The Joke Thread

[mark 19 times]

So there's a new face at manchester city!!



Tevez and Lescott are fighting over it!!

 

[ChrisBird]

So there's a new face at manchester city!!



Tevez and Lescott are fighting over it!!

That's not funny.

 

[mark 19 times]

That's not funny.

fair enough. i wrote it wrong

---------- Post added at 09:31 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:24 PM ----------

A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man united fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

 

[LP94]

After a long drive, I finally arrived home from work. Turning the corner, I noticed an ambulance parked outside my house; lights still flashing vibrantly. I froze instantly; shock ran through my motionless body as I attempted to come to terms with what I was witnessing...

That **** took my parking space.

 

[Chokopop]

I Love Kids Stroking My ****.

Makes me proud to own a Chicken.

 

[CJACKO11]

Cheryl Tweedy reminds me of Thomas the tank engine... She can't seem to get anywhere without a bit of Cole inside her.

---------- Post added at 10:32 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:22 PM ----------

Jelly Baby went to the Doctors with his ***** covered in coconut & liquorice. The Doctor said "What have you been up to?" Jelly Baby says "Allsorts!"

 

[Mike]

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

 

[Redrup]

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

Was looking through Sickipedia today actually, made me chuckle.

 

[Mike]

Ashley: "I want to make sweet, sweet love all night!"
Cheryl: "Okay love, don't be home too late tonight."

 

[LP94]

I had just started building my new scale model car,when my mate came round and we decided to go to the pub,so I left it till the morning.
On resuming building the next day,I found there were pieces missing.
That's the last time I ****** buy McCanno.

 

[Redders]

Ashley: "I want to make sweet, sweet love all night!"
Cheryl: "Okay love, don't be home too late tonight."

Awful.

I had just started building my new scale model car,when my mate came round and we decided to go to the pub,so I left it till the morning.
On resuming building the next day,I found there were pieces missing.
That's the last time I ****** buy McCanno.

Don't get it.

 

[LP94]

A policeman stopped me and asked my name. "Dave Smith." I replied.
"Any ID?" he asked.
"No, D-A-V-E." Thick ****.

 

[W4FC B3N]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a ****."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."[/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]________________________________[/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Why?"[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] asks the father.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] "But that's right!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'" [/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"What's the ******* difference?" asks the father. [/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
"That's what I said!"[/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]________________________________[/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathised because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"And what about the third rose?"[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] she asked.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

___________________________

[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] George Bush and **** Cheney were at a fancy Washington restaurant... [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies: "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."
"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr President?"
Bush answers: "How about a quickie?" Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says: "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you."
With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says: "Mr President, I believe that's pronounced quiche."[/FONT]

___________________________________

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Ha!"[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Sure," [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Sure,"[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] says the president. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well, OK"[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] says the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!" [/FONT]


​

 

[pistolped7]

Two scientists walk into a bar.

1st Scientist: I'll have a glass of H2O please.

2nd Scientist: I'll have a glass of H2O too.

The second guy died.

 

[mark 19 times]

Two scientists walk into a bar.

1st Scientist: I'll have a glass of H2O please.

2nd Scientist: I'll have a glass of H2O too.

The second guy died.

i felt bad when i laughed then :S

---------- Post added at 10:31 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:30 PM ----------

"Hey, know any good jokes about sodium?" "Na."

 

[Shay Given]

Whats the difference between Craig Thomson and a greyhound?

A greyhound waits for the hare to appear.

 

[bijak]

Two scientists walk into a bar.

1st Scientist: I'll have a glass of H2O please.

2nd Scientist: I'll have a glass of H2O too.

The second guy died.

I don't get it

 

[Shay Given]

I don't get it

H20 is water.
H20two(2) is Hydrogen peroxide.

 

[mark 19 times]

I always fancied the blonde one out of Abba,

can never remember his name though!

 

[bijak]

H20 is water.
H20two(2) is Hydrogen peroxide.

ah, such a shame for a chemistry student (me) failed to notice that.....