nationality...

Little Mary got home from school:
Mom, Pery showed me his *****...
Mom stood schocked till the girl said:
It reminded me of peanuts.
Mom: Why? Cause it was so small?
Mary: No, it was salty!
 
I was always taught that children should be seen and not heard.

Which is why I mute the laptop when watching ****.

---------- Post added 01/07/2011 at 01:06 PM ---------- Previous post was 30/06/2011 at 05:23 PM ----------

My son waddled in, "We had P.E today," he panted, his chubby face sweating. "They made us hit a ball with a stick and run round."

"What, rounders?" I asked.

Suddenly he burst into tears.

"Christ, you heartless *******," shouted my wife, "You know he's sensitive about his weight."
 
My friends used to call me Mr. Lover Lover.

Until i banged a mentally retarded girl, now they call me Mr. Boom Spastic.
 
Wathcing Andy Murray trying to beat Nadal, is like watching a 90 year old man trying to get an erection. It's painful, but you'll still sit 4 hours to see if he can actually manage it.
 
I've just watched the England women's football match.
Number 16 came on in the second half......so they had to substitute her.
 
I was losing badly on Football Manager so I decided to change my players' mentality to 'Very Offensive'.

They still played **** but their racist remarks cheered me up.
 
I know this ones very bad and I shouldn't do it, but hey. Why break the habit of a lifetime eh?

What goes woof, woof ,BOOM!
A terrierist
 
****** are now sponsoring David Haye and Andy Murray, for the men who can't perform on the big occasions.
 
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
 
"I really believe if you are a player who thinks only about money then you could end up at Manchester City."
Gael Clichy
 
Flew into Rio this morning. Gave the **** a fatter lip.
 
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