The Joke Thread

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I quit my job at the helium balloon factory today. Nobody speaks to me in that tone!
 
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Aaron Lennon takes it on his chest and brings it down, passes it to Bassong who runs with it before laying it off to Huddlestone, Defoe spots a window and makes a run, Huddlestone see's him and makes the pass and Defoe puts it away nicely.

"right lads," says Palacios, "lets get one more Plasma before the ******* pigs get here."
 
few from the aftermath of the community shield..
mancini has just been looking for a new house, nothing to flash just a little 2 up 3 down.

Transfer News: City have offered David Blunkett £90,000 per week to work as a coach. He'll be training their first-team on how to hold onto a lead...
 
Following the riots and looting in Tottenham a large number of Scousers are now refusing to travel down for Saturdays Spurs v Everton premiership game, due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen.
 
lynchyyyy said:
Didn't know Rangers were playing in London at the weekend ?
Click to expand...

Absolute Brilliance, Facebook'd


3D home entertainment isnt all its cracked up to be.
Once you get it set up, you realise that you forgot to rob a set of glasses.
 
you'd think the police would have been better prepared for the scenes in london, the kaiser chiefs did give them 7 years warning.
 
Apparently Spurs have signed a new striker, a local lad with Italian roots. Harry is claiming it is a steal, pinched from under the eyes of Juventus scouts.

His name is Grabatelli
 
Ngongo Mwambi has to travel 5miles every day for fresh water and 7miles for food......Thats because the **** torched the Peckham Spa and the Tottenham KFC and now has to walk to Croydon for breakfast!




Josef Fritzl has spoken out in anger at the recent riots, blaiming is on irresponsible parenting. He said "you never see my kids out on the street like that".



 
THE RIOTERS PRAYER Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the teles, the Burberry & the Bacardi, forever and ever...Innit !!!!
 
Fernando Torres has joined the recent riots throwing a total of 14 petrol bombs. Police have confirmed that none of them hit the target.
 
This one might be a bit offensive so if you're easily offended don't read it

A 12 year old boy is stuck in the bathroom with diaorrhea. After being in there for an hour his mom knocks and asks if everything is ok. He replies "No I need some ******". His mom is shocked by his comment. She asks him "Why on Earth would you need that"? The boy shouts back "Ain't that what you give dad when his **** won't get hard"?
 
My wife just walked in on me with my **** poking through the middle of one of the kids dvd's.
Shocked she asked, "What the **** are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm sorry love, I've ****** Up."
 
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